It’s official, my insomnia is coming back to visit me together with nightmares. I was very busy yesterday and I thought that because I was so tired, I can finally go to sleep all the way straight like I used to before Dec 16th, but I can’t, I woke up in the middle of the night, and again in the morning, my sleep can only last about 2 hours max per cycle, and bad dreams kept coming up to me.

This is bad, really really bad. My father resurrects in my dream again 🙁 . I put him to death just couple month ago, let him rest in peace and now he’s well and alive in my dream again. I felt like an reformed alcoholics who’s been doing so well at the AA meeting, and the I was so sad, I pick up the bottle to drink again. You know what’s even worst? Bé Minh is also well and alive too :(( .

My dream was actually horrible, quite horrible. Horrible in the sense of feeling, not the sense of the settings. It goes like this:

I was holding Minh at the church, waiting in line to get baptise, or some sort of thing like that. The church was crowded, people are getting in line waiting for their time to meet the holy Father. It was so crowded and I was holding Minh so it’s really hard for me to move around. I wanted to do what I usually do at the airport, waiting for everyone to get check-in first and then wait for my Turn. There’s no rush, I wanted to only stand up when there’s 3 people at the line.

At this moment, I want to sit down and hold Minh because she’s heavy and I’m tired, hot, frustrated. My mother appear in the dream, telling me to go and stand in line. I told her: ” Mom, look what’s I’m holding. Both Minh and I are tired, please let me sit here waiting, we will wait for our turn” . And it turned into the bloodbath, where she kept talking that I’m not listening to her, that this is important blah blah.

So I gave up, I stood up and wait in a very very long line. And worse, she was moving and pushing me around in between the 3 lines. I felt suffocated, frustrated and angry. Me and bé Minh are suffering, and I just want to sit down for the air to blow into my face.

And in the midst of the chaos, I’m still not at the front of the line yet, still tired and angry. My father appeared. I ran to him, immediately, abandon my spot in the line. I don’t even want to be in the line, so I ran to him. I was crying, asking him to hug me. Then I tell him: “Ba ơi, con bực bội nãy giờ tự nhiên con đã nói là con không muốn đứng xếp hàng mà mẹ cứ bắt con phải xếp hàng” . Then my mother also appeared, angry and yelling in some kind of language that I cannot understand. My father stands between, calm and tell me: “Đâu, đi ra góc phòng này ngồi, kể lại chuyện rõ ràng cho ba nghe xem là như thế nào? ” . As we were walking toward the bench and sat down, my feeling immediately lift up, as if I’m now protected. There’s a reasonable person that will understand my point of view, and this person can support and help me with my child.

I opened my eyes at 2:30 AM and feeling quite confused. My frustration and my anger has resolved within the dream, I felt like I won over the unreasonable monster – my mother. But my immediate thought was also, I thought my father was dead, how come he resurrect in my dream again, together with Minh 🙁 . Come to think of that, I let my father died, but I never let bé Minh die. The fact that I’m still counting her age, meaning she’s still alive in my heart, no wonder why she’s appearing quite vividly in my dream.

I stumbled upon a note that I wrote almost 3 years ago, this is the note that mark the existence of Minh. You know, I avoided the dates. I’m very good with remembering special occasion, birthday etc, but with Minh, I avoided every single details. I don’t want to know the date I found out about her, I don’t know the date I decided to take the first pills to stop the blood pumping to her. I don’t want to know, and I don’t want to remember. Today I did. So it turned out she appeared in my life in Jan 7th, 2019 . That means if she’s alive today she would have been 2 year and 2 month old. I think I wrote it somewhere that she’s would have been 3 years old by now, so I was wrong in the concept of time.

You know I never had the guts to see my hospital paper again? Once it over, I wanted to destroy it, to put it into trash but Camel said he will keep it for me. I don’t remember the date, the time, the weather, the way to hospital and the way back. I don’t remember how it was in the next couple days, what happened? And you know me, I have excellent memory of events, I can recall exactly everything around that area. I can recall the first kiss, how it happened, how did I feel. But I can’t recall any of these blurry days. I remember though, once I pushed the baby out, the nurse had to come into check with me if the extraction is successful. She came in, checked, and told me yeah this is it. She asked me if I wanted to take the baby to test, or if I wanted to bring the baby home to store somewhere. I asked her what kind of test, she said: ” To make sure that a pod this small is a human or not”. That thought scared me, so I told her no I want neither, and you know what I did? I dumped her in the toilet and flushed. To this day, I still can see the little white globe of cells that coming out of my uterus, it was a small round piece, about 2 centimeter, it was white, covered with a bunch of nerves around it, it was red, there was a lot of blood. And to this day, sometimes I still wish that I made a different decision, rather than flush her through the toilet. That was very terrible and unacceptable behavior, and I haven’t told a single soul what happened at that moment in the toilet, the conversation between me and the nurse.

In the department of running away from problems, and emotional confrontation, If I claim to be number 2, there’s no one else dare to take the spot of number 1.

I the note 2 days ago during my conversation with Odin, I was asked a question that was remained unanswered: “Plus, I want you to think long and hard about what happened? Is it an illusion that you are created in yourself, like some kind of fairy tales again? I will let you ponder on this idea and let me know again.”

I have been pondering on this idea about illusion, am I being delusional? The answer is yes, 50%, the kind of happiness the visual that I had in my mind when one went home with one, sharing a beer, talking about life, watching Netflix together is a Utopia. I excluded all other factors outside, family, work, mundane work, housework, house decisions, interaction, arguments etc… I told you times and again, I’m plagued by romanticism through all of the books that I have read through out my life time.

This delusional thought is also supported by Hope. Oh I have such strong hope, really really strong. I wrote about it awhile ago, I fed into it, it grew on me, almost overtook my life. Hope is good, hope is beautiful, but delusional hope is bad, false hope only bring heartache and pains. It grew bigger and bigger, always, so big that I thought my heart could explode with joys. My fantasy world does not exactly help me, you know my dogs, I often wondering how would my dog react if he was to visit me in my home, how would my dog react if he was to live with me in my beautiful home that I had also planned for him.

You see, sometimes I can’t even accept myself and my fantasy world. True, the world needs a person like me, someone who dreams, someone who only think of the beauty in life, and someone who’s always bring with herself an explosion of happy energy that can light up any dark soul. But my dream could also destroy me you know? My dream could bury me deep in many layers and killed in just like it’s been doing in the last 4 days.

You know I still cannot eat. I don’t know how I can still operate, but I still cannot find any thing that’s going to taste not like carton to me. So I just forgot eating altogether. It’s like eating is not existing in my agenda, I’m not hungry, my tummy is not calling me, My tounge is not calling me, and I don’t want to eat.

On the height of the pain, there was a brief moment, that my eyes turned dark, and my brain shut down and in my ears I can only hear the buzzing sound : oooonnggg , that’s what I heard, and my heart thumping. I found it incredible hard to breath. That’s the height of my emotional manifestation in my body, it was such a bizarre experience. It was scary, and very hard to explain, like I’m losing control of my body.

You know, I studied about about psychology right? I had a theory that I thought was very good to apply in this case, but I need to work now. I will try to write tonight when I’m back at home. Thank God that I still need to work, otherwise, I will just lay in feeling my body and my soul disassociated.