Remembered my post ” Not a good wife” the one in which I’m complaining about me taking so much time cleaning after eating. I’d probably find out the reason why I have so much trouble cleaning. In my class today, I raised up my “funny” story to the class. Of how I decided to only eat once a day to minimize cleaning, and how it took me 2 full hour just to clean couple dishes, it does not make any sense in my logical mind. You know it’s very funny when I tell the story, but the struggle is real. Without Covid, my problem can be solved easily, I’d be hiring maid which has been the permanent solution for my apartment. The trouble I’m describing is so childish, it’s like a 5 year old complaining and avoiding cleaning the dishes because mama makes her doing so.

So we figured out what’s the problem, it seems like I actually prolonged my pain. The process of cleaning, and stopping and then cleaning again is my unconscious mind enjoys the pain that I’m suffering. Perhaps it stems from cô Việt, where she took the majority of her life yelling at me about the fact that I’m untidy. Though cô Việt is a big time hoarder and she’s messy as hell, her room is always full of stuff that suffocate me. So what reflects in my body is I’m looking for the familiar suffering. Without cô Việt presents in my life, I’m actually still act like she is. What might be happening in my unconscious mind is that I’m still rebelling against her. That it’s not fair, and I demand fairness. You are so messy and I’m doing the exact same thing like you are, and it’s fair.

This process of prolonging the pain of cleaning is actually affect my everyday life and everyday mood. Like for example, it took Camel about 20 minute max to pack the luggage and he will do it the day before. It will take me 2 hour and I will always leave this packing of luggage till the very last hour. This is procrastination or in other words prolonged suffering, and it’s painful, dragging and tiring.

For all that reason, I decided that I will start my 21 day challenge. I will need to resolve the feeling of unfairness, and accept that Cô Viet is a separate entity and she’s no longer present in my life. I will also change myself, where I determined to take much less time to clean, so that it won’t affect my everyday life. I will finish the cleaning task everyday, not dragging it on until tomorrow. To complete this challenge, there are 2 things that need to be done:

• Write a letter to Cô Việt saying that I accept her, and I’m no longer holding a grudge with her.
• Complete the questionnaire include the 9 questions where I need to think and answer really fully

I will need to sleep on this thought tonight before writing anything down tomorrow.