I clicked the button to level 16, opened the door, dropped my bag. The house smelled funny, Choco and Moka must have been peed somewhere that nobody can trace. I tried to look for it, but couldn’t find it anywhere. I gave up. I turned the light of the Christmas tree on, light up the candle, put some oil in the diffuser, it will smell better after 10 minutes. I love a house with beautiful smell. The flower still looks good, the sunflower is gone, it’s been a week, but the other flowers are still beautifully intact. I gave Choco and Moka the longest hug possible.

I took a shower, washed my hair, changed to a more comfortable clothes. My tummy is a bit larger, probably because I’m on period because I didn’t eat much while I was in Hoi An. I took out the stuff from my luggage, put everything into its place, the hair dryer, the toothbrush, the clothes, the moisturizer, the book, and the laptop.

The laptop! I wanted to write, I wanted to immediately pour out my thoughts. I haven’t had the time to sit down and write a proper notes in the last couple days, and thoughts are just lego pieces that waiting for me to form into a proper shape. I have started many draft but none of them are finished because I didn’t have the time.

Oh my God! I have become a person that I cannot even recognize myself. I became a stranger to myself. Someone who’s so responsible, someone who’s so neat, someone who can’t stand a day without exercising or writing. I don’t even know this person, this person is strange … but in a good way. I think I like this person, probably love this person. A Mai 2.0? Or a Skyler 2.0? or a completely different one maybe someone whose name is Wednesday because she was born in a beautiful Wednesday morning with so much love from father and nana.

The last couple days was a roller coaster of emotions, and I was trying to document it somewhere here in the draft post, and in my head. That’s another story to tell later, I will finish those stories soon. What I wanted to write in this blog is a documentation of my emotions starting from the moment I left Hoi An. I must tell you a back story first before I can describe my feelings.

I have been wondering about the decision to expand the business and opened up in SECC, raising funds, signing up contracts, asking friends to put money into my business. It’s the natural path of the business, to grow up or to die down, well it’s the natural path of everything in this world, there’s no plateau, just up or down. I haven’t received any money, signed any contracts, even the rent contract is not signed yet so I still have the option to back down.

The reason why I’m starting to considering these options because of the following:

1. Long before Bliss was born, I have made the decision to move to Hoi An, to live in that beautiful old town. My children will be so happy being born and raised in that town, they will grow up healthy, and close with nature. They will grow up being a humble person, with the ability to think by themselves, they will be in tune with the reality. To my mind, that town is the perfect place to grow a family. I will live happily, my eyes will always fill with greenery, my lungs will always be filled with oxygen and clean air, my toes will always be filled with sands, and my heart will always be filled with sunshine. I worked, I studied, I worked, and finally I found the solution for me to sustain that life and build my dream. I was going to bake the perfect croissant, create the perfect course to teach baking, I was going to live a peaceful simple life with Camel. That was my original plan, when I’m on that repatriation flight back to Vietnam and quarantined for 21 days.
2. Then Bliss was born, out of the blue, I was still sticking to my plan when I signed my first home contract for one year. The deposit was 30 million, and I thought maybe I will stay here 6 months, and then just lose the deposit. Thao will take over the Bliss in Saigon, we want it to be small enough to manage between us. I will continue my plan in Hoi An, develop new recipe and sending it over to the factory in Saigon. Little did I know, I finished the whole contract and signed a new one in a bigger home staying another year.
3. Then Bliss grew up, like Thánh Gióng, out of any of my expectation. Not in a million year my calculation can plan for this kind of growth, I didn’t plan for it, I didn’t aim for it. It just happened. The thing anh Tri said to me when I first started: “Mai, you must know that everything you touched turns gold. The thing is you get bored” kept vibrating in my head. I don’t want to make the same kind of circle, I don’t want to start something and let it die because I’m bored, or I’m lost. I want to think 🤔, to either make the commitment that I will be there, or no commitment at all.

I feel like I’m standing at the crossroads, about to turn right but I still have the option to turn left if I want to. I haven’t signed the lease contract, I haven’t signed any investor contract or receive any money, I still can back down at this moment if I want to, because Bliss so far is still mine. I want to make sure that I’m ready for this commitment, at least in the foreseeable future – 5 years. So I did a test asking 5 questions, to find out what I am truly looking for.

1. What do I want? A beautiful home in Hoi an, with sunshine and a dog.
2. What will I get from Hoi An? Peace – the feeling of calmness, the feeling of a smile that automatically curl up at the corner of my lips every single day I drove back and forth from the beach. The feeling of harmony between human and nature.
3. What will I receive from Peace? Fulfilment – My soul will be whole, my heart will be so full of sunshine and joy, there will not be a single day that I will feel like dying because something is missing.
4. What will I achieve from fulfilment? Development – Because my soul is full, I’m no longer running around looking for the missing piece. I can finally start to develop myself, become a better version of myself at a light speed.
5. Finally, what will I get from development? LOVE ❤️ – The last answer surprise me, if you ask me a year ago, will I ever want to trade love for development, I would be reluctant and struggle so much to find the answer. But at this moment, the answer will definitely be yes, Love will trump everything. If we connect the starting point and the last point, we can see that my ultimate destination is a FAMILY, to be able to feel love, and create a loving functional family. It was something that is I have been wishing for my entire life, but never receive it, no matter how hard I work for it, the result is always heart breaking. My original family could never be the kind of family that I wished for. This is where my fear of commitment, my fear of abandonment is stemming from. The unwritten part of my fear of abandonment is from family. My father left me when I was 7 year old, then he left me forever when I was 27 year old. I chose to love man like Camel, whom I know so clear in my heart that will leave me eventually. It’s like a self-written prophecy, I’m not worthy of love, therefore all the people I love always decided to leave me behind all alone in this big world. It’s a contradictory term I know, I didn’t give me a chance to create a family because I value family so much, so much so that it would crush my soul if I dare to love truly and they will leave me. I close my heart, and opened just half of the door to my heart, it was specifically designed for someone to be in and out, not to stay in. That ended about 6 months ago. I’ve changed, I’ve transformed. I’m ready to open for someone to come and stay with me, build a family that we will both love so much, our children would grow up emotionally and physically, a good human with the least amount of trauma unlike their moms and dads.

Now that the goal is clear, the house in Hoi An was just the means. I was looking for peace because I was weak before, I couldn’t find peace within me, so I needed the space to influence on me. I have peace with me now, in my heart, in my home, the peace is in my soul. I no longer need the environment to influence me, I can bring peace with me to influence the environment. I’m stronger and whole.

That was the back story that I wanted to tell you before I’m starting to write about my feelings and emotions.

I was excited to go home. For the first time, I can understand the meaning of the word ” Nhớ nhà”. I miss Choco and Moka, I miss my room where I can sit for hours writing my thoughts, I miss Trinh and anh Khoa who visits me almost every night just to talk. I love the time I spent in Hoi An, but I’m also excited to go home.

Then I get on the plane, a twist start to appear in my stomach, I suddenly wanted to stay longer. I re-questioned again all of my logics above. The plane landed, I went and looked for my luggage, dragging myself out of the airport to the taxi area.

The ride home was tough, my heart sank to the bottom of my tummy, my head hurts, I find it hard to to breath. I was sad, really sad. That ride going home was sad, 😔 , the kind of sadness that makes my heart wanted to skip a beat. It was the kind of heartbreaking, soul crushing kind of sorrow. What happened? Why did I feel sad?

I don’t have a lot of thought in my mind at this moment, but my first guess would be this town is filled with sorrow for me. It’s the place that my father left me, it’s the place that the love of my life leave me. The routine that I always had, sitting on the car going home and calling the one person that’s important to my life to inform that I’m home is no longer applicable. I have no one to call. Period. I know that this is not the end, I still have a few good years ahead to find that someone. But at this moment, right at this moment sitting on a cab, I feel like a failure. I failed me. I did everything else right, the things that every one in the society wished for, yet, they are meaningless to me. The one thing that is so important to me, I’m still right at the start, point zero.

The dreadful drive is long, tiring and hard. Then I got home, my home gave me back the energy I needed. My head is no longer hurt, I needed to be comfortable to sit down. I need to write my thoughts out because it’s important.

I know that my commitment in the next five years to Bliss is the right decision. Why? Because I can make a better impact to the society than staying in Hoi An. I can create much more jobs for the people, they will be treated fairly. I can purchase much more products from the ethical supplier who’s having a hard time selling to other people simply because they don’t know how to run a good business. I can have more consumer tasted the good quality products with real flavor at an affordable price. I can contribute to the agricultural scene of Vietnam, to give it the actual good place that it deserve. I don’t want to “giải cứu” vải or bơ, or sầu riêng, because I can turn them into frozen desserts. I can use my talents to create a better implact and contribution to the society.

But what about me? what about my personal wish?