“Daddy, where is the dog going now ?
He’s going home honey
Daddy, why is the chubby dog going home?
Because he’s tired and wants to go home to sleep”
This is the best conversation that I’ve heard today. A perfect end to a very eventful day. The little boy ask his Daddy about Thor getting on my bike, in front of me in loud voice without filtering. I kept thinking, if it was me and a friend I would have asked in lower voice in secret. Why do we do this ? When did we decide to shutdown curiosity.
….
I don’t know why I must start my summary of the year by the most recent event. It just feels like the most suitable thing to do.
The title of this article, The year of .. I’ve been typing between The year of Love , The year of Growth, The Year of Curiosity, The year of Wonders and I couldn’t find the exact one to give the name to 2018. I guess it is the combination of those mysterious things together.
It’s amazing to look back at January last year and see how much you have grown
On January 1st, I spent the day in a hotel room in Da Lat with Linda & Landon binge watch some movie I forgot the name. Making only one resolutions: Bringing back the smile I used to have on those profile picture.
The second day, I decided to end the 3-year-relationship or kind-of-relationship that I have dragged on since month number 1. This was the most important decision that I have made in this year. It has shaken up my whole world.
I remembered the week follow I have mourned for the time that I have lost. First 3 days were tough, then it gets easier. I was the one who wanted to cut it off, it doesn’t mean that I get the satisfaction and happy. I’m still deeply wounded from the separation. 3 weeks after, I travelled for a wedding in Ninh Binh, oh boy, I love that little village so much, probably the single one village that stayed in my mind through times. The sky suddenly becomes bluer, the wind blows through my skins, the sun became so bright. This was the exact feeling that I have from letting go of Marlon. The feeling of Liberation. Lightness. Freedom from Fear. And magically, the smile came straight back in those picture.
I went to therapy, it’s interesting how my therapy started. I first asked for an emergency session, I was just broken up and I felt like I was drilling for some answer that I don’t know of. My question was: Why did I know that it was wrong from the very first moment, yet I was able to dragged on for so long? There simply was no good answer for it. I couldn’t figure out the logical explanation for it. I just could not. My brain was on fire, I was on the witch hunt till find “IT” . Tim told me, when you have a problem, you ran on full speed like a tank smashing on everything till you find it. You just could not wait. And that was exactly what I did, in 1 week, I read 3 books, went to therapy, talked to friends to search for my answers. I did this time, I found the one thing I looked for. I WAS SELF-PITIED. Once I got that figured out, I moved on completely, exactly one week since Jan 2nd.
My therapy didn’t end there, I continued to have 6 more sessions to learn to speak to myself, more importantly to listen to my inner wisdom. To stop myself from arguing with the subconsciousness. I cannot kept on debating and then always find myself on the losing tail with myself. I do not want to say: ” I knew it was wrong, but I went on anyway” .
Lesson Number One: To learn to listen to yourself, and stop arguing with your inner wisdom.
I made new friends, I reconnected with old friends. I now have T, P and H to talk to about how sophisticated this life is. They are somebody who can actually talk and develop ideas with rather than those normal dead ends I found when talking with people. Not to say that I’m smarter than anyone, it’s more like I’m not afraid of being stupid and I need those who is similar to me. I love the fact that ideas are being bounced back and forth until it sharpen into some shape and form that I can keep in my drawer.
On happiness, I found Nietzsche have made the best statement:
Why must I do to be happy? That I know not.
Nietzsche
The secret ingredient of happiness is to risk losing it. Flower is beautiful because flower blooms and die, fake flower no matter how beautiful or how real it is, will never be as beautiful. True, lasting happiness or satisfaction in the absence of change is a myth, a moving target. Once achieved, we must move on to the next one to maintain happiness. To move on, we must change. Change is uncomfortable. Thus, the paradox of happiness.
Change: it’s scary, and it’s unknown. Walking into the unknown is scary. But I also know that is when I evolve, at least I’m not plateauing or getting stuck
I desire change, almost to the level of addictions. I’m addicted to change. There I said it, I’m an addict. I’m afraid of being the same or being boring. I must keep on moving, I must keep on doing. But why ? That I know not. Yet I crave for stability. Almost like a fantasy, a boring fantasy that I would like my life to be arranged, and I will just follow. Someone to choose the school for me, the job for me, the husband for me. Thus, the paradox of Mai.
I came up with 2 theories:
It’s like I flew to this planet on an exploratory mission, and the Earth blew up behind me, and I can’t go back! And now I’m here with you aliens! Except I’m the alien. I’m all alone, and I have nothing, and noone wants me
Sometimes I feel like I’m an injured soul. Someone who feel like she doesn’t have a place in the world as we know it, someone from the outside. So she has to try so hard again and again to try fitting in somehow
I’d like the alien one better because it’s much more fun. The other one is too dark of a theory.
On regrets, I still cannot find any regrets this year. Something I wish that I didn’t do or could have done better. I always stick to my saying: If I have a chance to do it again, I will do exactly what I did.
Probably, I could do things better but somewhere on the cosmic highway, my twisted mind always find a reason to cover up for the bad things I’ve done. And then self-hypnotizing myself into thinking that I did nothing wrong.
On courage, I was brave enough this year to actually did the thing that I have always wanted to since I was 21. Have a place of my own. I also got a dog, his name is Thor. He keeps me company in the town that I love dearly. I have learned for a very long time, that we are basically alone in this world. Or it was just me, I’m so used to being alone that I know nothing else. I know that tomorrow if the sky is falling down it will be just me and myself. Like always, and that’s okay. I have Tho(r).
On love, this I’d like to keep to myself.
As the new year have already started, I was just thinking:
Can’t we learn?
Can’t we be brave?
Can’t we believe?
Maybe that’s all we need: A little courage, a little hope, a little belief. Maybe there are no boundaries if we choose to not see them. Maybe love is unlimited if we are just brave enough to decide love is limitless. Maybe there’s enough love for everyone.
Or maybe … give me a minute .. I will think of something ..
