Hi, it’s me again. This is Skyler.

I crashed big time today. I mean big time. I stayed in bed till 12 PM, left home at 1:30 pm because I need to perfect my recipe for a new flavor. I wanted to make really deep chocolate, nice coconut and some cashew. I dragged myself to work and suddenly found the energy at the work place. I think, I work, I order, I did everything I could.

But my head was pounding, the migraine on the right side of my head is back to kill me. It’s so hurt and exhausting. Like a nagging mom who’s always said I’m here no matter how hard you are trying to get rid of me.

I figured that I needed to go to a massage place to remove this pain, so I did. I took 1 hour to leave work and do this. As soon as I left and arrive at the clinic, I crashed onto the bed. It was almost like I couldn’t speak, nor respond. I just crashed.

I realize that work / the studio is the place I’m hiding. It’s the place that I can bury my head so deep into something. It’s the place I excel. Just like my Dad.

An emotionally-closed off workaholic

That’s who I am, and that’s exactly what my father used to me. We bury our head so deep into work, we excel at work when we know our house is on fire. My Dad know that someone has to pick up the pieces every month he left the house. And that someone is me, and he knew it well too.

So I did what he did, I ran. I’m so good at running it’s crazy. Even when I’m so exhausted, so tired, and dying with migraine inside, all of the symptoms seem to disappear when I arrived at work. It’s like I’ve worked up the adrenaline on the way to work in order to cope.

My head is pounding really hard right now and it’s hurting me so bad.

I feel like I don’t want to live, and I feel like I don’t belong in this whole wide world.

Today, on the way back home, I just don’t want to live .. anymore.