I have been being on edge for the past couple days. Even a simple promise to write everyday is hard to keep up with. I promise to write about Camel but I still hasn’t written about it. I was thinking in my head: “Am I avoiding that topic? Am I busy or being too lazy or it’s just simply I’m running away from the fact? ”
I just got home from another working day. I got home at 9 PM and was craving for Congee, usually I’d pick up from 7/11 store downstairs but there’s none left so I ended up cooking my own 🙂 . It’s 65 more minutes to finish this congee, so I figure I will have 65 minutes to write down whatever is on my mind.
You know that I haven’t been well for awhile right? I was running a low fever for the past couple days, but I’m working like there’s no tomorrow. During the holiday, the kitchen closed because I want everyone to have a rest, then I ended up having to do it all by myself. I need to produce a batch of yoghurt because we ran out. Oh, because of the sale in Ha Noi, I got salary this month 😀 . My expense every month is 15 million interest to my Mom and 15 million rent, my salary cover that which means I’m still living here and there form my last source of money, the store hasn’t really paid me enough to live.
Have I told you that we launched pretty well in Ha Noi? It’s been 2 weeks, and I sold 1000 pints of ice cream and about 2000 jars of yoghurt. You know, sometimes I cannot even imagine in my head all these numbers. These numbers is nothing compared to the number running through my store, like for example, I calculated that last month we used a total of 2400 liters of milk. I still cannot imagine how big and how large it is, it’s just simply crazy.
My congee is still not finished, and I seem to just out of idea of what to write next in this blog post. Oh I want to join a university to study for a degree in psychology, or anthropology or philosophy. You know the thing that will make my brain goes on fire, oh I’m so excited. At each stage in life, I tend to really enjoy studying the thing I love, I always find the extra time to do.
In the midst of being extremely busy the last couple day, I started baking again. My skills has gone down tremendously, but I know I will get it back as long as I’m making it a thing, I will need to really continue to work on it. I was baking Maddeline, Brownie and choux. These were the most basic recipe from basic class that I first learned in Cordon Bleu, and you know what was on my mind the entire time I was baking?
I was living alone in Bangkok, with the enormous support mentally from Camel. All I did was taking the picture of the cake everytime I finished the class to send to him, I wish he could taste my work. And finally, I was baking in the same city, doing the same recipe, making the same cake in the same city with Camel. Yet, I cannot give it to him to taste it 🙁 . It broke my heart and saddened my soul.
12:00 AM
I just finished my bowl of congee. It’s really good. I should cook more, even I leave alone, I should cook more than just eating congee and soup in 7/11.
“Modern Family” is on, I think it’s season 10 E8 or 9. Haley got pregnant and she was really afraid, Dylan kneeled down and proposed to her, she immediately rejected of course. In a way she’s like me – terrified. She told her Mom, who also got pregnant by accident with her. She asked ” Mom, did you regretted a little bit when you had me?” , Her mom said: ” To be honest, of course, it was awful. Your father was not who you think he is, but when I got pregnant Phill really stood up. I guess it’s comfortable and confident when you have someone, you know, depend on.” I watched the scene and of course couldn’t help to think of me. And to be honest with you, I was kind of jealous.
At that time, I pretty much was alone. I was spending days in my bedroom, still working. Ah, I had Thor, and Landon to discuss my problem with. But it was all me. No wonder I kept wishing for my Dad because I was wishing for someone so that I can lean in. You know, there’s not even a single moment I thought of telling my mother and sister? Even thinking about it now turning a knot in my tummy. It pains my heart. I only had Camel at that point, and I will never forget it. He was in bed, taking off his clothes in a comfy white bed of a fancy hotel. I knew he was scared, I totally get that, but the first word that was coming out of his mouth was: Bây giờ em làm vầy, rồi em còn định đi học thì em nuôi nó kiểu gì? Em sẽ không làm được đâu, em nên bỏ đi.
I think it’s not the content of the story to give abortion or not that bothers me. It’s the fact that he’s turning his back on me, that we are not a team. That when worst come to worst, I’m on my own.
I think I hold that pain in my heart, and I hurt him back. It’s like holding grudges and then wait for a time to strike back. I hurt him real bad, and I regretted all I said ever since.
My blog turns emotional at this point. It’s 00:18 and I think I need to sleep a little, because I need to work extra hard tmr and the day after tmr until my stock sent to Ha Noi.
