I thought about writing this post in Vietnamese but I think I don’t have the language capability to develop my idea better. That’s the strangest thing about my brain, I find it extremely hard to write in my own language, I can talk ( not so good ) in my language to express my ideas. But when it comes to writing, English is always my sacred place. Perhaps, it’s because one of the old habit of mine when I wanted to shield myself against everyone around me and buried me so deep in thoughts. I was too afraid that people can enter my world and hurt me, so I must find ways to protect my thoughts. Do you know that I enjoyed so much living abroad, to a strange land where noone can understand my language, it’s so fun living in Thailand because noone can understand my phone call when I’m on the train. I love the privacy of thoughts.

I spent 5 hours with a Covid-positive person, up close and personal. We sat next to each other talks about ideas, we then went on the car together sitting next to each other and continue to talk. I wasn’t feeling well for the past 2 weeks as well, headache is always on the constant background and I’m tired, tired, tired. My head is pounding and I hate that feeling so much. I was almost sure that I had Covid because the differences between Omicron and Delta is headache.

I need to prepare for the worst, what if I turn really sick and lose consciousness? What’s the thing I’m most afraid of? That when I’m not in control of body, somebody (the mother and the sister) will decide that I must live and try really hard to the most extreme measure to make me live. I don’t want it, I want when push comes to shove, I want to go in peace, beautiful and relax. I don’t want to go through pains and suffering to just continue to breath.

1. I must make sure that I sign a DNR form before I admitted to the hospital. That’s what I want, I’m not afraid of living but I’m afraid of living in pain and suffering.
2. What about my home? Well people can throw away all the thing that is there. My maid knows what belongs to me and she has the access, so she can help me arranged it.
3. What about my dogs? Thanh and Thao can take care of them. I have complete trust.
4. What about my shares in Bliss? This is the thing that I’m most concerned with because I must make sure that it does not fall into the mother’s and the sister’s hands. The sister is my competitor, the mother is a hoarder. Together they will make the worst decision for Bliss, just like my father’s wealth, his wealth is dead the minute he’s dead because of the stupidity of The mother. I must make sure that Bliss does not fall onto those hands, to ensure its survival. I need to write a will, I have a lawyer now, so I can talk privately with my lawyer and keep the will. The share in Bliss is the only thing that I possess so it’s not that complicated. I decided to give my shares as the following:
   • 30% of my shares would go to Camel, because without him I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’m forever grateful for the thing that he did.
   • 30% will go to Thanh because she need to be financially independent to take the courage to fly through the sky and say good bye to her parents. She’s like Camel one of those typical Vietnamese kids who’s waiting for their parents to die ( while not wishing for it) to live their independent life.
   • The remaining 40% will divide to the rest of shareholders pro-rata cuz they will continue the work.

I think that is about it when it comes to what left of me. I don’t have the need to leave any legacy back in this world. I’m like a strange human who find living and dying is equally important. I don’t want to be buried and put a stone somewhere to be reminded of me. I don’t want my bones to be forever put in an Urn and stay in the dark home like my father. I want to be completely mixed with the earth, no stone, no nothing to remind of the existence of me. No đám giỗ, no tảo mộ, no name, no nothing. I want to be like a wind that pass by everybody’s life and then vanish, there’s no trace left of me anywhere. I hope it will happen, but if not, it’s fine too. I’m dead anyway so whatever is decided to do for me, it’s not for me, it’s for the living.

Elon Musk – my favorite human – has said that there’s a chance that we are all living in a stimulation, and someone is watching us. I had the same exact thought awhile ago, what if we are living in just a glass house like these ants

Why are we bothering so much about our living and our dying? The fact that I’m talking about my body after death is also a way of controlling the outcome. “I want this to happen” , I’m no different than a person who wanted a huge tomb over looking the ocean for millennium to come.

Bất hạnh is Unfortunate in English, but I felt that the english word cannot translate the depth of meaning in this case. I’m a bất hạnh person, it’s something that I cannot fix. It’s something that I was born with like a genetic fault, something that can’t be undone. I spent almost 30 years trying to fix it, to do my life justice. I deserve a loving mother and a present father, I deserve the happy family where we can talk things till the end of life. That didn’t happen, and that’s okay.

It no longer mattered to me what really happened or why because there’s no such thing. What I realized I was looking at was an enormous collection of stories that no longer had meaning forced upon them; a collision of various points of view, interpretations, and beliefs, and all had at least some validity… But none of them were the truth.

That’s what I thought, then on Saturday, I talked to my friend’s mother – Cô Châu. My friend comes from the same background, some rich kid that is smart and trying figure their life. The difference between me and her is, she has a loving mother and a loving father. She’s a single mom, her daughter is I think probably 7 year old. I couldn’t understand why she kept the baby before, I couldn’t justify her decision because at the time her boyfriend was responsible, he was ready to commit and to bring this life to Earth together. But she didn’t want to do it with him, she said she’s no longer in love with him, so she flew back from London, gave birth and lived with her parents until today. I couldn’t understand or justify her decision at all .. up until last Saturday after talking to her mother.

I know now.

She has loving parents. Her support system was and still is very strong. She has not only financial support but more importantly emotional support. I was also pregnant, my ex-boyfriend was afraid, he cannot handle the situation, he was weaker than me, I cannot lean in him. I can’t also not lean in the mother, not in a million chance, that I would count my mother to support me raising my child. It’s not that she will reject it, but it’s me that doesn’t allow her to have that chance because she will continue to hurt my child like she hurts me. I was alone, completely alone facing my decision. Nah, that was not right, I have Landon, he was there and he promised to raise my child together with me. I trust him. I feel comfortable with the worst case scenario that drawing in my mind: I will be a single mother, raising a child in a beach house, with a knowledgeable housemate who can help me. It doesn’t sound so bad if it’s the worst case scenario. So I calmed myself down.

What doesn’t kill you make you stronger right? I was lucky enough to be strong, something happened during my childhood that shape me into a person with strong will. So I handle my situation the best way possible, I even let the ex-boyfriend tag along through the decision making process. I knew he was weak, and afraid, so I must take the lead. I told him where I will go, what I will do, and when I will do it. I drove to pick him up on the day, the opposite side of town of where I’m heading, so that he can feel not being left out, and he can join me.

I was the bigger person. I always have to be the bigger person. That job is tiring sometimes, you know?

When cô Châu spoke to me on the phone, she told me that:” Cô thì không có hiểu nhiều, nhưng mà cô cũng lớn lắm rồi 70 tuổi rồi, nó muốn làm gì và đầu tư gì thì cô hỗ trợ thôi vì cái này cũng của nó hết chứ cô đâu cần gì.” She spoke it, and she meant it. My mother also said the exact same thing but did the opposite. My mother said: “Phải chi mấy con đủ cứng cáp thì mẹ giao lại hết chứ mẹ đâu có cần gì nhiều” while her hands is typing the thank you message for my 20 million that I accidentally transfer to her account, making sure that there’s no way back for me to retrieve that money back. And I was stupid enough to say yes, please take it. I don’t want to deal with money transferring you know, it hurts me every time I need to make a transfer paying “the interest” to my “very loving” mother. I decided to do it automatically, some algorithm in the banking system will do it for me so that I don’t have to think, to remember, to worry about it.

You know my mother doesn’t know where I live, she doesn’t know my life, she doesn’t ask me how I am during Covid time. I wonder if she’s ever thought about my life at all or perhaps what she’s afraid of is that I will take her money from her. It was always me who took the lead, or nothing. She’s always on the receiving end of love, and never gave anything in return.

The talk with cô Châu was just normal, she asked my some business stuff, I answered her. She told me to teach her daughter because she thinks: “cũng phải tới lúc nó đủ lớn chứ”. I’m pretty sure she’s the typical tiger mother who shadows over her daughter’s life, but she’s also very loving. She wants nothing but the best for her daughter, wholeheartedly.

When I hung up the phone, my heart sank to the bottom of my chest. It stopped beating for a minutes, and the pain comes in. The tingling sensation of pain started on the left of my upper body where my heart located. Then the pain spread through my entire chest, I find it a bit difficult to expand the lungs to breath, it’s almost like my body wanted to shut down. Then tears started appearing through the corner of my eyes, I couldn’t hold it back, it’s just there. I’m still hearing my hearth thumping through the atrium wall, and suddenly my hands doesn’t want to type anymore. There’s a sharp pain that suddenly appears in the throat area, and I’m not sure why. I was forced to face “nỗi bất hạnh lớn nhất của cuộc đời mình”, something that I can not improve. But hang on a minute, we can alter the gene through CRISPR, maybe I can rewrite this chapter of my life too?

This is the most recent photos taken of me about 2 weeks ago.

Remember I told you about my infectious smile? That Phương told me that when the day comes, when I leave this world, what would be left of me? She said that the thing that left of me will be my infectious smile.

I kept wondering about that smile, how come a bất hạnh person like myself can have such a happy smile, a very authentic one. That when I smile, it’s the smile from the heart, the happiness vibrate through others too. Where did I find that source of happiness? Where does it come from, because I’m pretty sure that was not how I was raised. I was raised with criticism, anger, yelling, finger pointing, and tattle tell. So where does this beautiful person with such happy energy comes from, and where is she heading next?

I naturally shine, wherever I go, whatever I do, I shine. I’d like to be invisible, but I can’t help it, I always shine. Where does that source of strength coming from? I want to know and understand it. Perhaps, by understanding about it, I can also find more peace?

I was so sad after the call, I feel so tủi thân, that I could no longer focus on the work. I needed to call someone, I called Phuong, my support system, someone would understand me and feel the pain that I was feeling. Someone who won’t tell me that I need to forget the emotion, someone who won’t tell me the standard phrase: “don’t worry, be happy” , someone who will sit and be with me to watch my pain went through without telling me that my feelings is irrelevant. I felt so lucky to have her in my life, I felt she’s like my soulmate.

I have been sad for the past couple days, and I think the feelings won’t go away soon. What I can do is to watch and observe it, like I am writing about it now. Verbalizing my feeling in a formal writing form helps me think better.

My life has always been a contradictory story. How come an unfortunate person has such an infectious smile. It’s illogical to me because I couldn’t understand where was the model. A child is like a blank page and she will absorb all the information around her to grow up, where does this happiness, talent, sentiment come from?

Normally when I typed these things out, my mind gets clearer but it seems like the more I write, the more I puzzle with the ideas. So I decided to do an emotional log book, my teacher told me to this awhile ago and I thought today is the best time to write about it.

Situation

Saturday afternoon, co Chau called me and wanted to discuss about her investment in Bliss. How do we prove that she will make money once she gave us the money?

Feelings

I felt touched, it’s so nice to hear a loving mother decribe how she cared about her daughter. I felt jealous of her daughter.

Internal voice

How I wish to have a mother like her. Can I have a mother like her please, someone who’s so humble, so loving, so protective but also want her child to be independence. A supportive mother.

I want to get close to her, I want to feel that I have a mother like that too. Perhaps I will call her more often? Mình thương mình quá, cái bất hạnh trong đời của mình lớn quá. Mình thương cái đứa nhỏ là mình từ ngày xưa cho tới bây giờ quá. Mình muốn ôm cái đứa nhỏ vào lòng để nói rằng mình lớn lên cũng ổn rồi nè. Minh buồn quá, tủi thân quá, mình sắp chịu không nổi rồi.

Mình sắp khóc rồi, nước mắt chực trào rồi. Mình phải đi ra khỏi văn phòng thôi, chứ người ta thấy thì kỳ lắm. Mình muốn nói chuyện với ai quá, nói chuyện với 1 người mà mình hiểu là sẽ hiểu được nỗi đau của mình, và sẽ ngồi cạnh mình nhìn cái cơn bão đau đớn này nó đi qua mà không kêu là kệ cái cơn bão đó.

Behavior

I called Phuong. I needed some support, Phuong talked to me for an hour, hear me out. She can understand my pain because that was her pain too. She’s also a child who ran away from her mother across the Earth, just to be far away.

The after-math emotions

I felt sad but the phone call with Phuong make me calm. I appreciate her presence in my life, it’s a blessing that I cannot me more thankful for. I felt thankful, and felt supportive because I have the one friend that I can trust and even though she’s not here with me. She’s right here with me, I’m so glad of it.

It’s something that so hard to come by in this life, having one person that can almost read your mind but also make you a better person. She’s like my other brain but better in ways that I can’t. I still feel sad, but I know that I’m not alone because I have the one friend that I can count on.

Self Evaluation

I’m improving so much. I was able to let my emotions resurface right there and then. I was able to observe it and let it flow through my veins and came out, manifest in my body. I was able to sit through it, and I was also able to find the support that I need. What can I do more? Will this pain ever be healed?