So far we have learned that I’m a coward, I’m insecured, egocentric, bossy, arrogant, selfish and stubborn as fuck. I think that’s pretty much cover the dark side of me. If I am just as simple as typing the aforementioned words, then I’m a pretty easy person to deal with. You know when you see a dark person, it’s so easy to treat them the way they should be treated.
Unfortunately, I am not like that. I am the person with such contrast personality, that I often question myself which is the real me. Since I can’t know myself for sure, how on earth the person close to me supposed to know? I can lay down some of the examples below, and you can judge for yourself.
10. I contemplate a lot. I mean really a lot, all day everyday. And I’d like to discuss about it, a lot. When an incident happens, it will take me 3-4 days to just look at it and exhaust all angles, until I can round it up and satisfy my urge to see things. I actually haven’t found anybody who contemplate more than me. I also happened to have a visual memory, each and every memory registered in my mind, it registered together with all the feelings, the scene, the weather, it’s always like watching a movie to me, except I’m the main character. For example, my stomach will start turning when I thought about the first kiss I shared with Camel. Or how I was on the plane going back to Da Nang and feeling for the first time in my life, how excited to be home, to actually have a place to call home. Or the smell of the house when father’s visiting, the smell of cigarettes together with coffee in the early hour of the day.
I have a very very vivid, and visual memory. But I often lose things, and forget the small details, where is my keys, or where did I put my small headphones. It’s really strange a weird to me. Every time I lose something, I tried to access and go back to imagine what have I done, it’s always pitch black in my memory. It seems like I wasn’t even there at that point in which I forgot my headphone in the car.
As my small mistakes are often very visible, people tend to misunderstood me that I’m forgetful. Oh I can assure you that if I paid enough attention, I can describe the whole party to you and even transfer the feelings as if you were there.
11. I’m a hopeless romantic but like to think myself as a cold, distant and don’t need anybody in this world. I’ve finally finished the series “Downton Abbey”, in which every single one of the movies found love. And that’s when my heart flutters. I have a huge need to express love, to love somebody, and to share the love. I think I cannot live without love. I think my heart is a warrior who’s locked up and chained by my mind. It was as if the brain is a scared weak king who’s afraid of any attacks, so he locked up the general – the heart who always ready to go. I like surprises, I like passionate sex, I like random spontaneity, I like letters and postcards, I like poems, I like good stories, I like beautiful flowers, I like good smell, I like sharing bed, I like all sort of things. Yet I told my friends: ” I’m starting to feel quite okay living alone” . I don’t know what I’m thinking, of course it’s not okay. I should say that I’m desperate for love, and I’m still looking for my one. It’s just not my time yet, and I’m a bit unfortunate in this department of love.
12. I like my house clean, polished clean, no hair, no smell, everything must be in its palace. Yet cleaning is not my favorite thing to do.
13. I think a lot, and I have a lot of information on hands. But I don’t like to argue or debate. I’d like to keep it to myself and judge from a far distance.
14. Mai at work and Mai at home are actually 2 different people. The person at work is work, which means it takes energy to do that kind of work. The person at home is someone I can be for a long time. That’s why it’s very important to me that I can be comfortable in my own home. That’s why it’s very important that I can only live with my partner and no one extra, because otherwise I will have to be Mai at work all the time with the people surrounding. I will be exhausted, and then I will find somewhere else to call home, or going back to be homeless again as I already did for 30 years.
My ideas seem to be running out at this point. I don’t think the 14 points mentioned was enough, it may just be the surface. But for now, I don’t have anything to add.
I’m getting better day by day, but not yet fully recovered. I will need to rest now.