You like you have someone/ something that is always unpredictable that you can’t master in a short time.

But the hardest thing is recognizing what is changing inside as life moves around you

A wise man once told me before, when I complained to him that life is so boring. Only some are interesting, and those are very rare. I get bored with the majority of human in general.

I forgot to change my tampon for the 5th times, it’s not a joke. Ever since opening this ice cream thing, I always have problem with tampon. 2 out of 5 periods I found that I have 2 tampons inside me. 1 time I didn’t have time to insert a new tampon when my period came. Yesterday is the first day of the period, I was supposed to be in pain. But I completely ignore, and only by the time I get home at 10:30 PM that I realize, oh I haven’t changed my tampon for 14 hours. Even worse, that means I haven’t gone to the toilet for the last 14 hours. I mean that’s extremely serious, my mind is so focus with work that I completely ignore the need of my body. I could easily have toxic shock syndrome and many many other issues. So today I have to put an alarm every 6 hours just to remind myself, that I have to drink water, go to toilet and change my tampon.

What’s happening these days?

2 Days ago

I found out 2 days ago that my mother has created such an amazing image of me to her outside world. She was able to paint this picture for a long time that I was the one keeping all the assets, that I’m the one in control. Now that I left the house, she’s very worried and sad that she might lose the entire asset because I can claim it anytime.

No wonder there are stories around me like, I’m using some kind of voodoo that talk her into giving me the entire name of the asset. And like I’m gambling and many many more things.

Turn out, you know the unpredictable thing that is always around me is my mother. I mean I have never stopped being surprised by her.

On one hand, I’m blessed to have her as an example, she’s exactly someone I don’t like and that makes me a better person because I can learn by not being her.

She’s a nô lệ đồng tiền. I’m on the other extreme. I don’t want to keep any money.

Yesterday.

She texted me and asked me to pay back 900 million. Simple and plain. The thing is as I said in the previous post, I’m in debt so I cannot find the money to pay her back. But how I wish I can have the money to pay her back. I mean the debt that I’m owing to Camel is the debt of love, that I feel extremely responsible and wanted to pay back because I don’t want to leverage his niceness to me.

The debt I owed to my mother is the different kind of debt. The kind that I want to throw this chunk of money back to her so that she can be out of my life for good. I don’t want to be associated with this person.

Something has changed in me though, this time around of receiving her text message, I’m no longer afraid. I mean I’m not acting like a child. I’m not “giãy đành đạch” đòi sống đòi chết trả lời. I did what Camel told me once, I received the message, then go to work, have a cup of tea and told Thảo to reply for me. I still can’t use nicer language to her, but I can take my time and does not need to show my anger and my point. I was able to use part of my other brain, the logical better part of me.

This morning

I did a 60 minute of yoga this morning, stretching every single piece of my body. I took a long hot shower after this session and I long for my father. Even though I was no longer irritated by her, I still want to pay her back so that I’m not stuck with her. I tried so hard yesterday to find a way to pay her back, I thought of my uncle, my aunt, the bank ..etc but the reality is nothing will work because my reason doesn’t make any sense. That’s when I long for my father.

I wish that he’s still alive so that he can help me. Then I realize that’s a ridiculous request, and it’s despair because the wish will never come true. So I change my wish, I wish that my father could hear me, and he could help me find a way to make money as fast as possible. This way I can pay her back. I settled with this thought, sending my wishes up to my father and my ancestor.

Tonight

I’m sitting in my office waiting to receive 120 boxes of ice cream cups. It’s 30,000 cups of ice cream which meant I have used up the last 5 months. It’s a lot, I have fed a minimum of 10,000 people. I have never imagine this number in my mind. This number excites me, rather that the amount of money I earn, the idea of being able to let 10,000 people eating the nicer food makes me happy.

Running a production company is hard, really hard, we are touching the last resource of money to feed the store. It’s still paying ahead and we are still investing. I’m terribly worried about the cash flow right now. Worst case scenario, I think I can borrow my friend for about 200 million, but I need to pay back asap.

Now

I finally remember to change tampon, wash my face and then get ready to carry up the stairs the number of boxes. I complained to my yoga teacher about my pain shoulder and she said that I should stop carrying heavy stuff, but how can I?

Camel told me last night that my life needs to be playful. It’s a source of energy that I need in order to carry on with life. It’s true, I completely forgot about it. Where is the fun? I am completely consumed at work, like once I enter the studio, the world stop spinning. Well, my world has stopped spinning for awhile.