I haven’t been well. Like the kind of really bad not well.

My body is falling apart in the past couple days, well my hair is falling everyday for sure, my head hurts, then my throat hurts then my body hurts, then my tummy hurts. And I can’t smell dog’ shit anymore.

My eyes hurt, I haven’t been able to write anything on this blog because my eyes hurt.

I am sick, badly sick, I’m not so sure it’s Covid because I did a quick test about 4 days ago and it’s okay. I haven’t done a new test again. I need to do a proper test, but what for?

My brain is tired, even typing to this part is tiring, and I feel like I can’t continue. But my thoughts are piling up in my head that it needed to be formed in order to move on to a new thought, otherwise my brain is going to explode.

I wanted to write about Minh today. I don’t think it’s a good thing that I kept writing about my pain because it’s like a black book that I kept open again and again, a kind of self-harm. But I think it’s worth it to write it again here.

Remember I told you that I let my father die, but never let my child die. She keeps on being quite vivid in my dream, sometimes in my thought, and I continue to count her age. Tsk, I wasn’t sure how I can find peace with myself because I don’t know how to be honest.

It was until today, in the midst of low fever, eye-burning, tummy-aching, throat-hurting, I watched an episode of “A Good Doctor”. It was as if I watched a doctor healing other people and then subsequently he will heal me. Long story short, in Season 4, episode 12, Lea got pregnant with Shaun – a talented autistic doctor.

When Lea told Shaun about her pregnancy, Shaun’s immediate reaction was:” Okay, so we are having a baby, I’m gonna be a dad, you’re gonna be a mother. What will we need to do?” . Shaun is a special character, he doesn’t understand social cue, or the implied message. He doesn’t understand that his girlfriend is not so sure about her pregnancy. He went straight in planning because that’s what he supposed to do.

That’s when I aha moment came in. I wrote about Minh quite a lot, about my struggle, about my plan, about how I need to be a bigger person for both me and Camel. I wrote about after I broke the news with Camel and how he reacted so badly, that I refused to talk to him, and then I lost all the respect and trust I have left for him till this day. I wanted to write about something else today, about something that I think will help me let Minh go in peace.

I went back to Hoi An just 2 weeks ago, I drove by my original home and the pharmacy where I bought the pregnancy tests. It’s interesting because after the time I bought the test, I never paid attention to that pharmacy anymore, I drove by it everyday and it never make any impression on my mind. But this time, it did, the place is called “Mỹ An”, and I can almost vividly recalled what happened that early morning at 8 AM. I was driving back home with the tests in my black plastic bag, and telling to myself: ” This is not happening to me! This is not happening to me”. It was as if by saying so, I will be alright, haha ! 😂 . I went back home, slowly drank water, then I went to the bathroom. I dipped the test into the Urine sample.

There were 2 stripes on the tests.

Funny enough, and I’m typing these words out with a smile on my face, my brain stopped functioning at that point. I wasn’t sure that 2 stripes are positive or negative. The tests I bought doesn’t have any instruction. So I went out and Google, what does it mean if I have 2 stripes on my tests. Like I never knew how to read these tests, I read these couple times, and I knew. But at that time, my brain refused to understand the result. It’s so funny. I am so funny. If you are right in front of me, I can tell you with a big huge laugh.

So I went into my bedroom, because it’s still early enough. I called Camel, I never called him because he never called me. But I called him, this is emergency, I called him by Facetime I think, he was sitting at the lounge area in the airport. I was shy, I was giggling because I was shy to tell him that I’m pregnant. I was embarrassed. I wasn’t sad, or scared or confused. I was shy, embarrassed like a little girl caught in wrong doings but she’s fine. She’s cheeky enough to know that if she got caught, it will be alright. I was calm, shy and funny. I was at my best at that moment.

I want to rewrite the history from this point forward, because I don’t want to think about pain anymore.

…………

I will continue this thought tmr, my body battery is at 5% going on 0% anytime soon.