On the last 3 days before Saigon total shutdown, we were going like crazy selling everything that we got on hands. I was on the car with Thao to deliver as much ice cream as we can, we were running full on. On Saturday, I was in District 7 up until 7:30, then took a taxi home. That means I went pass curfew, I took a bit of risk, and it was okay. Thank God I got home safely.

I have been dying in my bed for the past 2 days. I mean literally bed bound, you know I couldn’t take my body of the bed. I was just lying there and sleep but sleep tiredly, really tired. I began to gain a bit of strength as of now after 2 hour talking with anh Duc about the future of Bliss. I feel a source of energy that ignites in me in order to start writing again. This time, with this new curfew, I believe that I can start writing again everyday.

I dreamed about Camel this morning, 2 dreams one after another in the morning. Like my mind was very clouded, but among the weird dreams, the dream about Camel were very vivid. With my ability to understand the interpretation of dream I can briefly tell you what does the 2 dream means:

1st dream: I saw Camel traveling to a place looks like Ninh Binh since he said that Ninh Binh is his Nana’s hometown. He was traveling with his brother, the one that I sometimes heard story about and they were talking, suddenly my eyes became his eyes and I saw a Palace that is currently under renovation. The next scene is I saw him as a Prince, a second Prince to be exact. A good second Prince who wore white, and hasn’t been married, so he was match making with a woman with a child. He seems reluctant, and doesn’t want to go on with this match making. At this point I was the maid of the house, I saw the whole match making thing happens ( I can still see it now) and I thought I’m gonna be so sad if he got married with this woman. It was as if my heart was broken.

Interpretation: I’m quite lonely nowadays, especially in the last 2 days when I was sick and alone in bed. I had to wake up to make food for the doggies, I had to clean up after the doggies while my head was pounding. I wish if someone can make a soup for me, and can take care of my dogs. I wish if someone can touch my head to check if I have a fever or not, I wish for love and care. Unfortunately I have none now, among all those loves that I have had in the past, my mind kept wandering back to the image of Camel which prove more and more that Em thương anh thật sự.

Another reason for this dream to happen is I also started talking with Phú – My matcha supplier in the North (Thai Nguyen) 5 days ago. He sent me a message saying that he read that I’m doing charity every week, and he wants to be part of that ( out of nowhere, I never asked) . So he struck me as a person with genuinely good heart. So we started talking everyday, getting to know each other. You know what was on my mind the whole time, I kept comparing him to Camel. Though he has good heart ( like Camel) , but not as developed in the mind as Camel. He portraits himself as a typical northern guy who thinks that a girl needs to get married in order to “fulfill life”. My little fling ended after 3 days, because I cannot stop thinking about Camel while talking to Phu. This means that I’m so far from ready to take on a new relationship. My heart was still somewhere else and not with me.

2nd dream: The 2nd dream is also about Camel. Strange eh? 2 consecutive dream within the same morning about same person. The settings is in my exact bed this morning while sleeping with the 2 dogs. I was laying down diagonally across the bed, I do this sometimes, because it was just me in the bed so I can choose where and how to lie down. Camel appeared in the bedroom as if he was always sleeping next to me, it was as if this is a usual thing. I was still asleep diagonally, then I woke up and found Camel lying down next to me follow my lying down. I turned and asked him: ” Ủa, sao anh không kêu em thức dậy? Để em nằm thẳng lại cho anh ngồi” and he replied as sweet as he used to be: ” Em đang mệt, cứ nằm đi anh nằm vậy cũng được rồi” .

My interpretation of this dream: This following dream is the answer to the first dream. Why do I kept coming back and dreaming about this man? It was because he always “nhường” me. Khi mà em nằm ngược ngạo như vậy nhưng anh luôn nhường theo ý của em. I realize that I never acknowledge this path, I am grateful for him but I never acknowledge how much he has done in order to ” nhường em”. And that was very important to me that I kept portraying himself in my dream.

I decided that I’m gonna let my heart do whatever it needs to do to feel. I think : I am truly wholehearted love Camel. Even after a year, he’s still exactly the same in my mind, in my unconscious mind. And I think he also loves me.

Loving someone and being together with someone is a separate thing.

For now, I think I still be just love him, and see what the universe is showing me.