I can’t sleep, I had stayed in this bed since 6 PM yesterday in total darkness and still can’t sleep. Oh how I wish to sleep, because staying up is hard, my mind kept running rounds and rounds.

The one I consider my family has chosen to leave me. The only family member that I consider my family, the family of my choice, doesn’t need me.

I kept starring at the screen and just doesn’t know what else to say. I’m speechless and sleepless. My soul is empty, my heart has gone into silent. It’s funny, isn’t it? As soon as my heart started singing out loud her greatest love song, that’s when she’s broken into million pieces.

I just stood there look at all the broken pieces of my heart and started to feel numb again. I don’t want to feel, feeling is painful and suffocating.

I feel like the world is darker again. Very dark, so dark that I don’t want to see light.

I don’t see the point of living anymore, I am truly alone in this very big big world. For the first time ever, truly alone, all by myself with absolutely no one around. Absolutely no one.

I was filling my medical insurance form today, and I don’t have an emergency contact. I don’t know who to fill in the blank.

I’m typing these words at 04:19 AM, and I’m not thinking. My fingers just work on its all. I just want to go to sleep and vanish into thin air. You know like I never existed.

I had a very busy scheduled working day ahead starting at 10 all the way till 7 pm is fully booked, but I can’t work, I don’t want to work. I don’t see the purpose of working anymore. I don’t see the purpose of life anymore.

Is this how my life is going to be like? I’m going to be alone and I’m destined to be alone, all by my lonesome? If it’s my destiny, then I don’t want to live this destiny, I don’t want to exist.

You know the pain is excruciating that I cannot cry. I want to cry, I want to at least let the tears coming out, but my eyes are dry, even breathing is difficult. I feel numb and pain at the same time, my face are numb but my heart, well it doesn’t exist anymore. It’s broken into million pieces and sank deep into my ground. There’s a hollow hole inside my chest that felt empty and blank. Maybe that’s why I cannot cry?

I have spent this blog writing so much about love, about my Camel, about my greatest lover, or perhaps my only love. I’ve written the 7 changes that I’ve been through, so that when we meet I can tell him how much I have changed and I can love him more than anyone else in the world. I can promise him that I can and I will love him for many lives to come, not just in this lifetime. That I will never leave him, I will always have his back just as he has mine. That though I don’t believe in eternity and forever, because forever is a very long time, I can promise him that I will never let go of his hands despite anything.

I had told him that if he chose to move please don’t worry about me, move forward đi. I can deal with myself.

That’s such an arrogant statement, I can’t deal with this truth. I can’t live without him. I had not imagine my life without him in it. In fact, he’s always around in my mind, in every apartment that I lived in. He’s my future, he’s the future that I’m looking forward to. He’s my past, my present and my future.

Without him in the picture, I don’t know what future I’m looking at. It’s dark, and empty and I don’t want to live that future. I want to cease to exist right now, right at this moment.

I read and I read again of what he wrote. “Vì đó là lựa chọn của anh, vì anh chọn đi 1 con đường khác” . I feel like there are a million arrows coming straight at my heart, my heart is soft, tiny and tender. And it’s now covering with millions arrows all around, so black that you cannot see it anymore.

I feel like it’s has been bleeding hard, and I know that it’s gonna bleed to death. So that I will not feel anymore, so that I will be completely numb. I will either continue to live like a heartless robot or I will die with my heart exploding in my chest.

I feel like I don’t have a choice. I feel like I will either cease to exist or I will exist without my heart and soul all together.

I’m still typing, my fingers are typing for me. I don’t even want to read what I want to write. I’m just typing words because my chest is in pain, and I don’t know where else to go, what else to do except typing, and breathing.