Sài Gòn is so cold today, so very cold that I have to wear a jacket all day long. One of my New Year resolution is to make a habit of writing at least once a day to clear my mind out of thought.

The past 2 weeks were really crazy, I have been working from 5 AM to 10 PM everyday for 1 week straight and it’s killing the me inside out. I mean it’s actually hard/heavy work from carrying stuff and moving stuff around. I can now understand my Daddy how he can only go home at the late afternoon on the last day of the year. It’s just simply because I have to be the last one to close off. As simple as that. We were working from 40 orders per day straight to 170 order the last day at peak. It was tremendous work for all of us. As the owner, I need to fill in the gap that I have to start the earliest and end the latest in order to fulfill all the orders.

We finally finish at 7 PM on Tet’s Eve. I originally want to go to Hoi An. That little piece of land brought onto me a lot of human connection that I crave, and I know that I can find love there. The last time I was there was with Camel, and the love was so calm, so easy, as if there’s nothing else on this world matter.

I miss Camel, .. a lot .. I have been pondering on this idea quite sometimes. This is the first time something like this happen to me, that I kept on thinking about the one person.

Last month I was too busy, so busy that there was one moment I told Thao, I’m bleeding and I don’t have the time to actually put on the Tampon. I’m bleeding real bad, yet I’m running around like a maniac. Everything is so rush, so hectic and so stressful. Yet Camel was always on my mind. Is it the kind of love that sticks around no matter what? Does it mean that the love I have for him is deeply engraved in my heart that it’s impossible to forget. Whenever I find a moment to breath, Camel was always on my mind. There are moment I just want to call him, not to complain how tired I am, nor to look for comfort. I just want to call him to say hi, and maybe laugh about something like that fact that I cannot find time to put on my Tampon.

After couple weeks of over work, I totally crashed down. I mean literally crashed down, I slept and slept and slept. No matter how hard I want to stay awake, my eyes are just closing on me. I have a theory about this condition of mine, perhaps, I miss my child. Around this time, is the time I let go of my child to pursue my personal dream. Around this time, I was bleeding and recovering. Around this time, I was staying in Vung Tau for one whole week to breath some air. I think I’m still mourning for the loss of my child. There are times I was thinking, if Minh was let to be developed she’d be around almost 1.5 year old now. What will my life be like at that point?

There are times at night, I would like to trade the world just to have Camel snuggle and watch a movie that I’m too scared to watch alone like “Unsolved mysteries” . Then flash of memory came back when we were walking in KL and looking for a Gin bar for my “Gin bar” idea and I was so scared, and I can vividly remember him saying: ” không có gì phải sợ, có anh ở đây, đừng sợ nhé em 🙂 “.

See, I seem to be still so deeply in love with Camel. I’m lonely, yet I found absolutely no interest to go out and find love because my heart seem to be possessed by the one man. I cannot find any logic to explain this behavior of mine, my heart seem to take the lead and there’s no way that I can fight back.

I’ll leave this note for now because I’m stuck.