7/12

I meant to finish this topic of change in the last post, but silly me, I was supposed to write one more point before finishing it. I think for the flow of it, this change happen before the change number three mentioned in the blog. The change that is the foundation of being able to protect myself is

11/12

When I started composing this blog post, for some reason the idea hasn’t come into my mind fluent yet. This has been bugging me for couple days now and this morning, in the middle of working out, I need to stop and start writing. I feel like my writing is like a hen laying an egg, some days my hens back in the house where I shared with Landon gave 4 eggs, some days there just simply nothing at all. And once the ideas is ready, it has to popped out like an egg.

In the past 4 days I have had 3 different dreams, all of the dreams are quite interesting and I’d like to discuss it before I’m going to point number 4 which I think is more crucial, much more important and profound change than the other previous 3. No wonder it took couple days for me to groom this idea.

Dream 1

I belonged to a group called the “Time Travelers”. This group consists of people who survive after 2100 when the Earth is no longer an habitable place to live. This group of people scatter to different time zone to go back not to save the Earth, just to live in the time there’s food, love and air. I went back to see my father, something happened during the time I visit my father. He didn’t recognize me, I’m all grownup and he couldn’t see that I’m his daughter until I kept telling him that I’m from the future and I’m his daughter. Then at night time, he couldn’t resist his temptation and touching, kissing me trying to rape me. I hit him, and stand up and tell him straight to his face:” You are my father, I’m your daughter, do you realize that you are trying to rape your own daughter? ”

If the dream ended here, it would be a normal dream already. What makes it interesting is I woke up inside the dream. You know the movie Inception? That’s what the stage I had been in. I woke up inside my dream and went to see my therapist. This is the second time I dreamed of him but the 3rd time I dreamed of the situation where I went and discuss the meaning of my dream with a therapist.

It’s his usual office, I told him that I thought the issue of my Dad is over that I put him to “rest in peace”. How come I still try to come back and then being raped by him? My therapist ( anh Đức) told me that perhaps, there’s one more thing that you need to do. The only thing you could do is you need to forgive your father, your mother, and your sister. Learn to forgive them so that you can have peace with yourself.

The word forgiveness is strong and powerful. I woke up feeling so intrigued. Like wow, what a dream. We have to understand that “The Therapist” in my dream is actually myself. This is my dream, and all the words and ideas are mine. The therapist is just a image, a familiar visual that my inner wisdom created to teach me. I think the “father complex” that i used to live with try to gain control again over my consciousness, but I won it over and put it in its place. I think this is the final step of my healing process, learn to forgive to love.

Dream 2

I was on a run. I was running from something that I don’t know what. There are 2 people running with me and I’m a special target that needed to be caught alive. During my run, I met an incredible young group of woman who’s willing to help me. They are performers, they can walk around freely as they perform for the warlords. The warlords saw me and didn’t believe that I’m part of the performer group. He said we need to prove it, I was scared out of my mind and thought to myself I would be killed. To my astonishment, I was brilliant, the dance was so beautiful that I was looking from inside and a far and it couldn’t be better. In the next scene I was camping with 2 other people in an empty land, among the empty lands are empty houses but I don’t know why we wouldn’t go inside the house. It’s empty but not cold, it would be so much nicer than staying outside. That night, I wander around the house and decided that I will go in one.

I couldn’t explain this dream, but it’s intriguing because I know at the end of the dream I was conscious. It was me lucid dreaming trying to understand why we couldn’t go inside the house but camping outside?

Dream 3

This dream was just this morning. Well, in the middle of the night tonight. It was a little bit surreal dream, and I’m pretty sure I was also lucid in the dream as well.

I dreamed of my mother and my father together. We were discussing my first house in Hoi An as if we still owns that house. It’s my house to be precise. Remember that house? The house with Blue doors and white walls?

It’s this one, in my dream we were discussing that we need to take this house back and build it better. My parents gonna put in the money and I can make it more sturdy and beautiful. I said I wanted trees surrounded the house, I especially wants Rice to grow around the house. My mother told me that Rice requires a lot of water and Hoi An is in water shortage, we are damaging the environment by growing rice just for our selfish look. I agreed and we were going to choose another type of tree that is more environmental friendly.

I woke up feeling calm and refresh. In the middle of the night around 3AM, I tried to visualize the dream with a smile and went on to sleep again. In the 3 dreams above, I think there’s a continuation of thought. I forgive my parents and then come back to live in harmony with them. We have to also consider the fact that I dreamed of the House in Hoi An, not my current house. Why this house is important to me? Because this is the very first time in my life that I can have a place to call home. A place that I’m so very excited to come back to when I was traveling back from work. A place that I found my happiness, the spark that has ignited and kept on lighting for the last 4 years.

In the department of dream interpretation, A house/ home is the representation of self. It is inside the home that we found ourself safe, happy and content. The fact that I dreamed of a very important house, and that my parents is planning a new house with me, means that my father and mother complex has finally found peace with my egoic self and together we are going to build a new self. Someone that is ecological to the personal development of Mai.

I feel like all the force within myself, the mother complex, the father complex, the anima, the animus are finally in sync with each other and healthy. I feel like I have found the happiness to live, to stay alive, to embrace the world as it is. I feel powerful and strong, as in I can face any heartache, knowing that I will be sad but I will also be okay.

The series of the 3 dreams in the last 4 days has really proved to myself that

4. I’m no longer a victim : or to be precise I’m no longer a flasher of my pain. Do you know a flasher?

A flasher according to wiki : ” A person who exposes their body indecently as exhibitionism; ” I didn’t expose my genitals, or flash my boobs around instead I’m flashing my pain, and my suffering in my body. I wore it around like a trophy. I enjoyed showing off, I mistaken bravery with bragger. I wanted to the be the center of attention, I was the center of attention all the time. I’m in pain, and I’m suffering therefore I have all the rights and privilege to shine.

In the black notebook that during the first couple months with Camel when we used to write to each other back and forth. He wrote : ” He couldn’t find a good time, or a chance to tell his story, so he decided to tell his story to me in this notebook.” I’m not sure I quote the words correctly or not, because the notebook stayed with him but I remember the story. Behind this message, we can also read another thing that I was loud, I took all the attention that he could not find a space for him to share his story. Later on in our time together he mentioned to me quite a number of time, that in our relationship 90% of the time the story is all about me, and he found no space for him. He thinks that he can live with me, but that’s not the life he wants. He fears that he would lose his life.

I heard all that, I understood all that he said, but back then, I can’t find a solution. Or maybe I was not matured enough to understand what he told me back then.

I gotta go now, I will continue this blog tonight. I think it’s super important.