I have been quite exhausted in the past couple days that I couldn’t find the time to blog what’s happening inside my mind. It’s either my mind has been exhausted, therefore my body is exhausted, or the other way around, my body has been very exhausted. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t join the last class of the series of photography class, it was as if the battery in my body hasn’t been recharged and running the last 10%. It felt like 10% go to 0% then to 10% then to 0%. I didn’t have the energy to do much.

My teacher told me that I’m not a Narcissist according the my previous post. He said that Narcissist doesn’t think or reflect like I did, they just exploited others thinking they were doing the right thing. I think he’s right, I might not be an entire narcissist, but at a certain time, I have displayed narcissistic behaviors that are arrogant and self-centered. Or the better way to describe is dictatorship, I want everything to go my way.

I have been observing my mind and my body in the past week. I think it’s very tired from the “Civil War”. Here’s the stage that it has gone through in the past week:

I saw it go from
1. Determined
2. Trying to accept
3. Denial
4. Hallucinate
5. Confused

It’s like every morning, I have a theme of the day. I think my body and my mind are going through a withdrawal symptoms. To be exact, the withdrawal of oxytocin in my brain. For a long time, one of the main source of oxytocin is coming from the connection with this special person. Now that’s almost gone, I’m going through a series of hallucination, sometimes trying to grasp what’s gone.

I think one of the reason why I am the way I am is because I’m a hopeless romantic. Or in a philosophical way – Romantic Positivist. Surrounded by the agony of love, I was plagued by the idea: Why can’t we love everybody. I believe with enough knowledge and therapy, love can be less painful. I believe with due work comes due rewards.

Understanding this, I decided to go for a walk, somewhere with sunshine and greenery, I couldn’t run because I’m still pretty much exhausted. The walk helps quite a bit. I seems to find my mind and my body in a better place. I can be able to focus on what’s going to happen next with my studio.

At the end of the day, we all have to live our lives in order for us to be content and secured. No one can fill that holes but ourselves.

I found a list of words that can describe feelings, as below. I am actually in the position that I can’t be able to express myself because of the lack of words. However, this chart makes me realize that emotions are socially constructed concepts.

Inability to express emotions are one of the unique characteristics of humans. An angry dog will bark and bite at each other. Each and every emotions is processed right there at that moment. Human, on the other hand, buried emotions deep inside the heart, sometimes so deep that it was lost. The body though doesn’t forget, certain twig in the fingers, or explosive angers follow us through until the feelings are processed.

The Camel, with its heavy luggage cannot travel unless the baggage are shaken off.