The messy post last night portrayed exactly how messy my mind was yesterday. It’s hard to grasp what’s on my mind recently, I travelled from the past, to the present and trying to see what I want to do now. I wrote a poem exactly 10 years ago and it read :

Thích ( A Poem by Mai in 2011 )

Sao bây giờ mình chỉ thích … 
Được đi tới nơi nào, 
Không quen biết ai hết, 
Không bạn bè, người thân, 
Không biết chỗ mình đang ở là ở đâu hết, 

Để, 

Làm lại từ đầu, 
Bắt đầu cuộc đời từ trang giấy trắng, 
Xóa bàn cờ, bắt đầu những bước đầu tiên, 

Cho 

Đỡ nhọc nhằn, đỡ suy nghĩ, 
Đỡ vất vả trong tâm hồn, 
Đỡ mệt mỏi,  

Apparently, I love writing, I haven’t stopped writing in the past 10 years. It was on and off, but the one I sustain the most is in this blog post. I love it. Writing frees my mind of the usual daily thoughts and allow me to live in a fantasy world in which I don’t have to filtering out the unspoken words. I don’t know what happened on that day 10 years ago that led me to write that poem. After this poem is written, I have lived many lives exactly like the Poem said, I went to strange lands where I knew no one and actually start all over, even change my very own name.

When I was trying to clear my head yesterday pouring down the words onto this page, I felt liberated. I felt like I’m a changed woman. I have went through the hardest test that could have done to me in life, and I graduated. I might not be the best student, because it took me so long – exactly 5 year in order to heal the heartache.

I feel whole and complete today.

I don’t know how to explain it to you. I can say that I feel invincible again. I was invincible once when my father was alive, then he left and I was living in another world hanging onto him. I was helpless, weak and hurt.

None of that was true today. Today I am invincible, and whole. A much better version of myself than yesterday. I feel that I can love again, I can go out there looking for the kind of love that I deserve. The kind of love that is flowery, smell like candy on a rainy day. The kind of love that will warm my hearts every night I’m coming home. The kind of love that will enlighten my days.

I am ready to love again 🙂 . I have a very vivid visualization of the love that I want. The love that is not materialistic, the love that doesn’t include houses, cars, bags, clothes and shoes. But the love that will spread both of our wings soar through the sky, that is not bound by the everyday mundane thing. I don’t need much, and he doesn’t need much in life. We might or might not have children it doesn’t really matter, but if we decided to have our own or to adopt. I will make sure to handover the wisdom that I’ve learned over the years, I will love and respect the individuality, the freedom.

True, I need money to live a comfortable life that I am living now, but it’s still not a lot and I don’t need anything more than this 🙂 . I am at the peak of my life and it’s time to create a new peak, so that I can love.