Hello! Hello! Hello!

This time is from my actual bed in Saigon. I just finished my last meeting of the day. I re-read the post yesterday and I realize there are 3 people within me: My rational self, my emotional self that is usually the main character on this site, and yesterday a new one appear: My body. It turns out my body has its own voice, and it was crying out loud yesterday.

I feel like my body’s battery is about 5%, red alert like my phone, always almost out of battery. I passed out last night, and only was able to be out of bed at midnight right about the time that I was supposed to be at work to check the yoghurt for the next time delivering.

Being in Ha Noi, makes me think about Camel multiple times a day. It’s like he’s always on my mind. I ate a bowl of Pho, and I immediately thought of him. I rarely ate Pho nowadays, because every time I ate a bowl of Pho, I will think of him. He was able to conditioned me to think of him that way. I mentioned it in a post 2 years back – 10 things I love about you, Camel has the consistency and disciplined that I truly admire and love. I can still hear him said: ” Có thể ăn phở 365 ngày, 1 ngày 3 lần”. I particularly like this poem, it’s so sweet, and so full of love. I brings me straight back to these moments together with the sensation over my body. I was so much in love back then, I’m not so sure about now. These days, I felt really far from Camel, yet there’s a tiny string that’s kept connecting me to him. This particular string is made of steel. So even though it’s tiny, it’s strong.

24/4/2021

Hello again, from my favorite blue chair. I was so tired and so dead inside that I couldn’t finish the blog post yesterday. I’m feeling better today, but in general I still feel tired. I workout everyday, I also work hard everyday. Yet, in Ha Noi, I feel like I’m extremely dead. I think it’s because I cannot vibrate with the energy in Ha Noi. Or maybe just the house I’m working inside has extremely low energy.

Sometimes I kept wondering, why would I want to do so much. I’m tired, you know. On a good day, I feel like I can live till 100 years old. On a bad day, I feel like I don’t want to exist. I began to understand what Camel’s philosophy is. I think what he meant in term of emotion is the best way to preserve energy is to be in the middle. Mine was always one side or another. Recently, I stumbled upon my blog post exactly a year ago. I wrote:

What I’m struggling with is living. Living is tiring, exhausting, and very painful. So why do we have to all live? Why do I have to live? Why do I have to find a purpose? Why do I have to work? Why do I have to eat? Why do I have to breath? Why do I have to learn how to breath? ”

Mai – 2020

I can see the tremendous growth of mindset within me. I no longer have such question, I feel that I truly am at peace with what I do and who I am. I feel at this point in life,

I can die at any moment and not regretting a thing. I feel that if tomorrow I cannot open my eyes and vanish into thin air like in the Thanos movie, I’d be happily obliged. But if I am living, I will do my best to work, to learn and to enjoy the life that I was given the privilege to be in.

I just lit up the candles, playing with my singing bowl and I felt much better. Oh I forgot the mention, I took out a special box of meat that is called: ” Thịt Xíu” today to eat and finish it with the team.

It’s just regular meat but the meaning of it is so profound to me. Me and Camel were supposed to go to Da Lat last year on September. We were at the edge of our relationship, and I want to have 3 days in Da Lat, to see how we feel about each other because I know the love is still there. I made a special box of food to bring because the place we were going to stay at “Andante” is very exclusive. It doesn’t have a kitchen so I’m going to have to prepare our own food. I made it specially for him.

…..
I’m pausing at this point. My heart sank and skipped a beat. I felt heavy in my chest. I thought I was over Camel, turns out, my heart is still right there at the beginning.
….

We couldn’t go, and I saved that special box of meat in my freezer. I brought it with me when I left Mom’s house. I placed it so deep in the freezer for half a year, and today I took it out to finish. I’m still holding on to a lot of things. The magnet of us in Chiangmai is following me to this home, I knew he took it off from his fridge, I saw it one time.

….
you know, usually when typing, I can type really fast. It’s almost like I have already composing it all in my head. But these words are so hard to write, I keep on pause and sigh 😔 heavily. It seems to me that my heartache is still very vivid in me.
….

I never came back to Da Lat, or came to that Andante Place. I only went there last time because of work, but my heart was aching when reached the camp. The booking that we made is still on hold. I understand that the love we had, the interaction we did, the moments we shared are the past. Right now, I’m living alone and quite content in my place. But the ball of emotions, it’s still there, and my heart still kept it dearly.

I took the box of meat out, I warm it up, and I shared it with the team. This is the love that I used to have, I no longer have it. But this box of meat was made with full of love and light. I guessed the best use of it is to share.

…….
My emotions are very real, and the physical manifestation is real. My heart is heavy, my stomach just turns a knot. It seems like, I still am very much connected to this “once shared love”. The poem I wrote before speaks to that kind of perfect love that I spent my life looking for. I also knew that, that kind of love kind of died way before we were no longer with each other. I also know that deep very deep, extremely deep down in the corner of my heart, I still have this hope to bring back this love. I’m not so sure that it’s a false hope or not, but I know it’s there.
….

See I told you I feel better today, I can write the whole blog before bed. My body battery is about 20% now.

Thank you, ☺️ for listening to me.