Something is not right, I can feel it in my heart and my gut, but I can’t quite articulate what’s not right. I just know that it’s not right. I am not well.

I feel my heart beating out of its place, I feel that my mind is scattered all over the place, I feel that even my gut is not functioning right. And I’m not sure what’s not right.

I’ve been trying to tamed my whole being for the past week, I mean you name it, I stayed home for couple days. Then I went out for 1 full day, then I also took a day trip to the beach. I even went to the zoo today, but lying down back home in my sofa, I felt unease. So unease that I have to sit up and write about it now.

I felt so uneasy that I wanted to be cease to exist, to escape from this feelings. Or like Hibernating until it’s over, I’m not so sure because the world is turning to chaos that I was feeling the chaotic of the world? Or perhaps Bliss is going into the new phase that I felt extremely uneasy and perhaps afraid? Or my heart is telling me that it’s going into trouble for love?

I don’t know. The only thing I absolutely sure is something is not right and my whole body is telling me, I feel unsafe, I feel alone, I feel insecured, I feel tired, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel tired, I feel anxious, I feel heavy with responsibility. I am scared.

I tried everything I could to calm myself down, but I can’t help for this heavy feeling and aloneness rising up. Tomorrow I even sign up for the horse-riding class, and you wouldn’t know how many times today I have to convince myself to not cancel, to just go and do it like I plan to do.

So I tried the last resort, writing about it. I like my page a lot, because in here I can right whatever I want, I write it as if that noone ever read it, and if someone read it, it’s fine too. I don’t care, because this space, I reserve it for myself. Sometimes I felt like I’m an wind-up doll, turn my key, and I will say exactly what you wanted to hear.

I don’t know what to do about these feelings except writing about it. There’s nothing I’m sure of right now, trying to name my emotions, but I’m very sure that something is not right. My mental state is not in the right place where it’s supposed to be.

I think anxious and scared is the right word to describe my mental state at this moment, and I don’t even know what I’m anxious about.

I need a tight hug really badly at this moment, tonight, right now. Perhaps, it’s time to buy a weighted blanket to help out. I feel that I breath fast and short, I can hear my heartbeat pounding really fast.

This is strange, because the more I write about it, the heavier my breath comes. I can’t even think straight, or continue to write in Vietnamese. My mind is not clear, and this language is the one that I’m comfortable with.

I am not well at all. There’s something not right, and I don’t know what is. I just know that I am not alright.

I’m going to stop writing now and go breath because I can hear me breathing so nervously.