4. I’m no longer a victim: (Continued)

Imagine a girl that got a very deep burn in her arms, the burn healed but it’s not complete. And it’s all we can see or describe about the girl, is she got burned badly. Do you know the book the Girl with a dragon tattoo?

That was me during the time I was with Camel. I was that girl, the Girl with an open wound. I constantly talked about my troubles, I remembered the first time I told him that my Dad passed away, then I told him about my work with the Therapist. From then on, I could never stop talking about it, I wore it around like a trophy. I was louder than him, and I took all of our attention to my problems. Camel has his own problems too, in fact, we have shared the same kind of childhood being the black sheep of the house. I think he’s even suffered worse than me, but I didn’t pay attention to his. Worse, I asked him to only pay attention to mine.

I was the girl with the victim mindset. I am the victim, and people are always trying to hurt me. I was the crying kid showing off my pains, and proudly said: ” Look, I’ve been hurt, look, you have to feel sorry for me.” In other words, I was a narcissist just like my own mother.

Back to the story where Camel even from the start of our relationship has already told me that he’s finding it difficult to find a space for his story, his problems, his life. Yet, I ignored all that. I said this morning that “I heard all that, I understood all that he said”. I’d like to rephrase it, I heard him, but I ignored all that, I couldn’t understand what he meant. I was too focused on myself that I couldn’t see my loved one is also in pain. I was too selfish.

He told me times and again that his worry is that he’s gonna lose his life, that he’s gonna be intertwined with my troubles, my problems so deep that he will get eat up with my dramas. I’d say he was absolutely right, it’s brutal, but it’s said with the utmost honestly, and I think it was a fair assessment at the time.

I didn’t listen to him. I never listen. I never ask question.

I saw a post that I wrote when I moved to Hoi An the first time. It’s the first post of the series 300 happy days that I never get to finished. If you read this post, you could never know that I had an incredible boyfriend that was so supportive of me. That on the night I was on the verse of breaking down, he told me to go ahead and move away (leaving him behind). In comparison, Camel just told me that he’s going to relocate back to Ha Noi, and I was devastated, I was so sad that I couldn’t lift my fingers to do anything. Yet, he told me to move and even went to visit me. He had to process all his other emotions in other to support me every single time I move from city to city. Imagine not being able to discuss with me about his feelings, but rather listen to me saying how happy I was, and me nagging him for telling me that I will come back to live in Saigon. I even went on and told him : ” Why do you want me to fail?” . I still remember his answers: ” Because I don’t want my girlfriend to move away far from me”.

Yet, I ignored his emotions, his love again.

Through all this, he still find it in his heart to love me, that how incredible, loving and extraordinary he was and still is.

And I sabotaged it.

What has changed: by staying away from the toxicity of my mother, I gradually realize my own version of toxicity, that I’m a narc just like her. I started changing, shifting my focus into other people rather than myself. I healed, most of my wounds and problems has found its peace and close the wound. My burns has completely disappeared just like how I found peace with my Dad’s death.

I have no more pains to flash, so I’m no longer a flasher. I don’t discuss about my problem anymore, or I don’t have problem anymore. I found peace or better I found happiness within myself.

I also understand that the values of “freedom” is different from “ignorant”. I applied too much of my values on others, that sometimes, my loved one is hurt because I was distant. I remember Camel told me couple times that :”I never asked about his family” . Well there are 2 reasons:

• I feared all parents in general, especially mothers, any mothers are fearful to me. It was because I fear my own mother, so I’d like to avoid contact as much as possible. It’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I’m afraid. I remembered Marlon took me back to Philippines to visit his family, well, he forced me to go with him to Philippines. I was so afraid to stay in their house that I refused to stay there at all costs. Then the parents of Karim came and visit, and I never went to see them, because also, I’m afraid. Even when Thao’s mom went to work for help, I never dare to come near and greet her.
• My values of “freedom” that I don’t like to ask about personal problems. I think everybody has their own thing, and when they are ready, they will tell me in their own time. I don’t like to ask question and put people into awkward position of having to tell me things that they are uncomfortable with. But then again, I never give any space for other people to tell me their things. That’s a dilemma, isn’t it?

That was the old version of myself. The new version of me, I just thought to myself yesterday morning on the way to work, I’m no longer in fear of mothers and fathers. And just like that I was liberated. By lifting the fear of my mother, I removed the fear of all mothers and fathers altogether. If we put the version of me now, going back in time to visit Marlon’s parents, I would be a charm, I would be a fun loving girl like I always am with other human beings. I know it in my heart that I’ve grown out of my fear, and my heart is ready to give space for other’s mother and father.

I also understand that my values are different than other values, and it’s wrong of me to impose my set of values on the others. I need to understand the other person’s values in order to communicate more effectively. Like Camel, his family above all else is the utmost important thing to him especially his mother. By asking about his family, I’m showing that I care about him. It’s a contradiction to my values, because by not asking about his family, is my way of showing I respect him so much and I want to give him space. I now understand the differences.

Because I’ve healed, I’m no longer a victim, so I don’t see have the needs to raise my voice anymore. I don’t have a lot of problem or struggle in life, or more like most of the problems or struggles in life I can handle it with ease. Not twist and turn like a child crying for the moon I once were.

My life right now is balanced, peaceful, and harmonized. My life now has space for the others to join, to create a life together rather than the other have to live my life with me.

I’m content with my life, and I’d like to share this contentment with my significant other, anh.

I guess if I have to respond to what Camel said a year ago about me taking over his life, I’d like to say: I’m very sorry for my ignorance of your pain and your worry. You were completely right, and I was too overwhelmed with my emotions that I couldn’t see it. I let my emotions overshadowed our entire relationship. You have given me nothing but love and patience and I didn’t see it. Things are different now, I’ve changed. I’m a changed woman. I’ve grown, I no longer want to be the center of attention, I’d like to share a life in harmony. I’d love to hear your story. Please tell me, give me a chance to hear your side of the story. I promise to build a place for both you and me, somewhere that’s always put a smile on your face when you think of. Somewhere that you are looking forward to going back to everyday. Somewhere that you will always find yourself safe and whole. A place that will always have a bowl of warm soup waiting for you to return if we have the chance to be together.