I just finished putting up the Christmas tree – My very first complete, beautiful Christmas tree for my very own.

At some point, you gotta let it go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you

Elizabeth Gilbert

I was sitting down in my favorite blue chair, the famous quote from the book “eat, pray, love” came to me. And suddenly, I realize for a long time, I’m a human-doing instead of a human beings. As soon as I allow myself to rest, my hearts jumps out of joy and dancing. Rushes of joy, contentment, and peace came into my soul.

The family I was born into is the opposite of sentimental. There’s no birthday, no anniversary, no holiday, no gift, no nothing. Yet, I believes in fairies and magic. During my childhood, I have 3 times received Christmas gift from my uncle’s wife. I was so looking forward to it every year. The anticipation of receiving gift, opening the wrapping paper touches my heart in every level and I promise myself that I will do the same for the people that I love who treasure the same as me. So I did. Starting off with Christmas card every year to all my friends, I’d save up money and buy the most beautiful cards. Choosing the right pen, writing the right words, you name it, it was all me.

Then I got boyfriends, for some reason, all of my boyfriends are also very into Xmas. We would buy gift for each other, going on new year vacation, spending the New Year’s eve passing kisses. Spending the New Year Day talking about what are our plans for the New Year, what’s the thing that we want to be better. It’s a tradition ( for me) .

Then I met Camel who’s not so into Christmas but I kept the tradition alive, mostly for me. I love giving gift, it makes my heart joyful when my loved one receiving the one spoil thing that he didn’t allow himself. I’d spend about 1 or 2 months prior to think of the suitable gift for him, and then wrapped it nicely. I also bought myself one gift, depends on the year, some year it’s extravagant, some year it’s just a book.

But you know the one thing that’s missing in all of this? I didn’t have a home to store Christmas. I didn’t have a good place, where I can appreciate Christmas. I’ve always wanted a place where I can feel the magic of Xmas. I know, the tree, the ornaments are just products of the commercial world, that I’m creating trash, and that I put up the tree for just a month and I have to bring it down. Believe me, I know.

But that doesn’t stop me from smiling every time I came home and saw the tree light up in the living room. Or, every morning when I woke up for tea and saw the tree is still there smiling at me. It’s not the tree, or the stuff, but the spirit of allowing myself to believe in magic that makes me happy.

Last year, I just moved in the apartment and I barely lived there so I didn’t care much about the living space. This year, I felt so much home when I’m here so I decided to bring back the magic that my soul is craving.

I found it most contradicting. Every year, I’d have a partner to share the magic of Xmas with, but I didn’t have a place of my own to hold that magic. This year, I have the place to ignite the magic, yet there’s no-one to sit and enjoy the magnificence.

I’m not afraid of being alone, I can be alone pretty well. But isn’t it the most happy thing when you walk into your home and there’s someone welcome you with a smile :).

All I want for Christmas – is you, anh 🙂