I am a hopeless romantic. Well, that sounds a bit negative.

Let me say it again. I am an idealist, a romantic positivist. I have an idea that a relationship no matter how old they get, how long they are, it would feel profoundly gratifying when the 2 are together.

I recently stumbled upon an article : “What relationship should really be about? ” in which the author layout the 3 essential things about relationship:

Kindness: a partner who is gentle with our imperfections and can good-humouredly tolerate us as we are.

Shared vulnerability: someone with whom we can be open about our anxieties, worries and the problems that throw us off balance: someone we don’t have to put on a good front for; someone around whom we can be weak, vulnerable and honest – and who will be the same around us. 

Understanding: someone who is interested in, and can make sense of, certain obscure features of our minds: our obsessions, preoccupations and ways of seeing the world. And whom we are excited to understand in turn.

I simply called it Home. A relationship is an interaction where someone in whom I find Home, and who will find Home in me. I think when we possess 3 of the important thing above, whatever differences will be crop up just fine.

The ideal love for me is not something very conventional. I’m not looking for the total mergers of two lives. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to sustain a long term relationship.

I personally think that the societal definition of a relationship is totally outdated, whereas the 2 partners have to switch to what I called :” Same everything” , we have to eat the same meals every night, share the same bed, go to sleep and get up at the same time, regularly see each others’ families, have all their friends in common – and pretty much think the same thoughts on every topic at every moment. This concepts might have worked about 100 years ago where each partner is tasked with a specific sets of duties, Men work and make all money, women take care of family. The society has changed, unfortunately, not in favor for female in particular Asian Female. Men continue to do the same task – Work and make money, women are now charged with the both task – Work to make money and take care of family – housework, cooking .. etc.

I like to cook, that’s my joy, I can cook wholeheartedly happily. In a home, I’m happy to be the one who contribute to this job. However, when it’s becoming a task / a duty / a representation of unfairness, I react quite badly. In my grandma house, women are not allowed to go in the front while grandpa is making a ceremony. When I realized all of my male cousins come very late just to eat, I joined them. I am an equal, and I have the same rights just as much as all of my cousins. Looking back, choosing to help cooking is actually my joy, I enjoyed helping and learning from all the aunties. If I was able to left my ego at home, I would have still help out, not because I was supposed to but because I want to.

The same goes with relationship, I’d like to have a partner, and I’d like to have a loving relationship because I want to and I need to, not because I have to. I am learning to leave my ego at home, and I think there are a few moments I was able to. It’s a learning path, and I’m trying everyday.

To sum up this note, I would like to borrow the author’s idea. I think it perfectly portraits what I have in mind for an ideal loving relationship

We might not socialize much together. We might hardly ever encounter each other’s families. Our finances might overlap only at a few points. We could be living in different places and only meet up twice a week. Conceivably we might not ask too many questions about each other’s sex life. But when we would be together it would be profoundly gratifying, because we would be in the presence of someone who knew how to be kind, vulnerable and understanding.