My mind is not with me in the past couple days. Yesterday I went home at 7 PM and straight to bed, I’m really really tired. I woke up several times throughout the night and I can’t seem to find a good sleep.

This morning when I woke up I lay in bed for a very long time. I’d say I sleep at least 15 hours until I find the energy to wake up again.

It took me all the effort to exercise and lay down again. I felt cold and chills were sending down to my spine. My mind was absolutely not with me, it’s been days and I can’t seem to concentrate. I’m not so sure if it was just a phase or something was wrong with me, with my mind.

My journey to the dream land has been fragmented, and also has been interesting. I dreamed of my mother, I went outside to play then I sneaked out the back door into my room into her/my home. Then she found me in her room, in that dream I confronted her. I said that she’s so wrong in controlling and telling lies, she needed to change herself. I can’t stand to live with her …

And that’s all I can remember from the dream that I had. On one hand, it’s the sign that my unconscious is not completely healed from my mother. On the other hand, it’s moving, it’s fighting within the dream means it’s starting to get back the life that it deserve.

I guess my inner wisdom tend to move a bit slower than my conscious self, but it will get there.

I went home again today at 18:30 and went straight into my bed again which I haven’t done in awhile. I changed to my pajama and then curl up in the bed for couple of hours until now.

Someone has said that sleeping reflects the level of healing in yourself. I haven’t been able to sleep well in a week, I guess something is wrong within me.

I’ve thought about writing a letter to my mother, which I’ve intended to write for so long but I can’t seem to find the mind to write today.

It feels like I’m here but I’m not here. I exist, but I do not exist. I seem to be in the middle zone where living or not living doesn’t really matter. My mind is floating in multiple direction and I can’t seem to put my focus on anything.

Camel told me he’s moving back to Ha Noi. He’s asking me how to move, but I know it’s a way of informing me that he’s moving. I told him I’d be really sad when he moved, I’m not so sure why I said so, but it’s something that my heart really want to say and I was brave enough to say it. A sudden chills send down my spine when he told me he’s relocating. I observe my body reaction, cold sweat started to pour out. I wanted to go home, to go back to my bedroom immediately. I feel really tired and sick, I was already feel like “trúng gió” today and this news further enhance the feelings.

I took a Tylenol, and asked Thanh to take me home right away. One of the great thing about having a home is in a moment of distress, I feel the urge to go back to my roof, and then feel safe. The moment I opened the door, that’s the first thought I had in mind. I can’t wait to be back into my bedroom, so I did, I went straight to my bedroom, change to pajama and hide under the white bedsheet.

I don’t have the mind to explain or to dig deeper into my action and reaction. How and why I was acting as if I was almost in a panic attack more or less, that I needed to be home to be safe. Or how by writing this down, I started feeling chills down my spine again.

What I’m doing right now is recording my reactions, the actions that I took and leave it at that. I think by writing this down, it will make my mind clearer and less distress. What’s happening with me that is so profound?

I hope that tonight my mind can put the puzzle back together so I can be present again.