I spoke a lot about changes, that I’ve completely transformed into a different person. But what is that? What’s change that still make me who I am yet a different person?
Awhile ago, I wrote the note Who am I? to define what’s the most valuable thing that is considered self to me. So we know that there are some basic things that remain unchanged: my characteristic way of responding to situations, my sense of what is funny, wise, interesting or important remained the same. I am still Mai
So besides the unchanged characteristic way, what’s the thing that change about me that is so profound and so fundamental that I considered myself a different person?
- Understanding myself: there’s a popular saying that we cannot understand others unless we understand ourselves. It’s much easier said than done, and I thought that for a person who spent almost all of her waking moments contemplating about her life should know best. But the past year has proven me wrong, the love crisis that I am going through is actually the great chance for me to dig so much deeper inside myself. Sometimes I feel like Camel is my greatest teach ever, who’s the bridge that connecting me and the universe.
Assuming that you have went through every single blog post that I have noted here, you probably know where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied in their own individual worlds. I don’t feel like it’s necessary to go into it.
What did I learn about myself?
– I’m a dreamer. Behind all that strong word, forceful, teasing people, I’m soft, tender and caring.
– I’m scared of emotions. I’m scared of expressing my emotions. But that was the past, I’ve gone through it and I’m still alive 🙂 . I’m no longer bound by my “pretentious way” of showing cold shoulder and cold heart. It might come back from time to time, but I know its existence. My Lorki will be my friend.
– Freedom is my most important values. Freedom of choice, freedom of love, freedom of expressing love, freedom of thoughts, freedom of life. My freedom goes beyond the materialistic way of thinking, the freedom that I value is the freedom of the soul, and the expression of the soul.
– I’m easily triggered by unfairness. I have an urge to protect the weak at all cost.
– My weakest spot is my emotions. I love with all my heart, and I’d probably could die with all my heart.
2. Letting go of my egoic self : On the top of my head, the worst moment that I let my ego baggage takes the better part of me is the conversation that I had with Camel in the airport right before he left for Ha Noi and me for Hoi An. I replayed it over and over in my head until I realize it’s all about my egocentric self. I’ve let the egoic baggage stopped my entire flow of love. Before that dreadful conversation, me and Camel has agreed that we will work on our relationship together, with outside help. It’s flowing. Then I decide to drop the rock, a huge big rock of myself that will block the flow totally.
In simpler language: I completely lost my shit!
I could not find any better term to describe myself at that point of time. And you know what’s even worst? I thought I was right, I thought that I have the rights to speak out, that I’m entitled to hurt the one that I love dearly without consequences. My speech it was completely self centered, it was all about me and myself. I did this, you didn’t do this, I did that you didn’t do that. There was absolutely no space for emotions, for love, for the heart. I also disregard everything that he did for me, and just focusing on mine one. How terrible of me!
What I have changed: I had let go of that self-centered, egocentric bitch part. Well, I cannot let her go, she’s still there but I know how to keep her well in her place. I gave space for a more reasonable, understanding, loving self presents. I know that love is a one way street and all I can do is to love, with love, the world became brighter, the sky gets bluer and my heart sang every single morning. I have let the baggage flow away. There’s a saying:” There’s a river of joy flowing inside you. You need to find it. Get in it. And drown.” I have started to feel like drowning every morning I woke up and every evening when I shut my eyes.
to be continued …
