Hope sustains life. Hope is the elixir of survival during our darkest time. The ability to envision and imagine a brighter day gives meaning to our suffering and renders it bearable. When we lose hope, we lose our central source of strength and resilience.

My hope for a reunion day of me and Camel has sustains me through the darkest time of my life, when I decided to part way with my family, I needed something to hold onto. These hope is so strong, it empowers me to move forward at a light speed to improve myself in other to be worthy of love. I would have died, if I had to give them up couple months ago.

The pains, the sufferings, the nightmares, the insomnia, the heartache that I’ve been through in the past couple days is the expression of me parting way with my only hope. Fortunately, my heart is more durable now, so I didn’t have to die, just pains.

Two years ago, when I was working with my therapist, I told him about my patterns of picking the loved one. That all of my boyfriends had the exact same pattern, same situation, same environment: Someone who lives alone for a long time, independent, far away from the family, there’s no representation of family anywhere. Even from the first one down to the current one at a time: Camel, same exact pattern. You know what my therapist told me: Because it’s the same, the result will be the same, same exact parting way. Your unconsciousness chose this man for a reason, you chose him because you know it will not end happily. Your unconsciousness chose him because you know, you won’t be together for long.

I was deeply in love, we were very happy with each other, how come my therapist said such an absurd statements. He also went on and told me that I should pick 3 different partners, to choose to make my minds more open than just to focus on only one. He said that he’s telling me this as a brother to a sister.

I didn’t listen. I strongly believe that I can change. I chose this man, I knew him inside out, and I’m working on myself so this time the result will be different. I was working on myself relentlessly, toward a different result.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Albert Einstein

Being apart from Camel for over a year didn’t exactly help me to face the reality as well, I was living in a fantasy world. I didn’t lie, I was hopeful, the hope is so strong everyday that I abandoned every other aspect of my life. I didn’t lie about my perception, my perception lies to me. It painted flowers, fairy tales, and love. It was the love between the 2 broken souls that unencumbered by the societal assumptions, the everyday mundane thing, the so-called “responsibility”. My imagination, and my fantasy betrayed me. It brought me to the brink of insanity. I lived an imaginary life in my apartment.

I knew Camel was broken from the very start.

And that’s what I like about him, because I was broken too.
Same exact kind of damaged,
same exact kind of pains,
same exact kind of injury.

Just opposite sex
Ah no, he had it worse than me

In Camel I saw someone who’s hurt more than me, and I want to heal him. My mind couldn’t stop thinking about him because I know someone else is actually hurting more than me and I know well enough what hurt and pain looks like. What emotional monster can come and visit us at night when we least expected. So when he told me about the monster visited him when he took the psychedelics I bought him, I knew exactly what it was.

We were born and raised in the same kind of broken family.

Mai

I was the first child of a narcissistic mother and an absent father. We are a business family. Because of his absence in my life, I idolized him. He became my sacred place, my emotional anchor. For years, I secretly lived my life the way he wanted. If I was broken or was sad, all I needed to do is to call him, hearing his voice reassure me that I’m not alone. He was my God. My living God. My go-to phrase in my mind when I had an arguments with my lover when I was younger: As long as I have my Father’s approval, nobody on Earth can stop me from doing anything. I only need his approval. I was his doll.

So when he called in that morning around December 2006, telling me that I should not be a doctor, even though I was preparing myself for 10 years, I stopped. When Vinny proposed to me, and telling me to move to London, the first thought that came to my mind was: How am I going to tell this news to my Father? How am I going to tell him that I’m going to leave him for good? That thought scared me, and I didn’t went through with it, because I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving him behind. I didn’t even dare to think of talking to him even though we discussed things all the time.

My family was pretty laid back, we don’t need to get good grades or be excellent. It was not important to both my father and mother. But I was an excellent child, I excel in everything that I do without much work. I can talk with fathers non-stop, going to visit grandma with him everyday, going to his farm, you know spending time with him, and I’m still excellent. I didn’t have to study so hard, like my friends. My excellence only grew with time. During the time of university, I had my first job, I was working and studying at the same time, earning 5 million a month, with my father gave me another 5 that’s 10, I had the work ethics that nobody can beat me. After I finished my university, I worked, hard, and excellent. I achieved everything at light speed, and only make my father prouder and prouder. Everything I touched always turned golden.

I shined in whatever I do. So even though my mother was harsh on me, she was jealous of me because I was excellent, I was invincible. I always have my study, my very good results, my achievements, my money “to throw” in her face. I looked down on her while fearing her.

Little did I know that I had secretly married my father in my mind. Sounds like incest, but it’s not, there’s nothing sexual about this. It’s about the symbol of protection and care.

My father was the husband of my mind

Then he died. He’s no longer there, I couldn’t call him to look for reassurance anymore. Sometimes I wished that I recorded his voice and listen to him whenever I need to. I was forced to grow up. To become an independent woman, out of my father’s protection. It’s a very long time for me to outgrew him, but I did. Camel mentioned to me couple times that I should wake up, that my father is dead, and I should not wish for him to come back to help me. I was angry at him for even saying that, I was boiling for 1 whole year. I understand now, behind that message was: Hello, I’m here, I’m willing to protect you, I care about you so much. Let me take care of you, please don’t wish for another man to help you. Let me take care of our child together, and not your father. I promise that I will welcome our child as our own as well. I love you and I’m here, I exist. Your father is no longer existed

In Camel’s mind, we were in a 3-way relationship in which there are 3 people involved: Me, my father, and him. He was at the last. He’s not allowed to speak ill of my father, and it would be so wrong of him to be jealous of my father. He was already defeated before he even entered the battle. The result was already decided long time ago.

Then I grew out of it, completely grew out of it. Have a home of my own, feeling home whenever I’m back from work. My father illusions is putting aside, I no longer idolized him, he no longer appeared in my thoughts, and everyday conversation. My father is dead in my mind, my heart and my soul. I divorced my father and move on. I’m free. I’m whole, and I have space for a man in my life now. A complete, whole space that reserve for a grown man, where he doesn’t have to compete with any other males and just be himself with me.

In a way, I was lucky that my father is dead. Because the vow that I gave to him is so strong, that nothing can break it. Even death cannot break it, but death helps, and by the work of myself, I broke it. I broke the chains that keeping me back the entire time, that my emotional self remains the little girl looking for father’s approval. I was almost happy because my father is dead, thus I’m free.

I believe that my relationship with Camel will change because my father is no longer represent, standing in the way of our relationship. My heart that I once always gave 50% to my father, only 50% to my loved one. It is now fully 100% for my loved one.

Camel

Camel was the second child of a retired veteran and a sensitive Mom and an excellent brother. He was born in an intellectual family that required results, results, results. A kid needs to be excellent, a kid needs to get good mark in order to be approved.

His father trained him with the utmost discipline like he the way he used to in the military. How to fold your blanket neatly, how to arrange everything in an orderly way, how to follow orders. And punishment, a lot of punishment when an order is disobeyed. He was taught that to a person, fulfilling duty and responsibility is the ultimate goal of a “soldier”. In a society, everybody has their task, and everybody need to do his/her own task to function.

Before entering elementary, he has a good childhood, perhaps beautiful, just like me. Spending days swimming in the river, climbing trees, chasing dogs. My turning point is because my father left me for work in a faraway land. His turning point is because he needs to go to school, and to move to the city.

Camel’s talent does not fit with the educational system, where speed is everything. He’s bright, and smart but he’s attention to details, and it took a lot of time to care for the details. That’s why he cannot keep up with the school work, it’s not because he’s incapable, it’s because he needs more time. The educational system in Vietnam is exactly the opposite, a kid needs to be fast to learn 11 subjects in a year. Camel needs time to ponder, to study, to understand, to research. Once he get it, it will be much deeper than everyone else. He did not fit with the school system, but once he out of it, his talent is what people most needed. He became excellent, someone who posses a rare talent that we can hardly find in the Vietnamese society.

Unfortunately for him, he also have an excellent brother. Someone (by his description) who excels in everything he does, get good grades, study in good school, sings beautifully, plays music in ways that touch the other’s heart. His older brother was and still is his father’s pride. His father wanted him to rise to that level or at least somewhere acceptable. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He rebelled. Skipping school, growing long hairs, doing things that his father didn’t want.

I once read my sister diary about her suffering and pressure under the fact that she has an excellent older sister. So I knew, I can pierce into his soul and understand the sadness that he had to bear. Behind the rebellious behavior, is a broken heart. A child who was so happy during his childhood playing the field couldn’t understand why and how his father can treat him this badly. He did nothing wrong, he did his best to study. It’s just that he cannot achieve the result his father wanted. Then he’s hurt, he doesn’t allow himself to feel anymore. His heart closed completely, he can’t no longer feel. After each and every beatings he received, a new bars of iron is set around his heart.
Then he found music, a distraction. A perfect way to hide away from all the pains in his body, and his souls. He hide himself deeply, he lost the ability to express his feelings and he can only express it through his music. When he’s sad, he listen to sad songs to know that he sad. When he’s happy, he listen to happy song. He develop a second personality, instead of feeling, he thinks, and plan. Everything needs to follow a plan. That’s when he feel safe. Procedure, protocols, steps, timeline is where he feel safe. He needed it to feel safe. He need to take control and to know what’s expected of him. Once the expectation is set, he needs to finish it. Because discipline is what got him to where he is now. And he needs to follow that no matter what.

I still remember the first time he introduce himself to me. Anh là kỹ sư, cả gia đình là kỹ sư, bố là kỹ sư, mẹ là kỹ sư, anh trai là kỹ sư, anh cũng là kỹ sư. I thought that was just very odd, why would you want to tell me about your family work? I only want to get to know you, I don’t care if your father is an engineer or a worker. It’s you that I’m interested in. That’s the first sign of the something wrong. Then later I randomly got questioned like: ” You didn’t ask about my family? You never care for my family” . I thought that was also very odd too. I only knew him, that’s why I care about him. I didn’t know about his family, how can I care about his family?

He defined himself through his family. Caring for his family means caring for him.

Then he started talking about his mother. His mother for some reason, paid a lot of attention to him. She gave him the love, the care, the nurturing that he could not get from his father. While he was the disappointment of his father, to her he was just simply her son. She loves him no matter what. She tried to give him more love than she could, to cover for his father also. She compensated to him by giving extra love and care. Just like my father, she was his emotional anchor. She’s the reason he’s still alive, she’s the reason that he’s still living.

I remembered telling myself: Oh shit, there goes a mama’s boy.

His mother was his first and only wife in the mind. He was the son also the husband of her. This kind of “incest” relationship is going to persisted through times.

His mother, she didn’t have a good relationship with her husband. They don’t talk to each other, it’s a family of silence. So she poured her love into this young second son, who’s so fragile, who’s so in need of her love, and vice versa. She needed him too, desperately. She called him everyday, even just for a few seconds, or a few minutes, but she called everyday, just like a wife checking on a husband everyday. It gives her joy and comfort knowing that there’s a man that’s always responding to her with love. Every time he went home, she fed him, everyday at 6:00 PM, consistently. And he obliged, consistently. He felt guilty if he did not eat her food. The guilt is very strong, and it’s growing on him every single day passing by knowing that his mother is going to die soon. We don’t know when, but can be soon. The guilt is eating him alive. This kind of mother complex is so strong, I read it somewhere, it’s called ” The Dragon Mother”. Its main weapon is GUILT. By making the man feeling guilty, it’s chaining both his legs and arms,

Camel was never allowed to grow up. Living far away from his mother’s home for 10 years, but he never consider the place he’s living home. He never invested in his living space, always somewhere temporary, small, dark, and uncomfortable to live, somewhere just bare minimum to his needs. He argue that because he always travel and he barely lives here, that’s why he chose a smaller place. I think it’s much bigger than that.

He called the house where his mother’s living – Home. The one and only home he’s allowed to have in his heart. He isn’t allowed to live his separate life. He once told me in Hoi An: living with me for couple days, he doesn’t feel completely home, sometimes he does, sometimes he does not. He’s torn up between the needs to be separated from this childhood home, to claim a new place home, and the guilt that he abandoned his mother. The former will never win.

His life has to always be intertwined with his mother one way or another. I bet you we have been with each other for 3 years, and she still doesn’t know the existence of me. He’s guilty to tell her that he loves another woman. So he never told her about me, even though they talked on the phone everyday. I knew it, because every new year, I would send some gift and he would ask me: “What would I say? Who would I tell this gift is coming from?”, like I need to give him some guidance to tell his mother. Because he truly loves me he felt like he’s cheating on her, and he wouldn’t want to hurt her. He’s afraid that if he broke the news to his mother, the only thing she can hear is he doesn’t love her. That he will never go back to her, that he’s going to move away forever, abandon her. He didn’t even dare to think of this, let alone do it.

Obviously, we cannot blame his mother for the love and care she gave to her sons. It’s because of her love, that he’s grown to be a fine, good man, broken but capable. But when she’s too heavily invested in job, she invested her body, her soul into him, she became the first victims and so does Camel. Everything that she spent her life sacrificing for him, she’s going to ask all of it back.

I think, metaphorically, we can say that he still didn’t even cut his birth cord, the placenta is still in tact pretty deeply. The debt of life from someone who has spent her entire life sacrificing for him is so big, that even now 34 almost 35 years later, he still just a child who needs to make his mother happy. She has been waiting for him to be home, like a wife has been waiting for a husband home after a long journey. They have an unbreakable vow that she let him go outside and play for awhile, but he needs to find his way back to her, one way or another. That they will be reunited and living happily ever after in this childhood home. There’s no one on earth, not a single force could break this vow.

So when he said: ” Let me fulfill my task, and once I turn old, I can see you”.

It means that: I need to be with my mother, repaid her debts. I’m not allowed to love another woman more than my mother. The guilt would not let me live happily. I could not overcome this. I am not allowed to share my heart with the other people, because I already made this promise a long time ago, long before your existence. I promise my mother my heart is hers and she can use it in whatever way she want.

So back at the airport, when I told him: Long term commitment của anh không phải là với em, long term commitment của anh là với gia đình hay (hay với mẹ anh) . Làm sao em có thể mở lời nói để tính chuyện với anh? Làm sao em có thể mở lời kêu anh chọn lựa? Vì thật ra anh đã chọn lựa sẵn từ trước rồi mà.

I was being honest, straight to the point of the question. It’s exactly what I had in mind, I could not compete, I was already defeated before entering the match. It’s a rhetorical question that no one dare to even answer.

I always felt being in a relationship with Camel is a 3-people relationship. It’s His mother, him, and then me. I’m always at the bottom.

When I asked him for help, and told him that I needed it urgently and he didn’t do it, so I went on and did it alone. His response was: “Ngay cả khi mẹ anh nhờ anh, mà anh cũng không làm liền. Mọi việc phải có trình tự.

When I told him: You never called, I was away, and I was always calling. You never called. His response was: Anh chỉ gọi cho mẹ anh để checking thôi, anh không gọi cho ai cả.
It’s always a competition between me and his mother in his mind. That his mother is the first choice, and if he doesn’t do it for her, he won’t do it for others. I felt like a mistress, a third wheel in this relationship. That he and his wife/mother has the better hands, and I always have to be at the second base. That when his mom/wife called, I need to stay silent, like a hidden mistress, so he could talk to his mom/wife. Or he would tell his mom/wife to call back another time because he doesn’t want me to hear their private conversation.

I was the mistress, the unnamed mistress. Someone hidden in a different city, that can remain hidden for a long time. This mistress knew of the wife, she knew her existence, but because of this dynamics, she’s not allowed to give any opinion at all about the mother/wife. It’s either take it or leave it, they came as a package. So I chose to avoided the topic altogether. I never asked, never mentioned.

The reality is, these 2 relationships are separate. In fact, in the animal world, a wolf, a lion once passed the age of teenagers are forced to move away and to never turn back. At best, it can create the territory right next to his mother’s, but never the same land. Because the mother’s job is finished, and it’s a one-way street. A mother’s job is to take care of the child, and it’s the child’s job is to carry on and create another child to take care, and the blood line continues.

Camel, in my opinion, is trapped tightly by guilt in the name of love. And he cannot escape it, no matter how hard he tried. He’s still the same teenager who’s been living inside his parent’s house following orders. He’s still hasn’t grown up emotionally to separate him and his childhood home. The street that supposedly a one-way street, suddenly became a loop. That once you reached a certain point, you need to turn back right at the beginning. I doubt that he will ever escape this loop, and the vicious circle continues through generations. Pain is inherited you know?

I understand it, because when comparing, even if the relationship between me and mother suddenly turned good, I don’t see there’s any chance that I’m coming back to live with her. Because the place is no longer my home, it’s a house leading by an older woman. My home is where I’m the one in charge, and free to express myself. My mother’s place becomes too small for me, the nest will be too small for 2 grown women to be in together, I will feel suffocated. I’ve grown out of the place, and I can no longer fit inside. There’s a saying in military that in an army, there’s only one general. what happened if there are two? Everybody will die. Or, Một núi thì không thể có 2 hổ được. The child who continues to live under the roof of the parents, bringing more child into the family will forever be the child. The grandchildren is just the new children of of grandparents. There’s only one line, the leaders (The grandparents) at the top, and everyone else (The children, the grandchildren) at the same level.

All in all, Camel has his life much harder than me. Way way harder. I felt extremely lucky being myself compared to him. I don’t know if I could turn out as good as him if I was him.

The four-people-relationship

I always knew the topic: Ha Noi. I always knew that he will move back, he called the place home for god sake. That’s why I never talked about it, it’s the elephant in the room that I knew existed. I knew it from day 1, that was my question, because I already experience it. I knew it when he was planning to build his house, and we barely talked about the details because he’s planning to live with his parents forever. I knew that once I poke it, the result will never be in my favor.

So I kept my distance, just enough. He also kept his distance, just enough. Because we both were afraid, we were playing poker with each other and there’s 4 cards already opened, but we still haven’t opened our 2 cards. We kept it, prolonged the battle for as long as we can. Because we were both avoidant, we don’t want to and we don’t know how to deal with these turmoil. We love each other, but my father and his mother doesn’t allow us to love. Their shadow was always lurking behind us every time we are with each other. When we were discussing our problems, it was not the conversation between 2 loving souls, but a battle between the Dragon Mother and the Dragon Father.

The relationship between him and me was a 4-people relationship, foursome. It goes like this : Mai-Mai’s father, Chung-Chung’s mother. I wonder if it’s was foursome in bed, because I knew it was threesome in my head. Sometimes, while in the middle of making love to soulmate, I felt guilty, the thought that running through my head was: I wondered if my father’s soul is standing right here in this room, overlooking at me, disappointed at me because I’m doing something lustful. That’s I’m not his little girl, but a woman who enjoys making love to her soulmate. I wondered if his mother existed in the same room, standing at the corner looking at us too? My bond was weaker because my father was dead, his bond is super strong because his mother is well, alive and called him everyday. The resemblance is shocking, because we are so alike. We are so broken, and we found comfort in the similarity. I wanted to heal him, to nurture him and to love him. He wanted to protect me, and to care for me – the task that he needed badly to outgrown his Dragon Mother Complex.

So when my father’s is out of the picture, I became just me. The relationship will go like this: Mai, Chung – Chung’s mother. It’s out of balance, the tip of the scale is heavily tilted to the other side, that’s why it couldn’t work. He felt scared, and afraid, he could not continue like this. I gave him 100% of my heart and I required the same. That’s what he cannot do. He cannot be responsible for 2 women at the same time. He cannot share his heart because he already promised his entire heart for his mother. Perhaps he could give me 30% or so, but cannot more than 40% and he know I needed more.

My fantasy world drew a different picture. The relationship that I had in my mind was between: Mai-Chung. I was filled with the ecstasys of life once I removed all of my chains and lock. Unencumbered by any of the societal expectations, of father and mother’s complex, of emotional baggage, I was hopeful, almost delusional, or actually I was delusional. I believed in fairy tales you know, so when my name next to his name formed his entire name, I thought I was destined to be with this man despite anything in this world. Because I was able to removed my father, my mother out of the picture, I assumed the same on the other side. I secretly wished that by some magics, he will choose to be with me, to share the happy life that we deserve.

I forgot, completely, I forgot that he defined him by his family. That’s why I was defeated by my own imagination. Killed by my own perception, I was the one to blame and not everyone else.

My broken angel

If I was to pick a single person on Earth that I knew so deeply, understand so profoundly, that is Camel. I don’t know how and why, but I felt as if I was walking with his soul while writing these words down. I felt as if I was him, going through his life, holding his hand, and feeling the pains that he’s feeling at the moment.

Camel was and still is my angel – my soulmate. He was the angel of my life, someone who was sent to transform my life in ways I couldn’t imagine. He had supported me in ways that I could never imagine anyone on earth could support me. He was and still is the essence of my life, the other part of the soul that I’m yearning for. He turned me from a broken child to whole grown woman. He was and still is my angel – but a broken one.

An angel that has his wings clipped away. He’s forever in pain, he’s forever bleeding, but his heart remains pure and beautiful through millennia .

A broken angel that I desperately wanted to care for, to love as much as he loves me. I wanted to use my wings to lift him up with me, I wanted to fly for him because I knew he’s also very tired and exhausted from life. I wanted to shelter him in my heart, that no one can hurt him any longer, that he’s not alone in this big world with his list of task and things to do. I wanted to stand up for him whenever he’s tired and wanted to take a rest. I wanted to be there for him to just be together. I still want to do those things, as long as he let me, but I doubt that he will ever let me.

So I feel like I’m standing at the crossroads, wanted so bad to turn left while I know that turning right is the right thing to do by me.