Sáng hôm qua đi làm, trên đường đi làm nghĩ miên man. Tại hôm bữa Phương thấy Mai khóc đó, Phương chợt nhớ ra hay ko biết ở đâu 1 cái suy nghĩ hiện lên trong vô thức

Nếu 1 ngày Mai rời khỏi thế giới này, Phương nghĩ chắc điều mọi người nhớ ở Mai nhất là nụ cười của Mai. Nên Mai đừng vì điều gì mà làm mất đi nụ cười đó

Tự nhiên nghĩ tới đó nước mắt Phương trào ra. Khóc theo

Today is Christmas. I thought to myself, oh wow, it’s Xmas eve today. A long time has gone by, or maybe no time at all. I completely forgot about today, the past week has gone by .. hmm.. I want to say in a blink of an eye, but I also want to say a millennium. Perhaps the concept of time does not exist in the my universe the past 7 days.

Phương is one of oldest friend from University. In the path of life, we grew apart, then we get close together. Phuong and me can spend 3 hours discussing non-stop about life, stuff like how the generals of Vietnam Cong Hoa lose, what’s the main reason behind it. In the past couple years, Phuong and I learnt together, we became wiser together, discussing topics so in depth that I doubt there’s any human on earth can spend that much time catching up with our speed of thoughts.

So when I felt like I’m all alone in this big big world, I called Phuong. I told her what happened, and I’m hurt, badly, deeply, and I cried to her. She would patiently listened to me, and repeat again and again that she’s been there and she’s sure that there will be light somewhere. “Rồi Mai sẽ tìm ra con đường sáng”, that’s what she told me.

She typed these words to me this morning, she touched my heart. I cried again when I opened my eyes. I felt touched but also felt sad, I cannot describe why I felt sad, but I’m sad.

“This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

The Fight Club

When Phuong described to me her feelings, I felt ashamed. I’ve spent my time mourning something in the past for someone that clearly does not need me, or want me to be a part of their life. If that’s not the clear definition of stupidity, I’m not sure what is the better words to describe it?

When someone hurts me, not only did I take care of myself, I also helping that person to hurt me even more. I imagine that there’s a table full of knife in the tables in front of me. I could choose to walk away, but I didn’t. I sat down, and picked up one knife at a time stabbed right inside my chest and twist until it bleeds the most. It’s me choosing to let other people hurt me, and it’s me hurting myself also.

It’s my life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. And I’ve spent the last 10,080 minutes drowned in sorrows, sadness, and self-destruction.

I can’t sleep, or I barely slept and I’m not sure why because I worked really hard and using so much energy during the day. And I dreamed, the dream land this week is very heavy, images are just very dark.

Last night, I dreamed of being pregnant again.

I dreamed that I had a very flat tummy, so muscular. I worked really hard to achieve that result, but look healthy and ripped ( in real life, I’m working toward that goal too, and I’m getting there, soon) . I found out that I’m pregnant when I was changing clothes. My tummy though very flat, but a baby is growing inside, very small, very tiny but she’s there. I can’t recall the dream exactly, but I know I was happy and excited. In the dream I’d imagine how my tummy is going to get big, and how I am going to be so full of joy once the baby appeared.

Now that I’m writing about it, more information came in. I think it was a competition, something like I won because I’m pregnant or some sort. I can’t recall it clearly now, but I’m pretty sure I was pregnant.

It’s Christmas Eve and I can’t feel any happiness around me. Though the weather today is perfect, a bit chilly, there’s no sun around. The town seems to be in a very good shape to prepare the the holiday. Yet, I found no holiday mood at all. I didn’t buy me a present this year, I’ve been thinking hard to (well, not so hard because I just realize today is Christmas) and I have come down to 2 things: I need a dyson airwrap dryer, and another speaer- the good kind for my study room.

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26 Dec 2021

Hellooooo again !!! (Me trying to bring back my happy voice ) haha. Anh Khoa and Trinh came over to my house to spend X mas eve, it was warm and cozy. My heart melted. The more I wrote, the brighter my mind became. You know, sometimes when I re-read what I have written, I thought that was someone else, I mean you have to agree with me that the piece I wrote “My broken Angel” is extraordinary. Haha, I’m truly surprised how clear and concrete I was. I think I have the potential to be a writer, and also a psychologist.

Ever since Phuong’s asking me to not do anything to lose my infectious smile. I kept thinking about that, ever since I was a child, since the age of 5, I had already made the decision to smile over anything, to bring happiness to the world. I should do that to myself too, first and foremost. I have drown myself in sorrow and over analyzing everything, it’s like digging my own grave to hurt me even more. I imagine that I stood in front of a table full of knives and one by one I use the knife to stab me. I’m like a saddist, and a masochist, the saddist kept having fun causing pain, and the masochist kept having fun receiving pain. Two of the people is one – Mai. So I decided to lift up my mood, I decided to smile, and bring myself back to original state of my infectious smile.

I did, it’s an easy thing for me. Hiding behind my smile is the best skills that I have trained myself living under my mother roof. It’s the best things that ever happen to me. You know when people said: ” Fake it till you make it?” It’s me.

But I cannot lie to subconscious, my dream told me another story. 3 nights in a row, I dreamed 3 different complicated dreams.

Christmas Eve’s dream: I was in my apartment, well, my apartment but it’s an office. Camel’s taking care of his mother in the room next door, and my bedroom, Thao, Thanh and me are standing next to each other. There’s also a lot of staff standing also in the room, we were standing and talking that Camel is next door with his mother. I went to check earlier, and they are practicing Yoga together, in the most complicated way that I could imagine, really highly advanced pose. Then he showed his mother the office, he was half joking with his mother that All of these people are my girlfriends (including me). It meant that they are just work friend, and he’s loyal to his mother. He repeated the sentenced ” All of these girls are my girlfriends” and every time he said, I felt a sharp pain in my heart.

It’s strange, it’s a dream, but I know it’s a sharp pain straight in my heart. Like an arrow was shot right inside the chest, not one arrow but 3 times. The pain is sharp and real, the word in Vietnamese would be: ” Nhói đau 1 cái muốn quỵ luôn”. I woke up and the sharp pain still persists in my heart, around the chest area. I can recall vividly when Camel just ignore my being there, and joke about others being the girlfriend. Every single time he said a sentence, my heart stopped a beat.

Christmas Day’s dream: This dreams just happen this morning. I was pregnant again ( and in my dream it’s the 2nd time of pregnancy) . My mother knew about it and she said that both her and Dad just bought a very beautiful big cozy villa in District 7. Dad found out about my pregnancy too and he said he’s very disappointed because after the 1st time happen, I already promise him that this will never happen again, yet here I am being pregnant again for the 2nd times. I wasn’t scared, wasn’t sad, wasn’t affected by my mother and father’s expectation. I said let me go and examine the house to see if it’s okay for me and my baby.

I’m pretty sure by this time, I’m in a lucid dream mode. Because I was very proactive, I said I will think about it whether to keep this baby or not. The first time is an accident baby, the second time, well, it shouldn’t be an accident baby. I should know how to keep her with me.

I went on and check out the house, it wasn’t as beautiful house as my Mom imagine. I decided to give the house and tour, and oh well, it was dark, and just basic boring house. Do I want to stay in this house? Hmmm. 🤔 , maybe, maybe not. It’s not exactly nice, but it’s not too bad. So I went outside and check the exterior of the house, turn out, it was very crooked from the outside. Half of the house is on the river, like some ghetto place. You know, the kind of house is built on this very fragile wooden pole.

I took a look around the neighborhood. It wasn’t the nice District 7, Phu My Hung area, it’s on the edge of district 7. Like a slum dog place, with trash everywhere.

I told myself: No, definitely no. My child will never live in this place, I will never live in this place. I will find somewhere else to stay and raise my child. The remaining question was, should I keep this child? Do I want to bring her into my life?

Then I woke up, I’m pretty sure it’s a lucid dream because I went around and checked everything to make the decision. I wasn’t led by the dream. But one thing if we consider in the whole dream was “LONELINESS”, I made the decision to abandon my first child alone, and now I’m considering abandoning my second child. There’s no representation of the father anywhere. My unconscious seems to agree with me that we are all alone in this very big big world.

26/12/2021

I joined a very special meetings that collect dreamers around the cities. I met a lot of friends there, and then I found myself started turning my friendly mode on. Going around, talking, making friends, hiding my sorrow behind my smile.

It’s working, and it’s working well, but my dreams they tell a different story. They are telling me that I’m hurting, deeply, and sad deeply.

It’s to the point that I couldn’t find a proper time to express my feelings. I decided that I will take a day off today to start writing and finishing everything before the new year start.