My heart hurts today. The kind of hurt that it sank to the bottom of my stomach and just barely beating on its own. The kind of hurt that I have nowhere to turn to except writing about it.

The kind that I wanted to go back home and be in my bed, to write because there’s nothing else I can do.

I arrived in Hoi An almost a week ago with the mind to relax, reset, think, and plan. I needed this so badly, Saigon was good, but I also needed a good dose of greenery, sun, and beach. I always think better and faster in this environment. There’s a theory about DNA and its origin- your DNA drives you back to where it came from to recharge. I thought that was very true in my case. I could have gone somewhere else, but I felt like I could benefit the most in this town. I feel home whenever my feet touch the ground.

I didn’t have time to do any of the said above for the past week. When I arrived at Hoi An, something else waited for me – a 12-year-old boy with the warmest heart. He’s my distant cousin that I never knew existed. I mean, it’s very, very remote. He’s the son of the daughter of my grandmother’s sister from my father’s side. Let me explain it a little bit better for you to understand: My grandma has a younger sister, her name is Bà Mười. She has a daughter named Thi, cô Thi has three children – 2 boys and a girl. I’m talking about the youngest – they called him Tư.

This little boy, two years ago, witnessed his father hang himself in his very own home. His father is the opposite of any definition of “a good man.” He’s abusive, stingy, materialistic, and crazy. Tư told me when he was alive, and they went out to eat all his father can say is: ” Ăn ít thôi, đừng ăn nhiều để giành tiền mua nhà.” His father is also violent, using his entire feet with shoes on and kicking Tư right in the face when he was just nine years old.

To my surprise, Tư possesses a pure heart. He spoke out his heart all the time, with a twinkle in his eyes. So I told myself I would make his trip to Hoi An fun and enjoyable. I took him to wherever I went, all day, every day. I tried to help whenever I could. Adding more light to this fragile soul, that’s what I thought.

Little did I know, the little boy still suffered from physical abuse and mental abuse to this day. Then, his oldest brother, also a victim of abuse, became the abuser. He was slapped a couple of times a day, yelled at, and hit with a belt. Even writing about it now causes pains in my heart.

Just today, when I took Tư out for the day, he came back and immediately received a slap in the face simply because his brother doesn’t want him to go out ( to have fun). I was there when the slap happened. I mean, I was in the other room. I promised the little boy I would protect him, but I couldn’t. It happened too fast that I didn’t have the time to react. I felt helpless. I could go out and stand head to head with his brother. Boy, I could even punch him in the face. I could answer violence with violence. I could slap him just like he slapped his younger brother. And if he dared to hit me, I would fight, and I know I can fight. Or I could go to the police, report child abuse, I could do many things, but I didn’t. I did nothing.

I told Tư to memorize my phone number, and if something happened to him, if he got kicked out of the house in the middle of the night, call me. I’m available 24/7. All Tư said to me was: không kịp đâu chị, anh Hai đánh em cũng xong rồi, sợ phiền chị đang ngủ, hay đang làm việc thì sao. I told him: vì chị là chị của em, vì chị có thể giúp em, vì khi chị còn nhỏ cũng muốn có 1 người giúp mình như chị có thể giúp em, nên em cứ thuộc số dt của chị và gọi cho chị nha.

But Tư was right. I will always be the late arrival when it has already happened. That’s when I feel helpless. Thought about my father came to my mind. Finally, I began to understand him, he knew I was suffering, but he was also weak in his own way.

Tư will leave to Saigon tomorrow morning, back to his home in Gò Vấp. I wonder what will happen to him.

I want to do more, a lot more. But I know I can’t except write on this blog. My heart filled with sorrow for the little boy and the big boy. They are both victims, and they continue the vicious circle of the abuser and the abused, just like their father.

Some too many kids continue to carry pains over to many generations to come. Kids like Camel, like Thanh, who live their life for their parents, drowning themselves in duty and responsibility. Kids like Euro and Tư, who continue the loop of violence.

I began to understand why the world needed me. Or the world needs me now, why I should be alive and why I should stay alive for many years to come. Because of my infectious smile, I can harness the positivity in the Earth to share with these wounded souls. Như một cơn gió mát giữa trưa hè oi ả, maybe I can’t help them, but at least I can bring smile on their face at some point. I knew I did with Camel, Thanh, and with Tư in the past couple of days. Maybe that’s the reason why I was born into this Earth.