Binging on the series of “Downton Abbey” hasn’t done me any good, my love fever is getting more and more serious. I started thinking about a family with 4 children again, my friend said that you will not have much time to think like you do now and I know thinking is one of the activity you enjoyed the most. Well, I think I can manage :D.
At the beginning of this year, maybe 6 months ago, Ha asked me: “ Do you want to be with someone again?” I remembered very clearly telling her: “ I begin to feel quite comfortable with where I am now, I enjoyed going home to full silence, and rest my bum in my favorite bean bag” . Well that sentence is still partly true, I am still very comfortable to go home and sitting in silence let my mind goes beyond the 4 walls in the abyss. I know though, it would also be nice, or rather nicer to have someone share a glass of wine sitting and telling me about his day.
Or days like today, I feel a bit sluggish, and a bit tired. Would it be nice if I can have a pot of warm soup without the burden of ordering, making and cleaning? (It’s a nice idea and I’m tired so I just sit)
See I told you, my love fever is getting much more serious.
Well, back to the topic of the day. My insanity book.
I’ve been pondering on this ideas for quite sometimes since I wrote the last note. The reason that it took me so long to write the next one is because I haven’t quite gather enough thoughts to compose a good one. I don’t think I do now, but I guess starting to write about it will make it come to life better than keeping it in my thought.
In my last post I mentioned: ” I need a man who can handle on his imperfections. I need a man who can warn me for the more noxious sides of his personalities when that deeply upset me.”
Well, I should be able to do the same for the person I love. So here it is:
- I have 2 personalities. One personality to show and at work, it’s more like a skilled. This personality is ESTP, it’s a strong, opinionated, and extroverted. A lot of people, or 99% of the people who knew me thinks that I’m an extrovert. That is I always voice my concern, and tell people what I think, I’m not afraid to talk about my opinion. Sometimes it’s frank, brutal and heartless. There are only about 5 people on earth who can see my real personality, that I am an INFP, an idealist, a dreamer. I need a lot of time to be alone, to let my mind wanders. This problem with 2 sets of extremely different personalities makes whoever’s with me very confusing. For an introvert, I’m an extrovert, for the extrovert, I’m the introvert. There are only few people can tell the differences in my smile, my giggle whether it’s a skill or it’s a true one. Even I am sometimes confused with myself, I’m not so sure what I want or sometimes to decide what I want. I’m getting a hang of it quite better recently.
=> To deal with me, most of the time you just have to ask for my opinion before making any decision. I’m not bossy, but I don’t like to be boss around. If you ask my opinion first, and then show your opinion with a set of arguments, I’ll listen if it makes sense. Please don’t expect to tell me things like: ” You will need to go back and be with your mother”. I’m sure I’ll ignore you and walk on. Also, ask me about my thoughts, the visuals I have in my head, it’s far much more important than any evidence. What matters is what’s the visual I have seen in my head. Most of the time while talking to people, I always have an image, ask me what’s that image’s like and how is it related.
2. I can hide my personality, I can hide my feelings, I can hide my thoughts quite well for a period of time. I’m not purposely counting, but usually everyone has 3 strikes. It’s like it’s a limit, and once you passed the limits, I can never forgive you. This is such a very very very bad habit. I used it as a survival skill to deal with my bewitched mother since I was a child. It’s not useful now, it’s actually do much more harm than good. I practiced to express my feelings and my thoughts early on even just the first strike, and it’s making life much easier. One of the good thing come out of this is I can control my anger pretty well, you will never see me yelling, arguing or shouting. But inside, I’m tearing your face apart haha 🤣 . So I began to practice walking to work, and walking home after work. I also exercise Yoga, so that most of my rage energy is processed, and once I step back into the home of love, I’m back with my tranquility again.
=> You have to look at my eyes, it’s my eyes that I cannot control. So you see when I talked difficult things, I usually avoid looking straight into the eyes, but rather look into another direction. I also practice express myself better, and I’m getting better days by days, but it’s a long way till I can be fully expressive.
3. I’m extremely demanding. That is if I do something, I expect something in return. I believe that if I can do it, you can do it too. That’s so wrong of me I know. Everybody has different capability, and I cannot expect that people can do the thing I do. It’s rather an arrogant thought one. I know this one is an insane thought, but sometimes I relapse on this one. You just have to remind me again that everyone is different.
4. I’m a snob. I eat good food, stay in a decent home, decorating my house with flowers and candles. My way of life is something that I am actually quite ashamed of? The word ashamed is not right, but I usually do not talk about it. Now that I have been living alone for quite sometimes, I don’t think I can ever go back to live with or near any relatives. This level of tranquility, the life that I thought I’d never have is right in front of me. I love my way of life and I’m addicted to it.
5. Most of my disagreement I usually keep it to myself, and then I keep it in my pocket. One day, I will bring it up and shoot it like a semi-automatic machine gun. This is the one fault and insanity that I dislike the most in me. I seems like avoid confrontation at all cost, but it’s always coming back. Sometimes, it’s like a tsunami so strong that I cannot control nor understand it. The last time I talked to Camel in the airport, that’s so wrong of me. I was wrong in so many levels that I found myself thinking about it from time to time. And I was wrong for a long time, I let the disagreement boiling in myself and it disrupt like a volcano I can’t control it. You see, the problem with me is I avoid confrontation so I kept it and it will eventually explode and create a big big wound. I hurt the people I loved, and in turn I am hurt too.
=> I am getting better at this actually. Through works, through clients, I have found a better way for communication. Things must be solved right there and then. In this department, I know I’m in the wrong, and I’m trying my best to fix it. I believe I’m half way there.
well, It seems like my vaccine has started hitting me. I will continue to write about this tmr.