When typing down these number 6.11.21 I just suddenly realized that another year is almost passed. My therapist has asked me: ” Have you ever had the feeling that time is long, really long, larger than you can ever imagine? ”

I told her that I believe so much so. I believe in dark matter, I believe in the power of spirits, I believe in circle of life. But at the same time, I don’t really care. I realize that I stopped thinking about “the future”. All I care is now, what’s happening now, what do I want to happen now? I wonder if that’s what the author of the book “the power of now” thought of when he first started writing the book.

My mind has been crowded with so many thoughts, 💭 , things, and stuffs to do in the past 3 weeks. So much that I gave an excuse to myself to not actually sit down and write whatever it is in my head.

Camel reminds me yesterday, he said: “viết là để vui, để giải toả cho mình trước nhất”. I seems to forget it, and sort of just letting all the idea swirl and entangle to each other. I have an image of a very messy office with papers all over, me looking at them helpless don’t know where to start. Writing helps me organize my thought, it helps me keeping “the office” in my head neat and tidy. So here I am, documenting, organizing what has been going on in my head.

1.

My father’s đám giỗ is coming soon, on November 14th or the full moon day of the 10th month. It had been in my head for awhile, what to do about it, what needs to be done. I planned, then I changed my plan.

At first, I said I will go back and be present on the date, ignore or not, I will be present. Then I will go to Hoi An to celebrate on my own.

Then I thought, why do I have to be there, I’m the master of my life. I chose who to meet, I chose what to do. Why do I have to go where I don’t like to be? What if I’m not doing anything altogether?

You see what I’m doing here. I was making a fuss over something just mere symbolic. I do not have the intention to mend the broken relationship. I strongly believe that my life is so much better, freer, more happy without it. Well, it’s not a belief anymore, it’s a fact. I’m living a healthy, happy life. The act of me attending, does not change the nature of the current affairs between me and “mother+sister”.

I have decided that from this moment onward, I’m the master of my life and my choices. I will not attend the đám giỗ, simply because I don’t want to. I think it’s a waste of time for a pretentious act. I’m not in favor of hypocrisy. In fact, I told my mother what I don’t like most about her is her hypocrisy.

So there’s a challenge to myself: ” I will bring a basket of fruit 1 day earlier – Nov 13th. Bring it by myself, then give it to say I remember, and then leave.”

I will update you once I’ve finished my challenge

2.

I changed house, it’s been 10 days since I live here. If I was to grade my living environment at this moment in time, I will give it a 9.5. My home is spacious, it’s empty without stuffs.

A wise man once told me: So often, in life we ask the question “What do you have?” We measure our richness by things that we own. What if we started asking the other question: ” What don’t you have?” What if we measure our richness by the things that we don’t own.

I do not have a car
I do not have a house
I do not have worry
I do not have sleepless night
I do not have a lot of stuffs
I no longer have hatred and fear of my mother.

I feel so happy, so rich. My home is empty, my living room is empty. I only own a blue chair, that’s the only piece of furniture I have, and I feel that will always be the piece of furniture that I have. My living room only has one blue chairs, one bean bag, and I’m in love with it everyday. It’s free, elegant and clean.

I give my life a 9.5 because there’s something else missing. I want to have a partner, somebody to share this life with me. Last night, when I was sitting in the living room and a stream of thought come to my mind. Will it be lovely that on a winter night like tonight, someone could play the guitar to me? Or I could join in with the flute. I will bring out some fruit, a glass of wine, or some beers. It will be so perfect that I will give it an 11/10. Well to be honest, the image that I had in my mind was Camel playing the guitar, I long for that image. But perhaps, it could be anybody. Somebody that I will fall deeply in love, somebody that will love me as much as I love him. Somebody that will tell me: You are mine, and I’m yours.

——– to be continued tonight