It’s 1 AM, and my mind went blank. I got home from work at 11:00 PM today. We finally sent off the second batch of ice cream to Ha Noi. I’m doubling the workload now and it seems, I need to work extra hard for awhile till I can set up a system.

Reliving the memory from yesterday makes me pondering a lot. Though my mind is busy with what to do next, carrying stuff down, packing, etc. I mean, you name it. It’s truly a lot of work. But I still keep about 10% of my brain to internalize the story I told. You know who doesn’t appear in my story? My mother and my sister!

After Camel told me that I need to get abortion because I can’t handle it. I lost all the respect for Camel at that point. I went to Landon, somebody whom I respect a whole lot. He’s my family. There’s not a single thought that I would call my sister or my mother. This prove that these 2 people to me is somebody name ” sister ” and “mother”, not the true kind of relationship.

I considered Landon my family, before Camel rejected his role, I considered Camel my family.

The struggle relationship that I have with my mother is in fact not a relationship. I never had a relationship with my mother, nor I want to build one. I don’t like this person, I don’t like to be like her. This person has nothing for me to learn from.

So in fact, there should be no struggle, because there’s nothing.

Remember I told you Camel asked me that: “Why I can’t consider mom and sis as family? Am I forgetting them?”

So I try to mimics his actions with the intention that I will fake it until I make it. I called my mother everyday, I tried to stay close. What I realize is, the act is just simply mimicking without any adaptation. The action, the call is not coming from the heart. Camel and his mother calls are from the heart – when someone truly care about some other one.

My relationship with Camel has struggles, because we do have a relationship. He possessed some of the traits that no matter how hard I try, I can never achieve. At best I think I can maybe achieve 50% of what seems so natural to him.

My mind went blank again. I’m tired, my fever has completely gone.
I need to work extra hard starting tomorrow. We are running promotion across cities, and I will be burying my face in making products.

Have I told you that I nearly perfected the procedure to make yoghurt. I’m almost there, just need to tweak a little bit here and there.

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9/5/2021

I didn’t finish this blog because I was so tired that night going to sleep promising myself that I will finish tomorrow.

Little that I know that I can only open this blog post 4 days later. I guess this is to close this topic and open a new one