“Sài gòn cũng có mùa đông mà nhỉ?” This was the first thought that came to my mind when I walk out of my bedroom to the living room for a hot tea. I’ve left the main door to balcony opened overnight for fresh air to come in. It’s the chilly, tingling in my fingers that wake all of my senses in this beautiful Sunday morning.

It’s already winter here, where the leaves are turning color and the heat of of tropical weather has given way to cooler, more forgiving weather.

It occurs to me on this cool morning, as I was about to start my day getting ready for my morning exercise, that there was a missing piece in my life. A missing piece that no matter how content my life at this time, I can never give it a perfect 10/10. I understand now that when I gave the score to my current quality of life, I’d always give it at 9.5/10. A human connection is the last piece of the puzzle.

Have you every played puzzle? No matter all the effort and time that you have put in that fine 9,999 pieces into one grand picture, as long as the last piece of the puzzle gone missing. It’s incomplete.

When I woke up this morning, the first thought that came to my mind was:” How I miss my Camel so much ! ” and the thought that follow was, how grateful I am to be able to have someone to miss. The language of the heart, is a mysterious language, isn’t it? I cannot decide who to miss, when to miss. I just know when I’m missing someone. It came unexpected, out of nowhere, and flourished through my veins. Some days, the missing wave decided to linger around, some days, it came a went just for a very short visit. Today, I miss my Camel a lot, and the wave still rushing through my heart.

I’ve been pondering on the idea that is my missing Camel a very specific one, or just a general image of a person the love that I am yearning. Did I just use the image of Camel as a metaphor for the deepest connection that I’m searching for?

I have come to the conclusion that it was the specific person that I’m looking for, not metaphoric. It’s the great love we once shared that I was searching for. It should be my Camel.

I wrote in a note last year , when I was about to leave Thailand and come back to Vietnam that what I’m looking for

 A simple house with minimal of stuff, a very big court yard so I can sit outdoor and have a cup of tea, comfortable bed, a dog maybe 2, and as equally important a partner who would enjoy the same thing as and with me.

The message is still very much resonate with my heart today. My home today is as minimal as it can be. My court yard is small but beautiful. My bed is comfortable. I have Moka and Choco – my 2 dogs I love dearly. Funny how life turns around because I have completely forgot about this note up until yesterday when it found its way back to me.

Unfortunately, the part that is “as equally important a partner who would enjoy the same thing as and with me” which is pretty much half of the image I envisioned in my head.

It is not that I’m afraid to be alone, or I don’t know how to be alone. I have been alone for a long time, and perfectly content with the way it is. But isn’t it so much better coming home when the light is already turned on? Or have someone to turn it on together with me?

I will continue to write and explore this idea in the evening when I’m back

18:58 Sunday Nov 28th

As I was walking to work today, I decided to do something different, instead of listening to books – I will listen to the silence to let my mind ponder.

“A partner who would enjoy the same thing as and with me” – I wrote this phrase on May 9th 2020, when I was “officially still in a relationship” with Camel, and I meant wholeheartedly that partner is Camel. I have a feelings this morning that this phrase in its essence is a narcissistic phrase. Does Camel enjoy the same thing as I am? What does he want?

I never asked Camel about this, I never asked if he would enjoy the same thing as me. I never listened nor asked him what he actually wants. All of this was my assumptions, my narcissistic assumption. There I was understanding the fundamental problem why our relationship didn’t work then. I took the spotlight, I claim the spotlight, that all of our story should be my story, should be the way I want, it’s all about me. And that’s when it all went wrong.

Two weeks ago I wrote a question: “What’s stopping me? What’s stopping us? ”. I guess I have the answer now. Frankly, it’s because I’m a narcissistically, self-centered, always talk about herself biatch. And worse, it’s not all, it’s not like he didn’t try to tell me. He told me that he couldn’t find home with me, that 90% of our story is all about me, that I always claim the spotlight, somehow my problem is always big and dramatic.

First and foremost, it’s my fault. My feelings is that I do have strong emotions, and I do express it a lot, also given at that time, I’m still very messy inside out. I claimed all the spotlight and took all the opportunity for me to express it all out. Camel also played a part by not expressing himself, like he’s expected me to ask instead of telling me. But perhaps, it might be because I’m too loud, that I didn’t give space for him to even voice his concern.

Assumption is bad, really bad, it’s the worst thing that could be done to human relationship. I knew that, but I had been on this assumption for a very long time. It’s true, I know some about Camel, I know he wants a simple life as much as me. But what is simple? Does he want to live in a big space but has little thing in it? Does he want dogs? Does he want kids? And things changed you know overtime, 2 years ago, I would have told you straight that I want 4 kids may be 6, now, I’m not so sure. I need to speak to my partner and make the decision together.

What’s his imagination for his life? How would he want to die? Do he want to be remember of?

I think I can answer some of the question, but it’s based on the version I knew 1 year ago. A lot can be changed in a year, I know I changed 360 degree, right back where I was but so much better ( at least I think so).

I guess my next lesson is to learn how to become a better listener, to ask question with the deepest care, and to not make any assumptions.