I went to bed at 11:00 PM last night and then woke up at 1:00 AM. I haven’t been waking up in the middle of the night like this for a long while. I twist and turn then eventually take a Mimosa – a herbal sleeping pill to ease myself into sleep. I have never taken a sleeping pills in the middle of the night like this, somehow I make the decision to do so. I think it was because I’m exhausted, and I needed my sleep so much. I did fall asleep for a good 4 hours, woke up at 7 AM, and then fall back asleep again at 8 AM till 9:30.

I had a really strange dream, the feeling inside the dream and when I woke up was hard to describe. The word is: bất lực, sợ hãi, buồn, thú vị. Here goes my dream:

I’m pregnant again. The second time, and I’m sure it’s Camel’s child. I was in the little apartment again, it’s a strange house, somewhere I haven’t visited, somewhere not real. But it’s a space I created in my head, some of my dream has happened in that apartment. It’s a simple apartment in a 3-storey buildings. Bạn có biết những toà nhà cổ ở Mỹ, hoặc ở Châu Âu ko, những condo ngày xưa mà mình cần phải đi thang bộ đó. Căn nhà của mình là ở nơi như thế. Mình và Anh đã lâu rồi không gặp nhau, vậy mà mình lại có thai. It’s strange, and I don’t know how to explain to him. I was sitting in my living room and them try to find logic in my story. I was talking to Anh on the phone and said:

Anh à, chắc có lẽ câu chuyện sọ dừa là hợp lý nhất trong tình huống này. Lần trước, mình đã từng đùa với nhau như vậy, mà chắc lần này là sự thật anh ạ. Từ khi mình không còn ăn ở với nhau, em chưa hề ở với 1 ai khác hết. Em đi hẹn hò được đúng có 1 lần, hôn được đúng 1 nụ hôn, rồi nó nhạt phèo, em chẳng thèm đi hay nói chuyện hay làm bất cứ điều gì khác nữa. Nên em có thể khẳng định là đứa con ở trong người của em là của anh, hoặc là của một trái sọ dừa nào đó. Em biết là khó tin lắm, mà em cũng không biết phải giải thích sao. Em muốn nói cho anh biết thôi, chứ không phải em nói rằng bây giờ mình phải quen nhau, anh phải cùng em chăm sóc đứa trẻ này. Em có thể làm được, em chỉ là muốn cho anh biết thôi.

Then I opened my eyes. This dream is almost like a lucid dream, the conversation that I’m making is the me actually telling the truth. I was interacting with the dream. And I’m telling the truth. It is true that I haven’t seen anyone, it’s true that I went on one date, kiss one good night kiss and then I never went on any date again.

I don’t know why, how and what happened to me, but for some reason, I’m still so deeply committed to this “non-relationship”. It’s so much that I found no interest in talking to anyone, nor crave any physical touch of anyone but Camel’s.

My feeling is that this dream gives me a hint. I’ve never let go of our child. 🧒 , I have written about him/her sometimes, and all the time it was about I’m not asking for any support. I know I can do it, me and my child will be very happy together. But this bond, as soon as I’m pregnant, it’s like I’m signing into an unbreakable vow.

This Unbreakable Vow said that I’m forever in love with Camel. That probably, I will never find interest in other man but him.

My dream was in Vietnamese, and above is the exact word that I was communicating with my unconscious. It seems like I’m still trying to make this vow, and prove that I’m honoring this vow.

However, I woke up feeling sad and tired. 😓 . This feeling follows me right now while I’m writing this blog post.

I re-read some of the post I write before, it was so full of love, and much more ,love . And I can still feel the love vibrate onto me.

I guess, I am still very much in love with Camel. The child we had, the secret we shared is still very very much alive inside me. It was as if she never left me.