Earlier, I was cooking food for my dogs and can’t help thinking that I wish if there’s someone to live in this house with me that I can cook for. I’m not one to take for household work all day everyday, but I’d like it really much to make a pot of Phở and someone to share that with me. That feeling and that thought I think is the sole definition of loneliness. I’m not sad, but I know I can be much happier with someone else to share my life with.

As Alain De botton has said last year, we are living in the era of Romanticism. Sadly to say, I’m plagued by romanticism. I told you many many times through this blog post, I’m a hopeless romantic. I have been plagued by this disease ever since the first time I read “Gone with the Wind”. The love that shared between Scarlett and Red was so profound and so deeply ingrained in my soul.

I have spent the last 3 days having myself dive into a series called “Downton Abbey” and I found my heart kept yearning for the love. Not only the romantic love, but family love, father love, mother love, sister love. Even though it’s a movie, and even though it’s all imaginary, but I felt my heart was warmed by the love that they shared with each other.

A father saw her first born finally get married, and she asked: ” Papa, are you happy? ” . “I’m so so very happy, my dear. I’m so happy that my chest could explode. I’m so happy for you, my baby”.

That’s the thing that I will never be able to receive again, I know my father will be the same. But it’s not the same if it’s just all in my imagination.

Then the mother love, and the sister love, the strong bond that they felt for each other when someone said: ” I’m on your side, we all are on your side no matter what”

Oh and the romantic love between Matthew and Mary, ” I don’t think I can be happy with someone else as long as you walked the earth” . I know it sounds really cheesy, and too good to be true. But the idea of it warms my heart. I think after a year has passed, I found the softness and tenderness in my heart again.

I have this image of my heart being chained and locked awhile ago, and I feel that the locked has been cut off. I found that my heart is healed, and it can soldier on with the unexpected thing. I think that I’m ready to feel the butterfly in my tummy.

You see, I’m a hopeless romantic. I like that about myself, I’d like to think that love brings goodness in this world.

I’m not that young girl who reads 4 times the novel Gone with the Wind and wants to be like Scarlett. I’ve learned, worked, and learned, and improved. I have come to the conclusion.

I don’t need a perfect person. I need a person who can handle on his imperfections. I need a person who can warn me for the more noxious sides of their personalities when that deeply upset me.

I’d say: ” Hello, I’m crazy. How are you crazy? ” . I can go on and on about my insanities. I have spent a great deal of time learning about mine, I think I can write a thick book about it.

I’m very sensitive. I’m an extreme introvert, but a confident one. That means, I’m not afraid to talk about my thoughts, but it’s all my internal thoughts. I got a bruised childhood. You see, in a standard of a normal way, my childhood is not so extreme. But for me, it was. It was full of sadness and abandonment.

I need a lot of time on my own to process my thoughts. I spent less and less time responding to people, picking up phones. It’s just simply because I don’t want ppl to disturb my tranquility.

I’m very demanding, if I can do it, you can do it too. I know it’s not right, but I kept using myself to compare.

I know that a total honesty is not expected. Because the full disclosure of who we are and what we are at every moment with another human being will probably destroy them.

I often wondered, am I true to myself in this blog. Or I also make the role of editing, whenever I tell a story here. I think the latter is true. Of every thought going through my unconscious and the my pre frontal cortex, I think there’s always an editing.

I wrote in the blog yesterday that I want to build new happy memories. And I feel so excited about it, instead of a dragged idea that I have to go through a bitter death anniversary, I am actually looking forward to it. I know I mentioned that I will have a small dinner with Landon, and Ba Muoi, but isn’t it so much better that I have someone in my life to share this with. To go and join me. The day co Viet chose is November 14th, I have to be there. But I want to be in Hoi An in November 19th, which is the full moon of the month when my father passed away. I really want to be in his land, and celebrate his life as it should be.

I’m going to move to a 3 bedroom apartment. I’m already very alone in this apartment, and I’m moving to a bigger one? I was wondering if it’s a good decision. Maybe, it’s a good one. My old bedroom is about the same size and right now my place is smaller that just my bedroom. I also want to change, I think after a year living here, I’ve grown out of this place. My mind needs a better view so that it can go far.