Yesterday, I opened the Pandora Box of Sadness. My Pandora Box full of sadness that I hid very very carefully in the corner of my heart. I closed the box, put on a smile, and moved on with my life.

Yet, I know the Pandora Box exist. It’s like a small wound that never healed probably so it will hurt from time to time. In the spirit of New Year and Change, I’ve made the decision to take it out from the corner of my soul and face it.

Yesterday is the saddest that I have been ever since Dad passed away, the kind of deeply deep sad that it took years of smile to cover upon. As soon as I started talking about it, I cried. Unstoppable ! It’s like I can no longer in control of my very own self.

I cried myself to sleep and wake up finding myself crying again. I stayed in bed almost all day today just to recover.

Yesterday, the Pandora Box overwhelmed me. I did my best to make all the amends possible. Yet, some is out of my control

I was almost never sad, sadness and me don’t go together. I’m this happy cheery always smiling one. So when I have to face sadness in its true form, I was defeated completely. I forgot how sadness look like, so the monster beats the shit out of me.

I forgot how sadness can make me so tired and so out of shape.

I forgot how sadness can also elevate other feelings. ie : Loneliness

I feel lonely in my own home, I feel lonely in the presence of people around me. I’m this odd person who just kinda do things on her own which nobody could understand, for better or for worse, it’s just me and myself. I’m used to it, I can do it, doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad about it.

Some of the thing still stay in the Pandora Box, some I took out and fix it. I guess for now, the Box need to go back to where I hide it before.

I was gonna say I’m gonna be fine, if not today, tomorrow. But truth is I’m not fine, fine is a lazy word, I’d say fine because then I don’t have to do anything or saying anything about it. But I know that I need to do something, to get me out of this. That something, I do not know yet.

For now, I’m still in my bed composing this post hoping that by verbalizing my feelings, I can be able to help me somehow.