Concentration camp – Day 6
I’m going insane really soon
Or maybe now I’m already insane. I don’t know. Are ppl who’s crazy realize they are crazy ?
Today is Day 6 in concentration camp. It is a prison. I haven’t stepped out of level 4 and reach to the ground in 6 days, and will be another 8 days ( if I’m lucky) till I can touch the ground. I am going crazy every minute. There are times I just want to vanish, disappear, vaporize into thin air and just like that, like I never existed.
The ppl in my room is constantly on the phone, talking. The noise bug me so much. My noise cancelling earphone cannot filter out the noise, and I can’t be on headphone all day long. I don’t have a private space, I need a private space. I want to be alone. I want to be in a quiet room and just be. The condition in this place is very basic, probably the most basic I’ve ever been since 5 year old. The bed hurts, I can’t sleep most night, well I woke up every 2-3 hours.
When I express my distress to the ppl who’s close to me, most of them are using collectivist thinking onto me. I guess that’s how Vietnamese are, being born and raised in collectivism culture, that’s how they know it.
“ Thousands of ppl have done it, so you can do it”
“ Everybody is suffering the same, so you can’t complain”
“ Ai cũng ở vậy được thì mình cũng làm được”
“ Sinh viên người ta ở vậy là bình thường, tại sao mình ko làm được”
So what if I can’t do it, I’m not part of the crowd nor I want to be part of the crowd. Whenever I hear such sentences, though I responded like normal, but in my mind there’s an explosion going on. I don’t want to hear about this anymore. Please don’t ever use collectivism onto me, please don’t use “ lý thuyết đám đông” onto me. It simply doesn’t work, worse, it creates the opposite effects. I triggers the rage and anger inside me. It makes my situation worse. So I halts all the conversation together, and complain on my blog instead.
“Snobs unites forces “
In these times, I just want to talk to ppl who can understand, and share my feelings. The most touching sentences that calm me down is:
“I know you are suffering”
I guess that’s all I need, somebody to listen, somebody to feel what I was feeling. Hollow encouragement doesn’t really work.
Funny enough, it’s all of my snob friends who can understand me. But understanding also has a limit, it’s me who’s suffering and going through this very very very very difficult time, probably the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my entire life. I was thinking about the basic conditions I had when I was trekking, how did I do it, but it’s the entire different thing, staying at the basic place, or camping is a reward. This is a punishment, a prison, a torture.
I’m rambling, not sure rambling helps, but I feel like I need to.