I’m a mess! And an asshole!

The other day, while taking a walk I was imagining if someone who stumbled upon my blog, what will they think of me?

Dear my reader (if there’s any) I’m a total mess, an arse, and a chump. The things I wrote probably not complicated nor educational. English is also not my first language, so there might be a lot of grammatical errors. Now that we are getting that out of the system, let’s continue.

About a month and a half ago, I decided to write daily (well, almost daily), without any filtering. I also determined to write about my deep, darkest thought everyday, and it is the best decision that I have made so far in 2020. I haven’t updated this blog in many years, the “About Me” session was as good as an old book in the shelf. I’d like to keep it that way, it’s like looking into history.

The best words that describe myself is “Parallel”

Ever since a kid, I’ve always lived this double life. I wrote about my struggles as a kid in the previous post, about my struggle as a kid at home. What I didn’t write was my happy side. Despite being suppressed at home, I had a colorful childhood at home. I was an excellent kid. I didn’t have any struggle at school. I didn’t really study hard, yet I always achieved exceptional results. Thus, I had a lot of free time to hang around, rode my little red bicycle that Dad has bought me when I was 6. I had a lot of friends.

In fact, I always had 2 sets of friends:

• The “nerdy” friend with whom I can discuss about school work and complain about how my grade is not high enough.
• The “cool” friend with whom I can learn how to swear, how to drink, and how to smoke. I always hang out with these friends, because the nerdy friends always study, so boring.

Writing on this blog, I also notice the same thing. My day has nothing to do with what’s going on inside my mind. Since last week, I have started to cook again, I had so much fun on my own, I enjoyed it so much. I tried multiple different recipe, I woke up early to go to the market to get the best products. I was in the kitchen, by myself, and time goes in a blink of an eye. I went to my friend’s house, talked and discussed and had fun. Yet, the post that I wrote at night time is full of sorrows, sometimes mix with lots of tears. Both side of me are all real, but it’s so opposite that I was wondering what was the fake one.

Sometimes, I imagine, there are 2 people inside me. Not as bad as schizophrenia, where the 2 characteristics are completely separated. My split personality is more like the North Pole and the South Pole of the Earth, 2 end point of one Earth. I was wondering if people are the same? Or it’s just only me.

Because of the positivity that I portrayed during the day, writing on this blog help me process my negativity. I’m an extrovert by nature, I cannot process anything without expressing it in a proper way.

I always said: ” I have an idea”. My idea usually hasn’t been formed when I started talking about it. By talking about with somebody, the idea gradually formed into shape. Imagine it as a ball of bread dough, at first, it’s just a messy, sticky ball. By throwing it back and forth, it’s formed into a round ball that is so perfect, so beautiful.

That’s why, having friends, socializing is very important to me. I became smarter because of my friends. My father also used to be an important friend of mine. He would listen to me presenting, then we would form it into a proper ball, and I went on to execute. This role has been emptied ever since the day he left. I need a person who can listen to me, helping me forming my ideas without any judgement, just simply listen with an open heart.

Ps: I was so tired today, I spent the entire day in bed with only 3 hours to go to the doctors.