So after the epiphany of self-applaud or in Vietnamese – tự sướng. Something else comes in mind, and I’m a bit conflicting about these ideas.

So after I tự sướng, I unsent the message. I do think that it’s good to speak out my emotions, but it’s bad to vent out directly to the person who doesn’t need to hear it. I do not have the rights to dump it on the other person. I think I’m confused between the 2 concepts of bravery and exploiting.

If it was just for me, I could easily type it out in this blog post like I always do, why do I have to send out this time. Isn’t that an excuse that I gave myself to allow the monster to took control again?

I have 2 people within me, one is the emotional one, and the other is rational business one. While the rational business one is excellent, I think if we compare it to academic equivalent, it would be a master degree, the emotional one barely finished elementary school. Such a simple matter like yesterday, I crashed and burned like there’s no tomorrow. I curl up in darkness waiting for the storm to pass. You know when the whole city is stuck with Covid, covered with fear and death, there was not a moment where I pause and freeze. I walked straight in to maintain the livelihood of people around me, I was sharp, determined and smart. Do you see the imbalance of my self-development?

And worst of all, I did it to myself. I made myself feel afraid and sad then I made myself to curl up in darkness. It was all me, doing harm to myself wasting a day and a half ( and still wasting now) trying to examine the problems within myself.

With business, I never doubted myself, but with these kinds of emotions. I twisted and turned, made the decision then questioning about the decision confuse the hell out of me.

Do you know what I did yesterday?

In the morning, I was supposed to do Yoga, but I found it very difficult to concentrate, so instead I spent time with my teacher talking. Then when she left, I suddenly feel so tired out of nowhere, I shut down all the curtain even the bathroom door for complete darkness. I was telling myself that I will not have the energy to go to work today. I slept in exhaustion.

Then at 2:00 PM I woke up and decided to go to work. It was my rational self that cannot accept the fact that I’m failling. I took a shower and everything is okay to me. I gain back the energy and the life, I was telling myself that my presence of life on earth is very valuable. I cannot let it go wasted like that, it’s very expensive perhaps the most expensive things on earth that I could never buy.

Happiness is here and now, that’s what the teacher said. If I don’t feel happy now, what makes the next minute more happy?

So I took a shower, walking through the park, enjoying the cold breeze from the river and adoring life. I was very fine, then I got home at around 8PM, the very same monster reappeared again. I was exhausted again and sleep straight away. Little did I know, the master of all monster, you know the father of all appear at midnight. Composing a long long longer than life message, that I think even I cannot read it through and the monster convince me to send it out. Instead of sending it to the oblivion like I usually do, it suggested me to go straight forward like shooting star.

I was totally defeated. That was an epic fail on my part. I’m actually laughing while typing these words down, you know I was behaving as a child and there I was telling myself that I’m grown, that perhaps my emotional self has graduated elementary school.

I’d like to take the time today to contemplate again about my course of actions, at which stage it went wrong and all the way downhill.