I’m going to Ha Noi tomorrow, I was supposed to leave at 8AM tomorrow morning. But as I said in the previous post, I don’t like to spend so much time in Ha Noi, I changed it back to the evening tomorrow. Because our stocks won’t come until Tuesday morning.

I feel like I wasn’t give a fair view for Ha Noi last night. I feel like I was bad-mouth a somewhat beautiful city at some point. I want to know why I have such a bad image of this city, so I dig real hard into my brain. Why, how and what makes me has such a bad opinion? I’ve been to many cities, I’ve been cheated quite a lot. Yet in each and every city on Earth that I’ve been to, I have something there that I like.

I think it’s all started with my Dad. My first visit to Ha Noi was when I was 16 year old, I went to visit Thuy. I was really excited, I had no prejudice. I had friends, and I like to be with them. On that trip, my Dad told me very clearly: “ Con phải hết sức cẩn thận nha con. Con đi ra đường đừng có mở miệng ra nói gì hết, con hãy để bạn con nói hết. Con đừng đi đâu 1 mình, con cũng đừng hỏi, đừng đụng vào đồ gì hết. Con đừng mua gì cho ba, ba không cần gì hết” .

You have to understand, my Dad, who let me fly across the Earth to America ALONE, then the next year, bringing my sister with me. A 15 year old child, with a 12 year old child, flew alone by themselves. Back then the flight was about 33 hours total, 3 transit stations. And he had no worry, he trusted me completely with his younger daughter too. Yet, it’s the same Dad, a year later, when I said I’m going to Ha Noi, he told me to be extra careful. It was as if I’m going to war or something. He vouched that he will never step foot to the North as well.

Do you see the irrationality of it? He can trust me to go to America, with my 2nd language, though I can speak quite fluent at that time, but it’s fucking America. But trust noone in the North. I think this stems from his lost childhood. He lost his home, lost his childhood, move to Saigon because of “the north”. He lost his dream, studying at the most prestigious business school in Saigon because of “the North”.

I started with no prejudice, and overtime, I think I was influenced by him. There was a time I went to Ha Noi every week, I mean literally every week. I has quite a lot of business in Ha Noi, and through those business experience, through a lot of colorful language and experience. My prejudice which was injected by my father, set and stone in my heart.

I love Ha Noi food, I really do. Well, most of it, but I really love it. Recently I found a shop that cooked really nice Ha Noi food, I ordered from her quite a lot. One day she was asking me, are you a Ha Noi girl? And I said, no, I just like the food. She said oh, that’s why you were asking me: Bánh Trôi , bánh chay là gì. By the way, I like chè trôi nước so much better than this.

With the people from Ha Noi, I also love them. Most of my friends are childhood friend that stucks together until now. When we met, it’s like there’s no time apart between us. I had a boyfriend who’s an Hanoian. So I don’t have a problem with the people too.

I don’t have problem with the food, I don’t have problem with the people I know. Yet, I’m so afraid. It doesn’t make any sense. This fear is really strong, so strong that when Camel said he had a plan to go back to Ha Noi in 5 or 10 years to take care of his parents. He’s only staying in Saigon because he hasn’t reached his most potential yet. I heard him, and I really admired his sense of duty and responsibility ( because I don’t have it at all). But something else emerged: FEAR.

I went straight back to him and said: I‘m not sure about anything in this world, but one thing I’m pretty sure is that in the future of 5 or 10 year. I won’t be there.

I used such strong and firm language, somewhat extremely cruel, insensitive and so much disrespectful. This was 100% fear speaking. I usually am a person who cannot speak my mind, because I afraid I will hurt others. Yet, once triggered, fear switched me to a different person. A hot headed, ready to fight and killed anyone on the road.

I think what I truly meant was: ” I’m scared. I’m afraid I cannot survive in Ha Noi. I cannot work with aggressive people, and with my experience, you have to be aggressive to get things done in Ha Noi. I think I will be sad, I think I will feel helpless. I think I cannot live in a city with bad weather, I cannot bare the coldness, I’d like to live somewhere warm, summer all year round. I know it in my heart that, even though I can fit it, I know I can. But I won’t be happy. I’m also scared of living with the in laws, or next to them. I cannot live with my mother, I’m afraid of mothers and fathers altogether. I will be really sad everyday. I won’t be looking forward to go home everyday. I won’t have a home till the rest of my days. It will always be someone else home, and that’s really sad. I will have no reason to live on Earth.

You see, that’s what my mind and the prejudice has painted. It went that far, really far without any communication. Camel just presented his plan, and I was so afraid, was so fearful that I shut it down in the most powerful way I know.

It was also because of expectations, I expect him to understand me. To know that I won’t be able to survive nor agree with. And he expect me to understand him, that this is a really important task for him, something in his checklist wayyyy before he met me.

It seems like my topic of the day derailed again. I’m still not looking forward to go to ha Noi tomorrow, but I will do my job. I’m looking forward to be back home again, and sitting in my chair again.