I wasn’t feeling well today. Well, I feel awful today. I woke up feeling half of my body was in pain. My left side was hurting from the waist up to my forehead. I couldn’t find the energy to exercise. My Yoga teacher came, and I couldn’t do it at all. I was so tired, exhausted, and hurt. I don’t know exactly what happened, but it felt so wrong. I went for a treatment, trying to revive my nerve, so I felt a little bit better when I got home but still, it was so awful.
I have been having these episodes of terrible dreams, and I often woke up really tired. Something is wrong in my mind that I can’t articulate what is.
I spent the whole day indoors today, trying to regain my energy. It’s awful. I do not have a healthy body. I’m so inconsistent that even I’m so sick of myself. I can’t be suffering like this all the time, this has been happening to me like once a week, and it’s so tiring. So I tried everything I could, I mean, drinking Chinese herbal tea ( yes, I drank Chinese herbal medicine every day – you know, the Thuốc bắc). Maybe I need to be more patient to try to gain the balance back up again.
Well, enough about that, where was I?
I just spent the last hour re-read my post earlier this year, one in January and one in February. I completely forgot about these thoughts. It’s incredible. The ideas you thought once were yours now sound new to you.
In these two blog posts, the particular topic revolving around my fear and resentment toward my mother and how can I get rid of it to go toward my final destination – building a loving family that I always wanted but never had the chance to experience.
Little did I know, six months later, here I am writing the declaration of freedom.
I am free
I am free like the stars and the heavens that make me be
I am free like the blackness of night that makes me see
I am free like the words that swim to become poems
I am free like those people who learn to love and live in homes.
I am free
I am free to live and love again
I am free like when winds touch the seas to create waves
I am free to write and think
I am free to think about thinking
I am free just to be who I am.
and who I am is not as free as I want to be.
That era when FEAR rules my world has finally come to an end, peacefully. It wasn’t my mother, you know. She was just the representation of the fear within me. I was me and myself all along, now that I understand more about it. I feel bad for my mother. It wasn’t her that I was afraid of. She has no power over me, and it was the monster that I created in my head.
It was fascinating to me yesterday that the first thing I wanted to write about after such a long time is to write about the children. Why did my mind choose to mention that?
I was thinking about that whole day until now, reading my blog post. I long for the family I want and will have. Finally, finally, I’ve grown up inside out to be able to claim mothership. I was never ready before.
In a way, I’m very disciplined, aren’t I?
Recently, I’ve been experiencing a different kind of discipline. First, we have to understand what discipline means Discipline: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. ( Oxford Dictionary)
In other words, discipline means a set of rules, which means it’s evident and descriptive. So, for example, I will earn 2.5 million dollars by the age of 40 by saving 80% of my monthly earnings.
That’s the most popular way of thinking about discipline in the modern world. I’ve realized that if I’m interested, I’m the most disciplined person in the world, but it isn’t bound by numbers, facts, and figures. Take a look at my Clifton strength finder test, particularly number 34. You know what that means – my weakest spot in the discipline. If you are interested in ready my full report, it’s here in this link . ( I’m a thinker, by the way)
My life has been driven by only one theme: ” Personal development,” which means I frequently identify parts of my life that I want to change for the better. I always seek to upgrade things because each and every time I turn around a situation, I feel renewed mentally, physically, and emotionally.
In that sense, I’m the most disciplined person out there because my mind hasn’t stopped thinking about upgrading myself, even just for a second. Have I told you about my music project?
This year, I decided that I’m going to take music as a new language that I should learn. So I deserved its folder in my notebook. I started with the flute, then the harp, and I’m going to add singing next month. Little did I know, music fills my world with endless possibilities. There are days that I went home burnt out, and the flute revived me just in 5 minutes. Better than any type of therapy that I’ve tried before. Therefore, I decided that music would play an essential part of my life ( right now, it’s taken up all of my free time. I start my day with music and end it with music). Remember I told you about my story with music? Have I told you about my relationship with music? Why did I stop studying music 15 years ago? It’s because my teacher said to me that I’m at the level that skills are no longer enough. I need to pour my heart into the song. I need to feel the music. My teacher is a very strict, old school teacher, and he wouldn’t let me pass. It was Sonate a la Lune, and I could not pass for one full year though I made everything right. That’s when I stopped practicing music altogether because I could not feel the music ( https://chuyencuamai.com/2022/02/hoi-an-8-2-202/)
Well, I can’t live without music now. I haven’t written so much on this blog because I found another way to express myself. If I had to choose between writing and playing flute, I’d probably choose to play flute because it’s so accessible. Plus, I’m getting better at it, so I enjoy playing it more and more. So I can’t pass a day without picking up the flute or the harp. That’s how much I was into music these days.
You are probably confused about what the title means or related to whatever I wrote here. To be honest with you, I didn’t know too. I just kind of let my mind decide what to write. But I think I also start to get the gist of it. I will explain to you tmr 🙂
Sweet dreams 😀