5/7/2021

Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

I have been pondering on the idea that if I have a child, does the child want a mom like me? I’m not exactly the best model of a person to have a child/children.

For starter, I’m definitely not a home maker. I’ve been living

5/8/2021

I’m not sure it’s a coincidence or the universe has arranged for me to start typing this blog again exactly 1 month later. I have been pondering on this idea for more than a month now with the tremendous development within me so that I feel like I’m very equipped now to understand this question, and to answer it without my ego in the way.

My answer is: While I’m not perfect, but I think I can do a fine job being a Mom.

2 and a half year ago, when bé Minh suddenly stop by for a visit for couple weeks, I can do a good job being a Mom. Today, I can do a fine job.

I think when bé Minh pays the next visit, she will be more than happy to join hands with me.

I have been fundamentally changed in the past couple weeks in my thinking, my view about life, but that’s another story to tell in another blog post. I’d like to pick out the change that related to this topic briefly.

Remember what I told you about Minh in my previous post, scattered through my post I also mention how I handle my situation. I’ve never told you about what are my plans for the future at that time. During the process of making the decision for Minh, there’s one scenario that if I carried out this baby, how will I raise her.

I will raise her in my little home in Hoi An. I will homeschool her to the homeschool center. I will teach her English, with the help of Landon. I will then teach her how to critical thinking. The Internet is all over now, there’s no need to go to big town. Because in Hoi An, she will have the beach, the mountain, the fields, the joy everyday. I want her to be smart, but also to have a kind heart. I want her to have lots of dogs, chickens, buffalos. I want her to have compassion, and to understand that if we treat others with the kind heart, that’s enough. I want her to have the bestest childhood, where she can go to the beach every afternoon to watch sunset. I want her to smell “mùi lúa chín” , to understand that we really don’t need much in life. I want her to know that we are more than this life, and it’s really is a pleasure that we get to meet in this time.

An almost Mom

You see, this dream sounds really nice. That does sound like a really good plan, a plan that doesn’t include pressure, doesn’t include academy, doesn’t include the normal mundane thing like you should be a doctor, you should be an architect. I thought that was enough, I was very confident that me and my daughter will be really really happy together.

But ….

There’s one fundamental flaw in that plan. It seems like I want to start my child at 6-7 year old. It seems like I skipped the baby, infant, toddler stage altogether. I didn’t have any plans for how to teach her walk, or how to be with her at that age. I envisioned my baby to be like “Thánh Gióng”, you know I will give birth, and the next day straight to education, at the age I can start teaching her how to use computer to learn.

That all stems from my childhood, under my mother’s regime, I was forced to grow up fast or in Vietnamese “chín ép”. I became an adult at a very early age, if I recalled correctly it’d be around the time I was 8 or 9 and then I fully formed when I turned 12. That is when I’m locked the door on my childhood, sealed her away from all the pain, unfairness and suffering. I don’t want her to scream anymore. I want to shut down completely and kept a straight face.

This realization has unravelled a new world to me, if I became a mother then, I will be good, but just not fine. Or it could turn ugly, I became a very demanding, impatient mother. I have the chance to take care of 2 puppies in the past 4 months, and I can really see the change about the interaction with these 2. They are puppies, but I required them to stay still while I bathe them ( like Thor), when they didn’t – I shout at them, when they were struggling, I shout even more so that are freeze because of fear. Poor thing! I feel so sad and so bad when talking about them.

After the realization last week, my attitude towards the puppies has changed fundamentally. I said to Moka: Please continue to be a kid, and I will use my best source of power to protect you.

For that reason, I think from this moment forward, I can be a fine Mother. I’m ready to be a mother, I’m not necessary have to have a child in this life, but I can be a good and fine one

To my future child: I will let you explore, fear, happy just like the way you are supposed to be. I will love you, and clean up after you 🙂 . I will hug you as much as I can, I will be there when you are scared. I will kiss you, and I will let you know that the world is beautiful when we found the beauty in it. I will be the gardener to your flower. Have you heard of this concept before? I can only give support like a gardener to a flower, but I will not decide how your flower can turn out to be.

If I should have a daughter … we will be happy.