The more I delved into the topic of change, the more I understand why I cannot find the love that I dreamed of. Yesterday, when writing about the outburst, I have listed down the 3 factors that goes in round: Logics, Accusations, Righteousness.

I realize the accusations part, the blaming part is actually the thing that belongs to me. All the “wrong” that I listed the others have done, is actually the things that I have done wrong, that I dislike about myself. It’s just a projection of my shadow self, the thing that belongs to me but I was a coward to admit that I have all these dark side. I told Camel that ” Long term commitment của anh không phải là với em”, that is me talking to myself, angry at myself that I can’t be brave enough to consider a long term commitment with him. That day, at the airport, I was mad, I was angry, I exploded 🤯 and hurt everything in the way, I talked non-stop and repeatedly. It wasn’t for him, I wasn’t mad at him, I was mad at myself, I wanted to hurt myself. It sounds very contradictory but this realization makes the most sense to me. On that morning, I wrote down 5 points that I wanted to talk, and it was just purely for me, I was yelling at myself, was disappointed at myself for not being able to do the thing I expect myself to do. I brought the note with me to the airport, yelling all the things that I wrote and left for another city. I still kept the note with me, and to be honest with you, I just opened it again and read it, even I cannot read it myself. As I was reading it, it felt like a million arrows are flying in the form of words coming to my eyes. Oh gosh, how cruel, how childish I was. 🤦‍♀️, like a child who’s crying for the moon while hitting his parents . I played God, and I judged the other blindly, like I have all the rights in this world. I would have paste the 5 points that I jot down, but that’s for another note.

All of this brings to my conclusion that I did not love myself. Despite the fact that I kept saying that I love myself, I spoil myself, I let me do the thing I like to do, I’m unstoppable and invincible. The truth is the exact opposite.

We can actually find the evidence right here on this note, of how much I have changed. This is the note I wrote exactly 1 year ago “ X Mas” and the most recent note I wrote about Christmas . I put the notes side by side and read it through to see how much I have changed.

The version of me 1 year ago is self-sabotaging, all I want to talk about is death, self destruction, and disappearance. I worked myself to exhaustion every single day, on top of that I also exercise just to prove that I also take care of myself. It seems like I want to take the attention by hurting myself continuously. You know like the savior type? like Jesus, I hurt myself, therefore you should worship me, and pay attention to me. Obviously, my conscious mind is not aware of this “sacrificing theme”, the culprit is my unconscious mind. Like there’s dark hairy hands behind my back and navigating my life like a puppet.

This year, through the note, I can see the significant change in loving self. The change is slow, but steady. I’ve been going through my notes since last year and found that my language has changed. It seems like my heart – my Aria has been softer, and more open to love. Instead of writing about “wanting to vanish into thin air” , I wrote about how I have been trying to take care of myself, creating an environment that I love to come back. I developed healthy addiction, you know exercising and writing now is my addiction, like I have to do it, there’s a certain satisfaction that goes through my vein when I finished the task of the day. It’s no longer a drag, but an enjoyment. It’s where my mind and my body flourish, shape into beautiful thing.

I cannot say that I’m an aware being, but I’m pretty sure I am now more aware than last year. It’s a long journey, but I know I am in the right track, I felt more alive than ever. I felt my heart is stronger everyday, not stronger in the sense of armors, but stronger as in more resilient, loving and caring.

I know how to love myself, and I’m no longer afraid to love and be loved.

I guess that’s the most important change that I’ve realize so far.

3. Be my own protector : or to be precise, responsible for my emotions.

You’d probably know the importance of my father over my life, the shadow, the father complex that he has left onto me is remarkable. One of the other important thing that I didn’t realize up until now is He was my protector. I trusted him with the responsibility to protect me, take care of my well beings, and to be responsible for my emotions. And then he left, just like that, without a word. He did not keep his word to me and I was angry at him for that.

So I never let him go, I never let the man rest in peace. I carried to live on but acted and talked about him as if he’s still alive, that he’s still teaching me how to live and still protecting me from harm. I hold on to the imagination, I forced the responsibility onto something unreal.

Subsequently, I also couldn’t let my mother goes, even though I move out of the house for a year already but she didn’t leave my mind. I twist and turn, thinking whether I should make peace or not. Should I come to visit her or not, should I do this should I do that, I never had the peace even though I know that my life right at this moment is beautiful and in the best shape it could be. It’s not perfect, but it’s my personal best.

Camel, notwithstanding, was also one of the victim in this vicious circle, without my father’s present, I charged Camel with the responsibility for my well beings, for my emotions. Well, not directly, but I guess it was with hope.

Until something change couple months ago, I’m not so sure how I overcome it. It wasn’t an exact moment, the change was so minor and so gradual that I didn’t realize it till one day I realize that my father no longer exist in my story. I guess the one dream that marked the end was when I dreamed that he’s dead. There are 2 things that happened, this is the first time that in my dream my father is dead, like my unconscious has accepted that he’s dead. The other thing is ever since that dream, I never dreamed about him ever again where as, before he’s constantly visit me every week.

By letting go of my father, I also let my mother go, and subsequently release Camel from the responsibility of my emotions. I remember Camel once told me that I wrote in my blog about having him is my happiness, or something that is similar and he’s really against that idea. I couldn’t understand that until now, how heavy, and how hard the task was and why he’s refusing to take that responsibility. I think that I was being unfair, childish, and irresponsible. In a way, I acted exactly like my mother once were and then more, I charged it with all the theories and knowledge that I’ve read to prove that I’m right.

What has change : By slowly learning how to love myself, how to take care of myself in a more mature way, I also learn to protect myself, to be my own protector. I learn to be responsible for my emotions and not dumping it on the others like I used to do. What I had told Camel, that I love him, I really wish to have him close, to build a future with him is true. But the other part, if he decided to move forward, I will also be okay with it. It’s truly from the bottom of my heart. That he does not need to worry about me, move forward with his life, and I will also move forward. I know that I will be sad if he left, but I will embrace the sadness, after all, it’s my luck to have found a one great love and be sad about it.

For this change, I believe that history will not repeat itself. That if we do meet, and still have a lot of feelings for each other, I believe we will have a different results. For I have changed, I have grown, I have bloomed, and my heart is ready to sing the love song of my life.