I’ve not been writing for 2 days because I’ve dived in book number 7 of Harry Potter. This is the first time I’ve ever read this book since the fact that I totally refuse Dumbledore and Sirius death. It’s just as similar as I refuse the death of my father.

I mentioned 2 blogs ago that I had a dreadful dream about visiting my father’s place after he’s dead. I reckon it’s such an important dream because this is the first time after 5 year he has passed that he appeared to be dead in my dream. I told you before that before he actually passed away, I often dreamed about his funeral, I guess it’s a reminder of how important he is to me in this world. But after he passed away, I always dream of him alive, lively, talking and walking and interacting with me.

Last Monday was the first time ever that I acknowledge his death in my dream. It’s painful, dreadful, my chest was crushed with pain when I woke up and I find it so difficult to breath as if I was gasping for air. The more I dived into book number 7, the clearer my head became. The definition of death is very vivid in me. I guess it’s not a coincidence that book number 7 title is “Harry Potter and the deathly hallows”, the Deathly Hallows are actually 3 gifts that Death awarded the 3 brothers that was able to cheat death. I would not go into the details, you can read more about it in here.

Since Monday, what I have been doing is to wait for the time to go home and sit at home and then read all I can, as much as I can till I cannot open my eyes anymore. I finally finished the book this morning. Book number 7 is filled with sadness, death, and I cannot tell you how many times I cried while reading or listening to the book. This morning, my tears kept falling, I seems to feel the pain when somebody is lost in the book. I was thinking to myself this morning, while reading and crying, the scene must be so funny. A grown woman reading a children book and cry her eyes out.

You know that’s the thing I don’t like to read sad book, because I actually feel the sadness, the pain and it will stick with me for a couple days until the emotion is processed.

I’m glad I was finally be able to finished this book after all this time. I am now old enough, and wise enough ( I hope ) to understand the depth of the book. The power of love that Voldermort could never understand because his eyes was filled with greed, his soul was full of hatred. I thought about my ex-mother, and I feel so sad for her, because she – like Voldermort, doesn’t understand the power of love. She also has her eyes filled with greed, and her soul full of hatred.

16 years ago, I was not ready to let Dumbledore go, but now I am. Just as much as I’m ready to let my father go. Dumbledore – the greatest wizard of all time also has remorse, regrets, and faults , my father is the same. I’m glad that I’m his daughter, but I’m able to let go of his illusions. You know, the greatest father of all time. I think I told you, at best, my father is a good provider, but he was never a father.

I had an image this morning while resting after my yoga session, in the corner of my heart there’s a really sad child sitting alone arms cover the knee with the face down. She was sitting deep into the back corner of my heart, sad and lonely. I came to comfort her and tell her that she’s not alone, I’m old enough now and I can help she doesn’t have to be alone.

Speaking of loneliness, yesterday, after presenting my plans to the capital venture, talking to the landlord, I feel my stomach rumble. I think something is wrong, or something that I cannot control because now I’m just waiting for answers. I opened the door of my house, and for the first time after a year living in this house, I wholeheartedly understand loneliness.

I’m alone, I’m worried, I have no one to share my news, I feel uneasy, I feel like I’m in a boat in the middle of the sea all alone. This feeling of loneliness, it’s dark, cold and taste bitter. This feeling of loneliness it smells like the smell of cold river running from the melted ice in Mongolia. This feeling of loneliness, it’s not a good feeling you know. It’s a mere realization from that fact that I am truly alone in this world. It hurts my heart to say this, I feel a sharp pain in my chest as I was typing these words down.

I know that I have a long life ahead, and this stage of loneliness is something that I have to go through and have to learn as part of my personal development. But I have to say, it’s painful, poignant and really hurt.

I know that I still have a big mission ahead of me, a mission that actually only benefit me. It’s a mission to find the love that I deserve, the family that I want to embrace. Love is the value that I hold dearly, yet I have no one to love, and no one love me in return.

I found myself at the moment of waking up this week 2 out of 5 days thought about Camel. There was one day that the message was even clear, it said: ” I just want to say I miss you a lot”. I thought that I’m moving on from this already, but I’m still stuck in between holding on and moving on. There’s a fundamental different in our values, that I think it’s a dead end. But my heart seems to think differently that I am.

We shall continue this topic in another day.