I have been really really tired for the past 2 days. I am still now, but better. Last night, I was dying. The combination between starting my period with full combo of back pain, tummy ache and the the headache, fever from vaccine has not done me any good. I’m still very tired now, I got home early at 6 today and then passed out until my class start.

Even though my body is dying, my mind hasn’t stopped thinking about my insanity, and I think I was able to be more direct and straightforward this time.

I’d like to continue the previous post in point 5, I was too tired by the end of it and didn’t really talk in depth.

5. I think the word to describe myself better is “Cowardice” rather that avoid confrontation. I’m insecured, and I’m afraid of people leaving me, thus I tried my best to accommodate the other’s need. The problem is deep inside myself, I’m a warrior, so I’m not allowed myself to bow for so long. Back to the story of Camel in the airport, I remember very vivid, that morning when I took my morning shower and my mind blurted out of all the ideas at once. This is the cowardice of me, the moment I started talking about all the problems, is the moment I’m going to break it off. You can imagine an image of a child, really angry, and shout at someone else then run off. That’s me, I’m a coward. I haven’t grown up one bit, and I still act the same like a child. After that child, or let say my “inner child” acted, my adult one start stepping in and regret every single thing that inner child had said. I could have phrased my ideas better, I could have waited for the right time. I could have asked questions before making any judgement. Because all the things that I have said is pure judgement and assumptions without any question asked. I could say that whole day, my inner child took over my entire mind and body.
I thought about that day a lot, I even re-read my notes the 5 points on note down on my phone couple times. And I can point 1000 points where I was wrong, I’d say I was inconsiderate, insensitive, arrogant, self-righteous, you name it. That was me, the other side of me that I don’t really like about myself.
=> I’m so much better at handling my inner child now. I am also step by step becoming less coward. Since then, I was able to confront my mother, I was able to tell her the whole truth. I was able to put a stop to my supplier, I was able to answer the customer and clients when they criticize me. My inner child has slowly grown up and become matured together with me.

What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.

Jane Goodall

Like Jane has said, I want to make a difference, a better one, a better me. I learned from that incident so much, and I tried different scenarios of how I would do it differently. On the day, I obviously has chosen the worst possible way to express myself. And for that, I must accept the consequences for better times.

6. I am arrogant. Very arrogant. The other word to use is I’m a proud woman. All of the thing I have now is coming from my effort, my strength, and my knowledge. In other words, all of my achievement so far in life is coming from my own sweats and blood. There’s one time I learned about gratitude and I tried to find a way to be grateful to Cô Việt – my ex mother- and it goes like this: ” I’m grateful to you because without your pampering, and the house is not my home, but rather an unbearable place to live, I’ve focused myself in studying, and traveling. It is because of not having a place to call home that I found so much joy in studying, I found home in studying. That I travelled far and long to the top of the world, or all the other way across the earth. I would choose to be me 1000 times over being my sister. I’d like to be the loveless child, to have the capability and the knowledge that I have now” You see, this gratitude is all about me, that I survived and outdid the painful past, that I tried hard and the result is what I deserved. Because of all the reason above, I am arrogant and self righteous at times. It is very annoying side of me. I’m not afraid to ask questions, or I will drill for answers till I got it. I know a lot, and I have a very good memory in term of facts. Unless you prove me wrong, otherwise I am right.

=> I think generally I’m portraying as a humble, friendly person. But if you know me enough, you can see right through me. I deal with myself by challenging myself to listen more, the open my small mind for bigger things. I’d like to be challenge, it’s exciting. Please challenge me all the times.

7. I am selfish. By all the definitions of how a woman should be in the East, I am the opposite of that. I am just simply a selfish person. I don’t have what it takes to be a “good woman” . I don’t sacrifice. I just can’t. It is just not me. I value my happiness beyond all else. Let’s discuss a bit about sacrifice, what does it mean for me. Sacrifice is to give up something that I want to keep in order to get or do something else. Most of the virtues for women in Eastern philosophy greatly encouraging women’ sacrificed. A woman needs to stay in the in-law house, take care of the child, cook for her husband, while work and earn money as well. If you know me well enough, I am the absolute opposite of all of the above. I will never live in anybody’s house but mine, I must be the owner of my own home. I strongly believe that like any other’s animal on earth, a mature person must be able to live independently far away from the nest. Have you seen a tiger, or a bird live with their parents until they died? I also believe in equality, I like to cook, but that’s not my task. I don’t have any children yet except for Bé Minh, so I can’t say about the task of taking care of the child. I believe in feminism, and equality. I’d do things for the person I love, but there’s a limit. The limit is where my values is harmed. 3 of my most important values are:

• Freedom (of choice)
• Authenticity
• Curiosity

For this part, I’m actually quite agreed with myself and I don’t see there’s anything that I’d like to fix. I just know that I don’t have what it takes to be a good wife in Vietnamese standard.

8. I am egocentric. I mentioned earlier, I value my happiness above all else. I found it very hard to understand other women who’s so unhappy living with their husband under their in-law house. Yet, they still carry on. Then I wonder what are they living for? Some grand prize that they will receive when they die?
I must be comfortable and happy in order for me to live. I don’t have a lot of will to live you know. If I have to suffer, I can assure you that the minute I’m suffering, you will found me dead the next day if I cannot run away. But we all know that I can always run away :D.

9. I am stubborn as fuck. Really really stubborn! And I am also very bossy sometimes. This is the destructive combo of my characteristic that forbids myself from any chance of finding a good partner/companion.

The vaccine wears me out again tonight, I will come back and elaborate point number 9 in the next post.