I have thought long and hard over the topic of whether I was wrong nor right in confessing my feelings, be true and honest with it.

My conclusion is: I was right and I have officially graduated elementary school in the department of emotional self.

Remember the special dream that wrote down in the previous notes in which I set out my intention to communicate as soft, tender and as connected as my therapist. Because the world needs softness and tenderness, in this cold harsh world where everyone is fighting tooth and nails, we need softness and tenderness to soften the edges.

I think it was though I’m already a soft and tender person, the living environment that I was brought up in requires me to be hard to put cages and barrels around to protect the little bird. So long that the bird won’t sing anymore, it’s spending its day in silent covered with heavy barrels. My heart is my little bird. And I want to free the bird from its cage.

What happened last night was the evidence of me freeing the bird. I reached down to my feelings, let it flow over my body, welcome it with my heart and mind and then expressing it to the other. I was able to touch down to my core, to mend the connection between myself and my my feelings. My feelings is my qi, my source of energy. That’s when my life returns.

I’m more at ease with myself than ever. I have accepted my emotions, and I am responsible for it.

I mentioned in the first blog today that this is not the first time I experience these kinds of attacks but what makes this times difference is my strategy with any of the last time was to avoid it at all cost, to ignore the existence of Lorki. This time around, I went straight through it, and learn from it, ensuring that there won’t be next time of attack.

And for that my fear of abandonment and fear of commitment have also completely disappeared. I think during the course of time spending together with Camel, unconsciously, I was never fully committed. He also knew it too, so he stayed far away as well. He also brings to the table, the same thing I bring. I have long feared for his departure ( or abandonment) in my life even from the start, knowing that he will eventually leave to where he calls home. Because of that fear, I was never dwell deep inside. So when the news came, it’s almost like an automatic program, something that’s put the button on and then poof, the emotional train started running.

Think of it as a self-fulfilled prophecy, I think he will leave me, so I was never fully committed. And when he leaves, I’d say : ” Aha ! see, I knew he will leave me” . Perhaps, that’s why I want a do over, because I know I was wrong the first time, and I want a do over, try again, this time I know and I’m without fear, free of baggages. I’m light, as light as a feather, I’m willing to try anything.

In the second blog today , I thought that “but it’s bad to vent out directly to the person who doesn’t need to hear it. I do not have the rights to dump it on the other person” . I actually re read my very long message again, it’s far cry from being a vent.

It’s a love proposal, something that is soft, tender and real. It’s not the kind of Scarlett love, the love that is strong and powerful like waterfall. The kind of love I propose is as gentle as the river flowing through the village.

The bird, I think for the first time, sing a love song to Camel. A true love song, not the kind that includes any pretentious or covered by fear. A love that is based in freedom, free from fear, free from fall. I think for the first time, I truly meant what I said that my love is free. Free to take, also free to leave. And if you choose to leave, please don’t worry about me. I’m responsible for my own emotions.

Why did I have to send the love proposal to Camel? Why I just write in this blog like I always did for the last year?

I think it’s about honesty, I was being honest to myself and also being honest to him. A love is a 2 way connection, and it started with one that has the daring heart to start.

By accepting the death of my father, truly accepting it, let him rest in peace, I liberate myself from his protection. I didn’t let him die before, I didn’t accept his death, I needed his protection for my feelings, for my pains and sorrow. Once I let him go, something extraordinary happened, I found my heart again, I can hear the bird sing again, I’m full and whole, even a much better self than I was when my father is alive. I accept that I’m an emotional beings, I let myself feel for the very first time and I am responsible for my wellbeings, for my emotions, for my sadness, sorrow and for my love. I mean truly am responsible for it willingly, happily.

Without darkness, there’s no light.
Without sadness, there’s no happiness.

The sadness that I’ve gathered so far is the source of power for the happiness to come.

I feel, therefore I am 🙂