There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody’s expense but his own
― Herman Melville, Moby-Dick
I am owing this to myself to write this note since Sunday. I have been brewing the general idea of what I want to say when it comes to birthday, yet it took me 3 days until I can actually sit down and write this. I’m so sorry, this is my fault for putting myself after others.
As Herman said, this strange mix affair that we call life is just so … strange.
2 years ago, I was asking Camel to go with me diving, and he couldn’t, so I went ahead. I remember quite vividly, my conversation with him at that time, in his small bedroom, lying on the bed I was telling him: “ Muốn hẹn với anh, hẹn trước cũng ko được, hẹn liền cũng ko được, làm sao cũng ko được hết, nên thôi em rủ bạn đi chơi cho đúng ngày của em nha”. Looking backward, that was just so selfish, and totally childish for me to say so. I understand that at that point he has a very important meeting to attend, we could arrange it some other time in around that period. But I insist it has to be at that point of time. I was not wise enough to understand that time is an illusions, the interactions, the memories we created is the only thing that’s important. I went on diving, unhappy because I couldn’t share that precious time with him. He’s probably hurt, because of the words I said, and also because I left him behind just to prove my ego.
Last year, I was in Chiang Mai, asking him to go and visit me for a week. I was planning to change apartment, to welcome him because the place I’m living in is not so nice. I was so excited to see him, and to spend this time together. I imagined where we would go, to show him another life that is fun and enjoyable. Then we fell apart, simply because we couldn’t communicate with each other. I, because of my fear living with my mother, I can’t go back. I fear for my emotional safety. He, because of his fear for my physical safety, ask me to go back. I think, we are both motivated by fear, but my fear of having stuck in my mother’s house trumps any other logical thinking. If we have to do it all over again, and I have an apartment like I have right now, I would go back in a heartbeat. I wish, I could have been braver, coming back to Vietnam, and have my own place. If I have to do it all over again, I want to tell him: You are right, you are absolutely right, and I want nothing more than spending time with you be it in Chiang Mai or in Sai Gon. I will be brave and find a shelter for myself so that we can be together. The thing is, now I have come to understand, I have asked him to accept and understand my fear, whereas, I should have solved it. I should have gather the courage to faced it, once and for all, so that I can be a whole person, so that I can love with a full heart.
This year, I’m not going anywhere, doing anything. To be honest, I even want the day to skip. Like I want it to skip from March 14th to March 16th, without acknowledging March 15th, isn’t it so weird. I have been feeling pressured when the day come. I have the pressure to think of where should I go, what should I buy for myself. See the thing is, as I grow up, everyday is my birthday, I mean if I want something, I will get it. Doesn’t really matter the time or place. So on one hand, I’m not bound by the illusion of time, but on the other hand I’m extremely tight to it. I mentioned in the previous post that Camel knew me better than I knew myself, it’s still true. You know, I have been searching my mind for buying me something, and I couldn’t find anything to buy at all. So I gave up on it, yet, Camel still found something that I really like, that I completely abandon the idea, I want to have an arm chair with stool next to it so I could really sit, with my leg up in order to read or write my blog comfortably. I had one in my mother’s house. Well, it’s not mine, it belongs to Dad, and I kept it in my bedroom when he passed away as a token. But I never actually got one for myself, isn’t it strange? I didn’t expect Camel to remember my birthday, or didn’t expect him to give me anything. I mean he has been so kind to me enough, more than I can take already. So it took me by surprise, because I just dreamed about me probably 2 hours ago.
From time to times, Camel visited me in my dream, I’m not sure if his unconscious randomly visit my unconscious or it’s the portrait image of him in my unconscious. I remember the scene in the dream quite vividly. Camel was wearing black suit with black tie, quite serious, the scene was like something in court, with the judge sitting there and I was just visiting, like attending and watching him present. I wasn’t allowed to talk, nor speak, I just can only sit and watch. The meeting seems serious, he was so focused he didn’t see me, and he’s preparing for some kind of closing statement. That’s all I can remember, the dream was vague, but the image was very vivid.
Well, it seems like I have again strayed away from the main topic of today’s writing. I was supposed to write about something else. I will write about it tonight.
